Tragic Beauty (Beauty & The Darkness #1)(83)

Once my bladder is empty, I test my legs out and use the sink to slowly stand. My legs shake beneath me, but I manage to take a few steps, until I’m in front of the faucet. I still can’t bring myself to face the mirror yet, and instead look at the toothbrushes in the cup, one still in its packaging. There’s a tube of toothpaste too, so I brush my teeth, feeling like I need to start somewhere.

Once I’m done, I lift my eyes and face the girl in the mirror. I suck in a breath when I see her—a battered ghost of the girl I used to be. But I don’t look away. I won’t. Slowly, I close my eyes and undo the ties on the gown with my right hand and let it slip down my arms. It falls to the ground, and I stand there, my lids shut tight. I know what’s coming. It’s not like I haven’t seen myself like this before. But back in that room—my grey room—there was so much darkness covering everything, including the way I saw myself, that it all just blended everything together. But here—here in this light, in this place, everything’s so much more revealed. But it’ll heal. It’ll all heal I tell myself, just like Gavin said. The outside anyway. Well, most of the outside. And some of the inside. But there’s a brand on my hip, and a thick jagged scar around my ring finger, and so many other scars that aren’t going anywhere. And then there’s my heart and soul, filled with such dark things now. I force all the thoughts aside and clench my fists. I’ve got to face her sometime.

When I open my eyes, the air leaves my lungs.

There’s an odd sound. A choked cry that I think is me.

Or maybe that’s Gavin. I hear him at the door, knocking softly, asking if I’m okay.

I’m sliding now, my legs not able to hold me up anymore. But then he’s there, holding me. Holding me while I cry.

When I feel Gavin shaking, I know he’s crying too. But he holds me. Just holds me, rocking me back and forth in his arms, whispering it’ll be okay. He takes my chin and makes me look at him. “It’ll heal, Ava. It’ll take time, but it’ll heal. And the things that—the things that—” His voice cracks. “There are ways to remove those things. I’ll get the best for you. And I’ll take care of you. I’ll help you. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m here for you, baby. I’m here for you.”

His words ease that horrible ache tearing me apart inside. He holds me against his chest, and eventually my sobs settle and my tears slow. He strokes my hair and whispers soft words. Words that soothe. Words that start to help me heal, just those first little bits. I breathe in deep, and that’s when I smell the smoke, still clinging to my hair. I look past him to the shower. I need to wash it away. I need to wash it all away.

I look to him and he frowns. “It’ll hurt, Ava. These cuts…”

My eyes go to the shower again, then back to him.

“Alright, baby. Alright.” He gently picks me up. “Can you stand?”

I nod, and he sets me carefully on my feet, and while I hold the sink, he starts the shower. Once it’s going, he looks back at me and I can see the conflict on his face. It’s only then I realize I’m naked. I’m so used to it now, I don’t think anything of it. He swallows hard, and asks, “Do…you want to do this on your own, or—”

I shake my head.

He nods and pulls his shirt off, then his sweats. He’s left in boxer briefs, which he keeps on, and I see the gash in his side again. A gash that’s there because of me. It blurs through the tears, then I wonder if he can get wet…if we both can get wet. I look to the shower and back to his side, then at my shoulder.

“It’s okay,” he says. “No baths though. Not yet anyway. We’ll leave the bandage on, and Janet will be here in a bit to tend to you anyway. But we’ll take this off.”

He reaches over and carefully takes the brace off my left hand. It’s not as swollen as before, but it’s bruised, and then there’s the thick scar around my ring finger. Gavin runs his thumb over it, followed by a gentle kiss.

The lump grows in my throat and I stare at him as he lets my hand go. That’s when I notice he looks a little leaner, a little more cut than before. Like he’s lost weight, too. But he’s still so beautiful…so beautiful, I can’t stop staring. Just like when I saw his body the first time. And here I am…

I look down at my naked and battered body, at my ribs showing, at the endless brutal patchwork of bruises, and cuts, and stitches, and scars…so many scars. More tears spill down my cheeks, but his finger is under my chin, lifting my gaze to his. “Hey. You’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. That will never change. Never. Understand me?” His voice has an edge to it, a hard determination that makes me nod, because I want to believe him.

I have to believe him.

He looks at me a moment longer, making sure I understand, then leads me to the shower, where the nozzle sprays the far wall. His hands are on me now, steadying, as he guides me in, just like he did that night when he guided me into the bathtub. Only that time was different.

He closes the door behind us, then holds me in front of him, his eyes meeting mine. “You sure about this?”

I nod.

“Alright. Front or back first?”

I turn around, so my back’s to him.

He places one hand on my waist, one hand on my shoulder. “Ready?” he asks.