Where'd You Go, Bernadette(45)

IMHO, the guy should be angrier about this! It’s a technology conference, and they can’t get the clickers to work?

5:08 PM Branch: “After the monkeys had mastered using the joysticks to move the balls, the researchers disconnected the joysticks. The monkeys fiddled with the joysticks for a couple seconds, but recognized they no longer worked. They still wanted their treats, so they sat there, staring at the screen, and thought about moving the balls into the baskets. At this point, the electrodes implanted into their motor cortexes were activated. They diverted the monkeys’ ‘thoughts’ to a computer, which we had programmed to interpret their brain signals and act on their thoughts. The monkeys realized they could move the ball just by thinking about it—and they received their treats. The most amazing thing, when you watch the video—” Branch squints into the spotlight. “Do we have the video? It would be great to see the video. Anyway, what’s remarkable is how quickly the monkeys mastered moving the balls with their thoughts. It took them about fifteen seconds.”

5:10 PM Branch squints into the audience. “They tell me I have one minute left.”

5:10 PM Chris jumps onstage and apologizes. He’s pissed about the clicker. We all are. This Branch guy is nice and low-key. And he’s said nothing about the robot!

5:12 PM Branch: “The job ended. Years later, I found my way to Microsoft. In robotics.” Crowd cheers. Branch squints. “What?” He obviously has no idea how excited we’ve all become about that damn robot.

5:13 PM Branch: “I went to work on the voice-activated personal robot you see in front of you.” A rumble from the audience. Who cares if Craig Venter just announced he’d synthesized arsenic-based life in a test tube. Give us a Jetsons-style robot any day!

5:13 PM Branch continues, “Let’s say I’m in the mood for some popcorn. I say, ‘Samantha!’ ” The robot lights up. “We named her Samantha after the character on Bewitched.” Laughter. “Samantha, please bring me some popcorn.” You have to see this guy Branch. He’s very sweet and unassuming—wearing jeans, T-shirt, and no shoes. He looks like he just rolled out of bed.

5:14 PM Samantha glides to the microwave, opens the door, and removes a bag of popcorn. Branch: “We had to pre-pop that, like one of the cooking shows.” The robot rolls to Branch and hands him a bag of popcorn. Applause. Branch: “Thank you, Samantha.” Robot replies, “You’re welcome.” Laughter. Branch: “It’s cute, basic, voice-activated technology.”

5:17 PM A voice from the front row says, “Can I have some of that?” It’s David Pogue. Branch: “Okay, ask her.” Pogue: “Samantha, bring me some popcorn.” The robot doesn’t move. Branch: “Say please.” Pogue: “Come on!” Laughter. Branch: “I’m serious. My daughter was eight when I was working on Samantha and she accused me of being a bully. So I programmed it in. Please. It’s literally the magic word.” Pogue: “Samantha, bring me some popcorn… please?” Hilarity ensuing! The robot rolls to the edge of the stage and reaches out, but drops the bag of popcorn before Pogue can grab it. It spills all over the stage.

5:19 PM Branch: “It’s Microsoft. We had some bugs.” A thunderclap of laughter from the audience. Branch looks offended. “It wasn’t that funny.”

5:21 PM Branch: “We taught Samantha five hundred commands. We could have taught her five hundred more, but what kept holding us back was her thousands of moving parts. She lacked marketplace agility and was too expensive to scale up. Eventually, the Samantha project was canceled.” Everyone in the audience goes awww. Branch: “What are you people? A bunch of geeks?” Instant TED classic!

5:23 PM A guy meanders onto the stage carrying a new clicker. Halfway across, he stops and hitches up his pants. Branch: “Take your time.” Huge laughter.

5:24 PM Branch: “So Samantha was canceled. But then I remembered those monkeys at Duke. And I thought, Hmmm, the complicating factor in creating a personal robot is the robot itself. Maybe we could just lose the robot.”

5:25 PM Branch’s clicker finally works, so he starts the slideshow. First image is monkeys with wires coming out of their heads. Audience gasps, some scream. Branch: “Sorry, sorry!” Branch turns off slideshow.

5:26 PM Branch: “According to Moore’s law, the number of transistors that can be placed on an integrated surface doubles every two years. So in twenty years’ time, what once was that horrible image… became this…” He clicks through to a slide showing a person’s shaved head with what looks like a computer chip under the skin.

5:26 PM Branch: “Which became this…” He holds up a football helmet with a Seahawks sticker on it. On the inside are electrodes with wires coming out. “You could just put it on and nothing had to be wired into your brain.”

5:27 PM Branch puts down the helmet and reaches into his pocket. “Which became this.” He holds up something that looks like a Band-Aid. “TEDsters, meet Samantha 2.”

5:27 PM Branch sticks the Band-Aid on his forehead, just under his hairline. He sits down in the La-Z-Boy. Branch: “I’m going to throw in something real-time for the skeptics.” He pulls the lever and the chair reclines.

5:29 PM Weird sound. A vacuum has started up! It’s moving on its own, coming over and vacuuming up popcorn. Branch is lying down with his eyes open, concentrating on the popcorn. Vacuum turns off. Branch turns to face the TV.