The Relationship Pact(70)

But as the door clicks shut behind me and he turns around to face me, I know that’s not going to happen.

“Hollis?” I ask despite the compression in my chest making it hard to breathe. “What’s happening?”

“I …” He sighs. “I have the Landry thing tomorrow, and then I’m going to head to Vermont and check on River.”

He’s going through the motions of telling me goodbye. He’s just not saying it.

“Why?” It’s all I can say, all I can ask.

“His mom is—”

“Dammit, Hollis. I know his mom is sick, and you know I’m not asking why you’re going to see your friend.” I take a step closer to him. “Why are you leaving?”

“To go see River.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” I tell him, my voice rising.

He might need to check on his friend, but that’s not why he’s leaving. We both know that. But the only other reason he could be avoiding me—which he clearly is—is that he doesn’t want to be with me.

It’s a shot directly to the heart that I’d opened up for him. My body tightens as if I was actually hit with a bullet. And, to make it worse, he was choosing to avoid me rather than even saying goodbye.

“You don’t have to want to be here with me,” I tell him, “but you could at least tell me the truth. Don’t I deserve that much?”

Tears wet my eyes. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Riss …” He says my name softly, but he doesn’t make any movements toward me.

I see where this is going. I feel the start of the pain that will overwhelm me soon. It rips through my chest, shredding my heart into a million pieces.

“What did I do?” I ask him, my voice breaking. “Everything was fine, and then …”

“Everything was. Everything is. It’s just not ...”

“It’s not what?”

He watches me warily. But as I look deeper into those eyes I love so much, I see it. The shield, the guard, the switch he flips to keep himself safe is coming down.

“Maybe I can come back and see you this summer,” he says, his voice weak. But it’s not an offer. Not really. It’s one of his infamous tries to redirect the conversation.

I laugh, but this time it’s tinged with anger. He hears it, too, because he takes a step back.

“That’s a weak attempt at deflection,” I say. “You can do much better.”

“How is it deflecting? I’m offering to come and see you!”

“It’s deflecting because it avoids the reason you’re leaving and it is not River,” I say as he opens his mouth to repeat his false argument. “What do you want from me? To just be like, ‘Oh, okay, he might be back in June’?”

He holds his hands out to his sides. “What else do you want?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe for you to be the man I know and love.”

The words flow past my lips freely before I can catch them and scoop them back up. They hang in the air between us like an unwanted visitor.

His eyes are as wide as his shoulders as he takes me in, shaking his head. “No, Larissa. Come on. You don’t love me.”

I don’t know where that word choice came from. It’s not one I use loosely. But I said it, and now, on the other side, I don’t regret it.

I mean it.

The man has taught me more in a few days than all the men I’ve ever dated combined. He’s taught me that it’s okay to be me. He’s made me feel confident and gorgeous. I’ve witnessed loyalty and know what it’s like to have a guy around whose eyes don’t troll on a room for other beautiful women. While in my presence. Not even beautiful Bellamy. He stood up for me to Sebastian and made an effort to talk to my family. He listened to me ramble about my day and worked through his hang-ups to open up to a woman who desperately wanted to get to know him.

The thought of not telling him about my day tomorrow makes me want to cry. Considering that I won’t know if he’s happy or what he’s working on feels like a fraying rope in my chest.

I’ll never be able to put all of those strands back together.

“I do love you,” I tell him, my heart breaking. I’ve never felt this before. I’ve felt as treasured as I have with Hollis. Yet, he was going to walk away without even facing me. “I get that you were leaving Savannah. I’ve known that from the beginning, and I haven’t asked you for any promises. Or any reciprocation of feelings.” I sniffle, my lip trembling. “But you weren’t even going to say goodbye.”

Tears stream down my cheeks, and I don’t even try to stop them. I’m trying to fight my insecurities that, once again, someone will leave me—does this stem from my mom’s pain from when my dad left?—but this hurts more because I gave away my heart.

“Don’t cry,” he begs.

“Why not? Because it makes it harder for you to face reality? That you’re walking away from someone who loves you?”

He groans. “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this.”

“We don’t ask for a lot of stuff in our lives, Hollis, but we have to deal with it.”

“You don’t think I know that?” His voice rises. “Look at all the shit I have to deal with. I think I deal pretty fucking well, if you ask me.”