Tragic Beauty (Beauty & The Darkness #1)(67)
He looks off to the side, looking almost confused, then turns back to me and lets out a long breath. “Then o’er time, all th’ stuff I was doin’ to you was gettin’ us close, real close, in a dark sort o’ way. I could feel how you were needin’ me, and wantin’ me, but it wasn’ love you had for me. An’ tha’ hurt. It hurt in a way I wasn’ expectin’. An’ it hurt too, seein’ how you were dyin’ jus a li’l bit e’ery day in tha’ room, sort o’ like how I was dyin’ down here. That’s when I decided t’ change things up. Bu’ I had no idea how t’ handle it all. I damn near fell off m’ chair when you brought me tha’ list, cuz all th’ things I could see you were plannin’ t’ make, e’en after all th’ hell I’d been puttin’ you through. An’ tha’ hurt me e’en more. So what’d I do? I started thinkin’ o’ ways to hurt you back. Bu’ I already knew you could handle th’ hard kinda pain, so I needed to give you a different kind o’ pain. One tha’ would sting you inside, jus’ like you were stingin’ me inside. An’ once you lef’ me with th’ list and I knew Red was comin’, I had a good idea o’ how I’d do it.”
He chuckles and pulls from the bottle again. “Bu’ you know what? You probly won’t believe this, bu’ I think I had a harder time dealin’ with tha’ dinner than you. I know I played it off good, bu’ why d’ you think I had t’ drink th’ whole time? You think it was random me havin’ Red get th’ alc’hol? I knew I’d need it fo’ what I had in mind. An’ then you went an’ made tha’ big fancy dinner. An’ you didn’ have to. I didn’ say you had t’ make somethin’ nice like that. But you did it anyway. An’ no one’s e’er made me a meal like that b’fore. No one. An’ what I do? I hurt you, anyway I could, cuz it’s all I know how t’ do…it’s all I’ve e’er known how t’ do. Bu’ all I ended up doin’ was hurtin’ myself, cuz I can’t get th’ fuckin’ image of you an’ Red outta m’ head. I keep tryin’ to drink it ‘way, but it’s not goin’ anywhere.”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “See, it’s still there. An’ feels like it’s rippin’ m’ apart from th’ inside out. And I doubt Red’ll e’er talk t’ me again, cuz I know what I made him do ’ll tear him up way more than killin’ that guy did. An’ I know, I know, he got into it, bu’ that’s cuz I pushed him, and had him drinkin’. An’ he knew I’d sen’ those other guys up, an’ they woulda been much worse on you. An’ I’m so messed up I’d a probly let ‘em. An’ he knew that. Bu’ he’s probly off right now cryin’ his eyes out o’er what he did t’ you, because he’s been hurtin’ for you all these years too. Not like me, bu’ close. And here I am, tryin’ to drink myself under ‘cause it all hurts s’ damn much. An’ there you are, still got tha’ fire in your eyes, sparkly an’ blue like tha’ necklace your wearin’. There’s other stuff in your eyes now too, like th’ pity o’er all I jus’ told you an’ th’ hurt from everythin’ I done t’ you, bu’ th’ fire’s still there. Has been e’er since you threw tha’ rock at me. An’ thas why I love you, Ava. Thas why I’ve always loved you.” He chuckles. “You know whas funny? I think it’s you who’s breakin’ me. Ain’t that a laugh? Cuz you’re jus so strong. So damn strong. In fact…”
Shayne scrambles to his feet, and I swallow down the lump in my throat and shove away the tears with my good hand so I can see. When he stands and sways, I crunch up tighter in the corner, but keep my eye on the staircase.
“I see you lookin’ up there, but it’s locked so take it easy. But don’ worry. Don’ worry, Ava. I jus’ wanna see somethin’.” He staggers towards me, his hair falling over his forehead, his arms out to his side, the gun still in his hand. He comes to the edge of the mattress and falls to his knees. His eyes drop to my wrapped up hand and he stares at it. “I didn’ mean t’ do tha’,” he mutters, then sways and looks up, and hands me the gun. “Here, take it.”
I shake my head, without thinking, and a drunken smile spreads across his face. Then I realize what I’ve done. “S’okay,” he whispers. “I’ll le’ that one slide. Here, though. Wan’ you t’ take it.”
Slowly, I reach out with my good hand, knowing he’ll get angry if I don’t. Angry and sloppy drunk. So bad.
Shayne places the gun in my hand and clumsily wraps my fingers around it. It’s heavy, and warm from where he’s been holding it. “’Kay, now, pu’ your li’l fingers like that, an’ yeah, righ’ there. Then cock th’ lever back, like so. But b’ careful, don’ pull th’ trigger yet. ‘Kay good.” He rocks back so he’s kneeling in front of me, swaying, then takes my wrist and aims the gun at his chest, right over the carved up tattoo covering his heart. “‘Kay, now pull.”
I blink, the tears ripping down my face while the gun shakes in my hand.
“Com’ on, com’ on. ‘S’okay. I know I’m askin’ lot, bu’ you got this. You’re so strong. Stronger tha’ me. And I need you t’ do this. Cause I couldn’ do it back when I was eight. An’ this’ll set you free. Me too. So com’ on. Or hey, look a’ it this way. It’s me ‘r him. Cause if you don’t do this, you know wha’ it means right? I get t’ kill him. An’ I know you don’ wan that. So com’ on.”