When I Was Yours(75)

“Jesus, Evie,” he breathes out. He roughly rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. Then, he pushes his fingers into his hair. “None of this makes sense. Why did you leave me in the first place?”

That’s the question I can never answer.

Shaking my head, I stare down at my hands.

I hear him sigh. He’s frustrated because he knows I won’t answer.

“I’m sorry…for what I said before,” I speak quietly. “I should never have said what I did about you and other women.” I nearly choke on the words that have been burning me from the inside out since he first spoke them. “You were right when you said I had no right to pass comment on the way you lived your life.”

And I’m sorry for everything. For hurting you all those years ago. For hurting you now.

“Evie.” He takes a step toward the bed, bringing him closer to me.

I lift my eyes to him. He looks tired, weary. But he’s still beautiful, so very beautiful that it hurts sometimes. And one of those times is now.

“What I said about those…women…I shouldn’t have said it because it’s not true. I was just angry. And…I wanted to hurt you.”

You did.

“All those women…” Dragging his hand through his hair, he lets out a solemn-sounding breath. “They were all just temporary replacements for you. It was all I could do to cope with losing you. I might have been sleeping with them, but it was always your face I saw, your…void I was trying to fill.” He looks past me, his eyes on the wall behind me.

I’m trying to process what he just told me. Emotions hang heavy between us.

Hearing him say that about those women, that they were replacements for me, doesn’t make it hurt any less. The thought of him with anyone else kills me.

But I made the choice to leave him, so I only have myself to blame.

“I don’t know what to say,” I utter softly, my fingers gripping the bedsheet surrounding me.

He blows out a breath, a solemn laugh escaping him. “Me neither. I just…I don’t know what to do anymore, Evie.”

He slowly brings his eyes back to mine, and the look in them terrifies me.

He looks lost and desolate, but most of all, he looks like he’s given up.

Please don’t give up on me…on us.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper, my eyes filling with tears again.

He closes his eyes, letting out a long breath, before opening them again. “You don’t really have me—not in the way that matters, not in the way that you used to.”

I know he’s not saying it to hurt me or to be cruel. He’s saying it because it’s the truth.

And f*ck does the truth hurt.

A tear runs down my cheek, onto my lip, and into my mouth. I rub my face with my hand. Adam’s eyes track the movement.

“I’m not over you, Evie. I don’t think I ever will be. But I can’t be with you because I don’t trust you, and I don’t forgive you for leaving me the way you did.”

“I’m so sorry for leaving you. You have to know that by now.”

“I do know. I believe you when you say it. But how can I be with you, when I’ll just be waiting for the day you walk out the door? I can’t put myself through that again. I just can’t.” He takes a step away from me as his arms wrap around his chest, like he’s shielding himself from me.

“I’m not going anywhere, Adam. I’m here to stay. Forever.”

“Nothing’s forever. You taught me that.”

“That’s not true. And I’m not leaving again. I promise. I won’t leave you ever again.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I swear to you.” I’m pleading. What else can I do?

“You swore those exact words to me once before, in front of a minister, so to me, Evie, right now, your words mean shit.”

I feel frustrated and lost. I don’t know how to make him believe me, so I decide to just go for broke and tell him exactly how I feel.

“I love you,” I say. “I never stopped, not for one second.”

His eyes close, like he’s in pain. “Don’t…”

I climb off the bed, taking the sheet with me. I stand before him. “It’s the truth. I love you. I love you so much.”

“You don’t get to say that to me!” His eyes flick open, lit with anger again, and he steps back from me. “You have no f*cking right to do this!” He turns away, his head in his hands, breathing heavy.

I want to touch him, hold him, but I know without a doubt that he’ll push me away, and I can’t handle any more rejection from him right now. I already feel like I’m falling to pieces.

Adam pulls in a shuddering deep breath. Lowering his hands from his face, he turns back to me.

“You’re killing me, Evie.” His voice is agonized. “You’re like a bullet lodged in my chest, and I can’t get you out. And you’re killing me. Slowly. So, I’m begging you…either tell me the truth—tell me why you left, and I’ll see if it’s something I can get past, see if we can move forward together, so I can try to learn to trust you again—or just…just f*cking let me go. Please. Because I can’t keep doing this with you.”