Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything(12)
When you apply this troubleshooting method to your own behavior, you’ll find that it stops you from blaming yourself. Let’s say you don’t meditate in the mornings as you’d hoped. Instead of blaming yourself for a lack of willpower or motivation, walk yourself through the steps: Did you have something to prompt you? What is making this hard to do?
In many cases, you’ll find your lack of doing a behavior is not a motivation issue at all. You can solve for the behavior by finding a good prompt or by making the behavior easier to do.
See the World through the Behavior Model Lens
I want you to practice observing the world through the lens of the Behavior Model. It will serve two purposes. One, it’s fun. Two, it will help you break things down along the lines of motivation, ability, and prompt so you can identify what’s driving your own behavior—or anyone else’s. At the end of this chapter, you’ll find some tiny exercises that will help you apply the Behavior Model in practical ways.
Many people who use the Behavior Model for step-by-step troubleshooting, report that this method helps them see the machinery of human behavior. You will be able to deconstruct your efforts at change and know how they are being undermined or supported. You’ll be able to better understand why you do some behaviors that you later regret.
We all do things that we don’t like.
Eat popcorn for dinner.
Yell at the kids.
Binge-watch Netflix.
But we don’t have to be blind to these behaviors or frustrated by them.
And we really, really don’t have to blame ourselves.
No one reminds me of this more than Jennifer, a talented graphic artist and an awesome mom. Before she signed up for Tiny Habits online and learned about the Behavior Model, she was frustrated that she couldn’t get herself to exercise. Jennifer used to work out all the time. She was an avid runner in college and even ran a half marathon with a friend a few years before she had kids. Things changed, and these days doing the dishes and the laundry was the most physical activity Jennifer engaged in. She really wanted to work out. But she was out of shape. She knew she had to start slow and steady.
Jennifer began doing yoga in her home office for fifteen minutes once in a while and occasionally ran to the end of the street. All things she was capable of doing. Nothing too strenuous. But she couldn’t get herself to do this with any regularity. Days that she exercised became “good” days and days she didn’t became “extra glass of wine” days. She told me later that this made her feel like a failure. This thing that used to be so easy for her was a daily struggle. Most days she couldn’t get herself to run to the mailbox, let alone run five miles, an achievement that used to bring her much joy. She felt like something was wrong with her. Why couldn’t she get herself to do it?
Jennifer was describing something common—a feeling of blockage or resistance. Every day she told herself that she should lift weights or go for a run. But she often came up with reasons not to—online shopping for the kids, research for work—then she felt like a failure at the end of the day. She knew she was making excuses for not doing something that was good for her. Was she depressed? Self-loathing? Weak-willed? What was going on?
When I e-mailed Jennifer in the weeks following her Tiny Habits experience, she told me how she had solved the puzzle of her exercise habit. First, she looked at what was going on with motivation, ability, and prompt. She broke her behavior down step by step and zeroed in on motivation. It was almost nonexistent. Most days she simply didn’t want to do yoga in the office by herself. Jennifer set aside her idea of solitary yoga to find a better match. By listing different exercises that appealed to her, she stumbled on solid gold. The exercises she enjoyed had one thing in common—they were done as part of a group. The more she thought about it, the more Jennifer realized that working out by herself wasn’t fun. It felt like an obligation, and she didn’t have enough motivation to get herself over the Action Line. In the end, Jennifer gave up on the idea of working out alone and she matched herself with group exercises: She joined a weekly spin class, then a weekly yoga class, then a mom’s running group, and before she knew it, she was back in the habit of working out.
This was a huge victory for Jennifer, but figuring out the behavior puzzle wasn’t what she was most excited about. The real life-changer was that she had broken the self–trash talk spell. Before she knew how behavior worked, she felt nagged by why she couldn’t exercise as she used to. It was a narrative running on repeat—“You can’t do what you used to; what’s wrong with you?” At the end of the day, she’d chew on this before having her self-prescribed glass of wine. She’d rack her brain for answers. Maybe she was getting old, maybe she needed to be on antidepressants, maybe she should see a personal trainer. She’d eventually get so frustrated and down that she had to busy herself with making dinner and picking up toys. It wasn’t until she mapped out her behavior that she realized it wasn’t all about her. It was about the behaviors. Once she broke them down into their component parts, she realized where the design flaws were. She had the ability, but she was not sufficiently motivated to work out by herself. To make matters worse, she didn’t have a reliable prompt for office yoga time.
Lucky for Jennifer (and the rest of us), the Behavior Model doesn’t have a “lazy” axis or a “weak” axis. It didn’t fit her blame narrative. It’s a model, not a referendum on character. Once Jennifer realized that she was not her behavior, everything changed. She started to think about her habits as if they were recipes. If the result wasn’t to her liking, she needed to change the ratios and fiddle with the ingredients, not beat herself up or give up.