The Kill Society (Sandman Slim)(89)

But I really have nothing better to look at, so I keep watching. By now the angels have moved on to creating air and water. Then microscopic organisms. That’s good news at least. God believes in evolution. Then animals show up, and finally, the crown of Creation, us ridiculous human assholes. But he left out traffic jams on the 405, reality TV, and selfie sticks. Talk about propaganda.

Outside the gates, Alice lands us on a courtyard made of marble slabs as big as a Safeway parking lot.

Everybody oohs and aahs.

Alice folds her wings and stands next to me.

“Well?”

“Please tell me it’s not all like this.”

“Of course not. Heaven is just a regular place with trees and houses and libraries and parks.”

“And bars?”

“Yes, bars.”

“And movie theaters. You promised me movie theaters.”

“Yes, movie theaters. It’s just that seeing as how it was everyone’s first time here, I thought I’d take you through the formal entrance.”

I look up at the gates. The floor show is starting over. Lights. Angels. Stars. The whole bit.

“Isn’t there a nice alley with a Dumpster out in back of a taco place? Can’t we go in there?”

Alice gives me a look.

“I’m driving, so we’re going in the nice way.” She points past me. “Look at Father Traven. He’s enjoying himself.”

“Indeed I am.”

His eyes are as wide as Escalade wheel rims.

“See? That’s a positive attitude. Give it a try.”

I shift the bundle around in my arms.

“I did it once. I got a rash.”

Alice watches the others enjoying themselves.

“Fine—if you can’t be nice, then be quiet. Just until you see how things work around here. I swear you’re going to like it.”

“Introduce me to Sam Fuller. That would be a good start.”

“Excuse me,” says Doris. “Are there animals here?”

“You mean animal Heaven? It’s right over the big red bridge. I’ll show you later,” says Alice.

Doris beams. “Then it was worth the storm. I’ve missed Tootsie, my cat, so much.”

Daja says, “I miss Oscar. He was my ferret.”

Wanuri makes a face. “You had a ferret? They’re just weasels who learned a few tricks.”

“Have you ever actually met one? They’re sweet. Lots of people have ferrets.”

“Lots of crazy people,” says Gisco.

Everybody stares at him. Of course. We’re in Heaven. Everybody can talk to everybody.

It’s nice to understand you, Gisco, but fucking hell. It’s already so fucking sweet here. Like being in Disneyland forever. And I already got off the only good ride.

Wanuri says, “Matilda, my ex, had a whole fish tank of scorpions. Those don’t count as pets, do they? Are there scorpions in Heaven?”

Alice thinks for a moment.

“Believe it or not, that’s the first time the subject has come up. But I can ask.”

“I hope not. And I hope they ate her.”

“What did I just say about a positive attitude?”

“Sorry.”

Daja walks away from the group. I follow her.

“Are you going to be okay with Raziel gone?”

“I guess. It’s just that between him and this, it’s a lot to take in all at once.”

“They probably have therapists in Heaven.”

“They better. Who’s that?”

I look at where she’s pointing. Someone in a suit sharp enough to cut a diamond is headed our way. I walk over to him.

“I see you made it,” says Samael. “And you brought some little friends. You always were sentimental.”

“Careful. It’s that attitude that got you the Lucifer gig. Do you want to go back to that?”

“Not for all the tea in China.”

I hand him the moldy drapes wrapped around the Light Killer.

“Hold this. I have to get something.”

“Why is it every time I see you my cleaning bill goes up?”

I take out the amber knife.

“I told you I’d get this back to you soon.”

“No thank you.”

“But I’m done with it.”

“Are you sure? You might want to turn around.”

I look over my shoulder just as an armored angel swoops down at me, his Gladius raised to take off my head.

I roll onto the marble floor and back onto my feet. The winged bastard misses Samael by a few inches, but Samael doesn’t move. Always the show-off.

By now the others have dropped their kitten and bunny chatter and noticed me fighting for my fucking life.

“Sarosh!” shouts Alice.

Sarosh. Now at least I know the name of the guy who’s going to relieve me of the misery of eating organic muffins forever.

The angel makes a sharp turn and shoots back at me. I shout some Hellion hoodoo and it has about as much effect as reading cupcake recipes to a lobster.

You’re in Heaven, dumb-ass. Hell magic isn’t going to work here.

While I’m trying to improvise some Sub Rosa hoodoo, on the off chance that Heaven allows us magical types any leeway at all, Sarosh lands. And runs at me like Toshiro Mifune in full samurai mode. At least if I had a na’at I might be able to put a little distance between us. But I have nothing other than the amber knife, and I’m really trying to not start out in Heaven by killing an angel. Of course, there is another angel in the vicinity and she’s not the shy type.