Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything(50)

Her answer was that it was important to her husband, who was important to her. Colin did the cooking in their house. And when he would get home from work and find a messy countertop, it took the wind out of his sails. This dampened his desire to pull stuff out of the fridge and whip up something delicious for his family—the mess Jill left stopped him short. He’d asked her a number of times to do a better job cleaning up, but she kept forgetting or running out of time. It was one of those small things that people fight about—you know, the things that crop up when tensions and stress are already peaking and result in a blast radius bigger than you ever thought possible. On the days when she did manage to do her habit, Jill discovered that the evenings went noticeably smoother. Colin would get home, cook a nice dinner, and they’d all eat together as a family. It was a little thing, but a big thing at the same time. When Jill framed it as a habit she was doing to create a more harmonious family for little Emma to grow up in and a way to strengthen her relationship with her husband, she saw that wiping those silly counters really was something to feel good about doing. And that was the key that gave her access to the meaning that was always there—the meaning that fueled her celebration and ultimately helped her to lock in that habit.





A Fast Way to Feel Successful


It’s time for someone to say it: You’ve got to lower your expectations.

When I say this, people sometimes gasp. Or they smirk. Or they think I’m joking.

But I’m serious.

Yes, in our hyperachieving, go-getter world, I’m telling you to lower the bar. Not because I don’t want you to achieve great things, but because I know that you need to start small in order to achieve them. But you can’t succeed with starting small if you’re looking down your nose at it. Why do we clap for a baby when she is taking her first step? Not because she is doing it perfectly, or because she “earned it,” or because she did it bigger and better than the baby next door. We clap because we know it is the first small step that she is taking toward a lifetime of walking and running—and that is hugely important.

Accepting this, believing that it is the way we succeed at change, may be a challenge for some of you out there, and that’s okay. Here are some strategies you might try that help people cultivate that feeling of success even when they are having difficulties doing so.

Recruit a kid to celebrate with you (they are so good at it!). Jill found that involving her three-year-old in the celebration helped her feel Shine more genuinely.



Do a physical movement: smile, raise your fists in victory, or take a Wonder Woman stance (fists on hips, chest out). Sometimes physical movements generate a positive feeling. Tune into the feeling of Shine and see if movement amplifies it.



When you’re celebrating, imagine that you’re celebrating someone you love. What would you say to them? Would you feel genuinely proud of what they’re doing? Yes, you would. Use that as a way to access the feeling of Shine.





One Surprising Solution to Two Habit Problems


Now seems the ideal time to answer two of the most frequently asked questions I get from people doing Tiny Habits: How can I wire my habit in fast? and I keep forgetting to do my habit; how can I help myself remember?

I’m pretty sure my answer will surprise you, but once you realize that creating a habit is a skill, my answer will make perfect sense.

Ready?

To wire in a habit fast or help yourself remember, you need to rehearse the behavior sequence (the Anchor, then the new habit) and immediately celebrate. Repeat this sequence seven to ten times.

By doing this drill—by rehearsing—you are supercharging the speed of habit formation. I know this sounds crazy today, but I believe this technique will be common practice in the future. When you rehearse your habit, you are training for the very moment you will do the habit in real life, just as you would rehearse for a dance recital or sales pitch. If you didn’t rehearse for these things, your dance performance would suffer and your sales pitch might fail. When it comes to peak performance, rehearsal matters.

How many three-point shots has Stephen Curry practiced? More than a million? He’s rehearsing so he can shoot from downtown without thinking. He’s wired in this habit. Swoosh!

When you rehearse in Tiny Habits, you are both training muscle memory and rewiring your brain to remember. And you can drill and wire in a habit quickly if you have an effective celebration.

Let’s say your wife is mad at you because you never put the TV remote back on the fireplace mantel where she thinks it belongs. If you goof up on this one more time, it won’t be pretty. Time to wire in this habit fast with rehearsal and celebration. The recipe would be something like this: After I push the off button at night, I will put the remote on the mantel.

Here’s how you rehearse.

Sit in the chair where you watch TV. Pick up the remote. Hit off, then stand up and put the remote on the mantel. Then celebrate big-time, pull out your go-to—the Rocky theme song or the Wonder Woman pose or the silent affirmation—and make sure you feel Shine. Okay, that’s once. Let’s repeat it. You sit back down with the remote. You hit the off button, you stand up . . .

You get the idea.





My Recipe—Tiny Habits Method


After I . . .

I will . . .

To wire the habit into my brain, I will immediately: