Tragic Beauty (Beauty & The Darkness #1)(66)
He laughs and throws his head back. “Awww, Ava, bu’ I had no idea how t’ do that, I was so messed up. Th’ only way I could e’er get your attention was t’ make you mad. An’ my idea o’ romance was killin’ that guy for you. An’ I wanted t’ tell you so bad what I’d done, cause I knew how scared you had t’ be, makin’ that walk t’ the bus stop, thinkin’ tha’ guy was still out there. Bu’ I couldn’ tell you, cause that’d jus’ scared you off me ev’n more. Cause you’d already seen all those things I’d done growin’ up. Hurtin’ animals, fightin’, losing it on anyone that s’ much as looked at me wrong, feelin’ like the devil was growin’ inside me, just like m’ daddy, and feelin’ helpless to do anythin’ ‘bout it. Specially that time I let loose on tha’ kid, Billy. I knew tha’ spooked you real good. An’ the thing was, it wasn’ so much that he’d put his arm ‘round you, it was more tha’ I couldn’ stand you bein’ close to any boys cuz I was worried you’d fall in love wi’ them before I had my chance. Then you said all those things ‘bout runnin’ off and not lettin’ me have you, and everythin’ jus went red, and I used whate’er I could to make sure you’d stick to th’ deal. An’ I knew how much you loved those horses. Then I know it didn’ help th’ way you thought of me either when m’ parents died in that crash, an’ everyone thought it was me. Wasn’ much I could do about it, bu’ let you all think tha’ e’en though it wasn’. Guess I figured it was somethin’ I shoulda done anyway. But I had jus turned eighteen an’ I was already plannin’ to force him t’ give me the ranch an’ most of what he had an’ leave, when it all happened. Who knows, th’ bastard probly drove th’ car right off tha’ cliff on purpose, knowin’ everyone would probly blame me. He wa’ sick like that, you know? But, hey, that lef me wi’ everything. Everythin bu’ you.”
Shayne looks at the bottle, like he forgot he was holding it, and chugs back some more. “Then I waited, an’ waited, getting so damn crazy cause you didn’ want nothin’ t’ do wi’ me cuz you knew what a piece o’ shit I was. Then that day came, when you were in trouble an’ I knew I had you. Figured by tha’ point, I’d get you any way I could, even if I had t’ corner you into it. Then I waited, an’ waited some more, for your ol’ man to shove off, an’ I built all that…” he waves the gun towards the ceiling. “Got you that li’l grey horse. An’ I kept waitin’, and waitin’, all th’ while stayin’ down here, cuz I couldn’ bring myself to stay up there wi’ out you, and e’ery second, all day, e’ery day, all I could think ‘bout was gettin’ inside you that firs’ time.” His head falls back to the wall with a thud and he rocks it back and forth. “Oh, Ava. When I walked in t’ your house that day, you might as wella cut m’ heart out from m’ chest and laid it on th’ floor and stomped all o’er it till there was nothin’ left but a big pile o’ blood.”
He jerks the bottle up to his mouth again, and back down. Now he’s looking at me. Looking and looking, and I wonder if the light is playing tricks on me, or if I see tears glistening on his cheeks. It’s hard to tell through the blur of tears that fill my own eyes.
“An’ up till then, I had this big plan all laid out. I’d move you into tha’ room I made for you, an’ I’d start sleepin’ in th’ master, instead of this shithole, that way I could be close t’ you. I mean, I knew I was goin’ to need get inside you right away, I was hurtin’ so bad for you by then, bu’ figured once I had you that the devil inside me’d settle, not be so wound up all th’ time, an’ maybe you’d see a better side o’ me, Then when you was ready you might want t’ stay the night wi’ me, you know, sleep in th’ same bed wi’ me? An’ maybe we’d go ridin’ th’ ranch together sometimes. An’ o’er time, if I could keep you wi’ me long enough, maybe you’d be able t’ find somethin’ inside me t’ love, even though no one else could. Then we’d live happily e’er after, jus’ like Johnny an’ June did. Cuz he was no saint, bu’ she helped him, you know? Got him past his demons an’ all. Took some time bu’ she did it. So I thought maybe you could help me a li’l too. An’ you know, make me a better man.” He chuckles. “Ahhh, fuck, that jus’ sounds sappy. Bet you didn’ know I was a romantic, di’ you?”
He sniffles and wipes at his face with the hand holding the gun, then tips the Jim Beam back and sighs. “Then it all wen’ straight t’ hell. An’ I knew the moment I tol’ you I was sellin’ your place, then laid tha’ brand on you, that I lost any chance of gettin’ you t’ love me, but I was so mad, Ava. So mad I couldn’ see straight. But,” he says, raising the bottle like he’s giving a toast, “I got t’ marry you that day, didn’t I? And I got you doin’ anythin’ I want now. Bleedin’, screamin’, fuckin’, dressin’ up, cookin’ fancy meals. An’ I know, I know. You do it all fo’ him, I know, bu’ still. I get to do anything I want t’ you. An’ once I got tha’ room setup and we got our routine in place, I figured out that o’er time, I could get you hooked on me in other ways, by bindin’ you t’ me through th’ pain, an’ th’ pleasure, an’ th’ softness, an’ all that. It wasn’ love, bu’ it was somethin’. An’ I’ll let you in on a li’l secret, darlin’. I was tryin’ t’ get you t’ break your word in tha’ room. I was askin’ you t’ do such evil thing’s in there, hopin’ you’d reach that point where you wouldn’ do somethin’, even fo’ him. Cause I wanted t’ kill him so bad, Ava. So damn bad. And I woulda too, you know that, bu’ I didn’ wan’ t’ break my word t’ you. Was all I had left t’ prove t’ you that I might be worth somthin’. But yur so strong. So fuckin’ strong, you di’ it all.”