The Girl I Used to Be(91)

Gemma was panting and her knuckles were white where she gripped the stick. She looked terrified. I was, too, but more than that I was exhilarated.

“Here,” I said. I stood behind her and put my arms around her, her back to my chest. I could feel Gemma’s body shaking, and mine was, too. I grabbed hold of the stick so we were both holding it. Alex had stood like this with me, when he was teaching me to play hockey in our garden the summer before he died.

David was about to rise when I felt Gemma lift her arms. I pressed against her, my body touching hers, my hands right next to hers on Alex’s hockey stick, and it was as though Alex were with us too, as though he were behind me, guiding me. Protecting me. As though the three of us were one.

David’s eyes flicked from me to her and back again. I don’t think he could believe we were sticking up for ourselves.

“This one’s for you, babe,” I said to him.

We lifted our arms higher still and Gemma shouted, “It’s from all of us, you bastard.”

And then with our bodies together, united, we brought Alex’s hockey stick down with full force on David’s head.

This time he lay still.





SEVENTY-TWO


    GEMMA


Saturday, August 19

JOE WAS WAITING for me in the reception area of the police station when I was finally allowed to leave. It was after two A.M. by then. He looked as exhausted as I felt, and he held me to him for so long that I thought I’d go to sleep in his arms.

“Where’s Rachel?” he asked. “Is she coming with us?”

“They’ve taken her to hospital,” I said. “They want her to stay in overnight, because she lost consciousness.”

He winced. “And are you all right, sweetheart?” He put his arms around me again and held me to him. “I’ve been so worried.”

“I’m fine,” I said. “Let’s just get out of here.” Poor Joe, he’d been sitting there for hours waiting for me, not knowing what was going on. The police had told him I was being questioned about an incident that had occurred in Rachel’s house; that was all he knew up till then. “It was to do with Rachel’s husband. Long, long story.”

He raised his eyebrows at that, because of course he hadn’t known she was married. I hadn’t known myself until recently, of course. It was good now to have him sitting beside me, one hand on my leg as he drove. I said I’d tell him everything when we got back to my parents’ house, and though I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, I knew he wasn’t fooled.

“My mum’s going to be worried,” I said as Joe parked the car.

“I called her. I told her I was with you and we’d be back late.”

“You didn’t tell her anything?”

“I didn’t know anything,” he said. “I said we’d talk to them in the morning.”

I could only imagine the self-restraint my mother had had to show then. My dad must have had his work cut out calming her down, but as we entered the house all was quiet from their bedroom.

As soon as we were in the living room, Joe opened his mouth to speak, but I said, “I need to shower,” and ran upstairs to the bathroom and closed the door.

I kept my eyes shut while I showered. All I could think of was David saying, You made me what I am. I scoured my skin, and the heat of the shower and the tears on my face and that scrubbing motion reminded me of the shower I’d taken after the party where I’d tried to wash away my shame.

Fifteen years later, it had finally ended.

Back downstairs in my dressing gown, I sat in the living room while Joe made a pot of tea and some toast. Although I hadn’t thought I could eat a thing, I found I was ravenous and sat at the kitchen table while he toasted more bread. He sat quietly with me while I ate; I knew he was bursting with questions but he didn’t say a word.

When I’d finished eating, he tidied away the plates and mugs, and we sat on the sofa, his arms around me, a blanket covering us.

“I want you to tell me everything,” he said. “Don’t miss anything out. Don’t try to spare my feelings, or think you’re doing me a favor by leaving anything out.” He stroked my face and kissed me. “I love you, Gemma. I’ll love you no matter what you say. But please don’t lie to me.”

And so I told him.



* * *



*

    IT WAS AN hour before I finished. He kept quiet throughout, though he did prompt me occasionally.

“And then we ran out of the room and Rachel remembered there was a key to the bedroom. They hadn’t used it since Alex died; it was by the front door on a hook. I held the door shut and she ran downstairs to find it. Once she’d locked him in, I called the police and we waited outside, in the driveway. They were there within minutes.”

Joe’s face was pale and drawn by the time I’d finished. “The same man,” he said at last. “I’ve hated him for so long, Gem. You know that. When I think of what he did to you all those years ago, I want to kill him. But now. The things he’s done since.” He put his arms around me and buried his head in my neck. “You must have been terrified.”

“You wouldn’t believe it. When Rachel was downstairs and I was holding the door shut . . . It was an old door handle and if he’d been fit he would have been able to get out of there easily.” I shuddered. “I knew he wouldn’t be able to get up. I knew we had a few minutes, at least. But that thought, that he’d pull open the door . . . I was so frightened.”