The Real(90)

“I’m nothing special and I’m okay with that. It’s like with Bree and all her talents. I’ve always tried to adapt to some of her ways to make myself more interesting, to be a little more adventurous. Learn to belly dance like her or go on one of her safari’s, but that’s Bree. That’s part of her allure. Me, well I study crazy human behavior, eat dinner regularly with an eighty-six-year-old and count numbers for a living. My kind of exciting is so lame that I have a hard time explaining myself to others. But not you. I never had to explain myself to you.” He stood statue-still as I spoke to his back.

“I can count.” My voice cracked as I choked on a threatening sob. “I can tell you how many cups of coffee we’ve shared. Fifty-six. Or how many times you told me I was beautiful. Twenty-two times you’ve said that to me, twenty-two times that you’ve made me feel like heaven existed on earth. I can tell you how many times you’ve kissed me and taken my body, and I promise you, it wasn’t nearly enough. Twice you told me you loved me,” I was crying quietly at his back. “And both times I felt like I could be myself and nothing else and that was enough for you. It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life.”

My tears fell freely as I stood with my heart bleeding and held it out to him. He gave me nothing, not a word or a single movement, but that didn’t keep me from fighting.

“I’ve only made one promise to you, so I had to keep it. But I wanted to make it clear about what I aspire to be, and what I’m not. What I may never be. But I know special when I see it. And you have it. Whatever it is that makes a person . . . more. I won’t win the Pulitzer and I can’t belly dance, but I can do something so much better than any woman alive. I can love you.” He flinched as my voice cracked. “And I can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I’ll show up for you. I’ll be there every time you need me. I’ll be your best friend. I can love you, Cameron. You are the thing I’m good at. You. Being yours. And I swear to God I will never lay a hand on you in anger, ever again.”

People began to filter through the exhibit, so I took a breath and collected myself. I barely heard him when he finally spoke.

“Who told you?”

“She did.”

His shoulders fell, and he hung his head.

“You should know, she just left my house, I texted you to meet me before she came to my door. Me being here and asking you has little to do with her confession.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me, Abbie, that’s not what I want.”

“I don’t. Okay, that’s a lie, I do. But I can’t stop those feelings. Any feelings when it comes to you. And I don’t want to. Cameron, please look at me.”

His voice was a whisper. “Forgive—”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying—”

“No,” he turned around with unshed tears in his eyes. “Forgive me. How can you forgive me for fucking up something so perfect because I selfishly let it happen between us? But how could I . . . ” he choked on his emotion.

“How could I tell you that I could be the man for you Abbie and the truth? I wasn’t enough to save my marriage. I got selfish, I gave up. I stopped loving her and I started loving you and I don’t regret it. But I let her destroy herself because I was tired of trying. I wanted to move on without her. I hated her, Abbie. I still hate her. How can you feel anything for me?”

“I feel more for you because of it. I want more for you. How can that be wrong? And if there’s a little pity involved, then I’m sorry, you’ll have to deal with being vulnerable like I have to deal with your dishonesty.”

He looked around us and lowered his voice as a couple passed by sensing our tension. “I was going to tell you everything. That night.”

“It was too late. And instead of believing the best in you, I hurt you in a way you may not be able to forgive me for. But even if some part of me thought the worst and acted, my heart won’t ever let me forget I chose you and it’s not because you’re the perfect man.”

Tumultuous oceans of green swept my face.

“But just so you know, you and me, we are absolute.”

He closed his eyes tightly and two thin tears streamed down his face and stole my breath. It was wrong, it looked all wrong on him. This wasn’t the carefree man I fell in love with who had the strength of mountains that at that moment resided on his shoulders. The need to fly to him was unbearable as I kept where I was standing.

I took a step forward as he gazed down at me with desperation. “I just want us back, Cameron. I’m choosing to believe you. If that makes me a fool or susceptible to an outsider’s eyes, then let me be those things. But I couldn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Stupid, naïve, whatever, I don’t believe it of myself and I don’t believe the secrets you hid taint you. I do know you, Cameron, maybe not every detail of your failed marriage or trivial things that really won’t change our relationship one way or another, but I know you and I love you.”

“Abbie—” His voice was thick, agony laced and matched the ache in my chest. I was shaking with need to touch him, to fly into his arms and erase the days without him. I hated myself in that moment for missing a single minute, but I wasn’t solely responsible.

“I want us back. But I deserve the man who pursued me with good intentions and an open heart. I deserve him because that’s the man I want to love. If there’s any left of him inside you, that’s the man I’m waiting for. He didn’t want to give up and I don’t want him to either, because he makes me happy, so incredibly happy. He makes my life so much better, he knows me. You ask me how I can forgive you? Ask my heart who refuses to let me hold this grudge. I love you too much. I choose happiness over bitterness, now over then, always with you. Always. I don’t want to be without you, ever. We all die at zero, Cameron if we’re alone, we all end up at zero. There is no point in keeping score.”