The Real(92)

Abbie’s Mac: Did she do it a lot?

Cameron’s Mac: Too often to talk about comfortably. I think I was mostly in shock. She was nothing like the woman I married and I’d never dealt with anything like that before. A few fights when I was younger. I went to see a therapist and Kat refused.

Abbie nodded as if she already knew. I had no idea what my ex-wife told her.

Cameron’s Mac: I honestly don’t know if it was all because of the drugs now that I look back. For the most part, she had a shitty temper but never lashed out like that. I think her father knows something more about that and they both never shared it with me. The night you found out, I handed her fate over to him. I wanted to be free of her, so I could be with you. Selfish, yes. Every single minute. I left my wife a drug addict to save my own life. To find another reason to be happy, to find you. I was tired of living in her nightmare. I sacrificed her well-being for my own.

Abbie’s Mac: That’s not true Cameron.

Cameron’s Mac: It is. In sickness and in health. She got sick and I only spent a year trying to help her before I left. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it the same way again. That’s the truth.

I swallowed.

Cameron’s Mac: In a way I think I knew this, us, would blow up in my face. In some idiotic way I think I deserved it. I should have felt guilty for being as happy as I was with you when she still struggled with her addiction. I couldn’t blame you now, if you couldn’t trust me. And I don’t know how to move forward from this. I never wanted you to know. I’m almost certain I would have kept that from you. Probably. I think. Fuck, I don’t know if that’s the truth. But I never should have lied to you about the fact I was still married.

Her breath left her as she read and re-read my words shaking her head.

Abbie’s Mac: No.

Cameron’s Mac: You had every right to be angry. I’m the bad guy, Abbie. In this scenario, I am the bad guy.

She shook her head refusing to believe me.

Cameron’s Mac: This time I am. This round I was the one who was in denial and it paved my way into your heart and into your bed.

I saw her face pale as she shook her head adamantly.

Cameron’s Mac: Yes. I hid behind your rules, so I had a shot with you. I did all of these things. But loving you was never a lie.

Abbie’s Mac: You would never purposefully hurt me.

Cameron’s Mac: I did hurt you, I scared you. That night, at your house I scared you.

Abbie’s Mac: You would never hurt me.

Cameron’s Mac: I did. And I did it by trying to save myself.

“This is bullshit,” she said as she closed her Mac and shoved it in her tote. She wiped at her face with her hands stained with dark streaks I’d caused and met my gaze head on as she gathered her things and walked out of the coffee shop.

Stunned, I scrambled after her. “Abbie,” I caught up with her a few steps out of the café. “Abbie! Damn it! This is happening. We’re doing this.” She walked forward and I caught her by the arm. “I mean it. I’m not going anywhere. Just tell me what you want.”

She turned on me.

“Oh, this is happening? Really, Cameron? Are you sure about that?”

I stared at her in confusion as she looked up at me with contempt. “I don’t think you know what this is.”

“What are you saying?”

“You want to play villain instead of victim? Fine. But unless you can admit to being both we have nowhere to go.”

Shock filtered through me as she challenged me. I stood slack-jawed as she called me out on my last lie. I couldn’t look away from the woman I loved. Her commanding eyes washed me in their blue fire, and in a way, I felt cleansed. I’d never been more vulnerable in my life. Every card I had was laid bare at her feet, every emotion I felt reflected in her eyes. I had nowhere to go.

She pressed in, seeing it all. “No more secrets, Cameron and no more hiding. She’s the goddamn bad guy. She hurt you physically and mentally and she doesn’t get a pass for that. Especially not from you.”

“What do you want?” I said as acid lit my veins.

“I want the truth.”

“You want me to admit being a victim? Fine. I’m a victim, but it was never by choice, and I fought my way out of that hell by myself, so I think I’m entitled to a little discretion. No man in the world wants to admit to anything like that. No man in the world ever wants to talk about anything like that, Abbie.”

I glanced around the sidewalk and found we were alone. “You think I wanted you to know, to see she hit me?”

“I did see. I saw it, I just didn’t know what I was seeing! And I can tell you now, I will never be able to forget it. She hurt you. Do you think you’re somehow less of a man because of it? She did this, that makes her a coward. You’re still a man, Cameron. And you’re still going to bleed no matter how strong you are. She’s the fucking villain, not you. Just tell me you know that much.”

My throat filled with acid and I slowly nodded.

“You didn’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m sorry. But I had my reasons. You saw them. They were written all over my face. I had to protect my happiness, but what I had with my mom I lost, and what I thought I had with Kat was beaten out of me. So, I’m sorry I fucking lied to you. I shouldn’t have. But it was over with her a long time ago. You weren’t the only one afraid of masks, Abbie. Not by a damn long shot.”