The Girl I Used to Be(64)
She kept her eyes averted, but nodded. “My mum never recovered from Alex’s death,” she said. “She’d always had a problem with depression, but this really tipped her over the edge.”
I thought of Rory and how it would feel to lose him. “I’d be the same.”
“And nothing seemed to work. She had antidepressants, she had sleeping pills, the lot. Nothing made a difference. The house was a shrine to Alex. Photos everywhere, videos running, candles burning. It brought her no comfort. Basically she spent all those years wanting to die, wanting to be with him. And in the end she had breast cancer. By the time she saw the doctor, it had spread to her liver. Apparently she’d found a lump years before and didn’t say a word. By the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late.” Her eyes were wet with tears. “Don’t tell me that would have happened if Alex hadn’t died.”
“Rachel, I’m really sorry Alex died. I’m sorry you lost your mum, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that he raped me.”
“But you withdrew your charge,” she said. “Why would you do that if you thought he’d done that?”
“I know,” I said. “I did withdraw it. You know what it was like back then. Well, maybe you don’t; you’re younger than I am. I’d been to a party; I was drunk. My family was going on holiday the day after the party; we’d been looking forward to it all year. It was supposed to be a celebration. I’d got into university and my parents were so proud of me. I cried the whole holiday and my mum thought I just didn’t want to leave home.” I sat for a few minutes, thinking of that holiday, how I’d stayed indoors in the baking heat, scrubbing and scrubbing myself in the shower. “And then when I got back I told Lauren and she took me to the police station. When my mum and dad found out I’d told the police, they begged me not to take it any further. My dad had been on a jury in a rape trial a few years before. There was a not-guilty verdict; he was the only juror who disagreed with it. He was horrified at the way the woman was cross-examined, and he was frightened that would happen to me. He said Alex’s defense lawyers would pull me to pieces.” I met her eyes. “They would have, too. I would have been destroyed.”
She was quiet, then said, “I was eleven when Alex went to Oxford. I remember that New Year, just a few months later. He came home for Christmas but he wouldn’t leave the house. And then when he did, a couple of days before New Year, he came home crying. He never told us what happened.”
I turned away. I knew my friend Lauren had seen him while she and Tom were out in a pub in town. I hadn’t asked what she’d said to him, but I guessed it was pretty brutal.
“The next day he went back to Oxford. The term hadn’t started, of course, so I guess there weren’t many people around.” She put her head into her knees and wrapped her arms around herself. I could barely hear her. “On New Year’s Eve he phoned my mum and said he was going down to the river. There would be fireworks there, he said. And the next day we got a visit from the police. His body had washed up in the early-morning tide.”
She was crying now and there was nothing I could do to comfort her. I wanted to tell her it wasn’t my fault, but there was a dead brother between us. Whatever had happened to me, I hadn’t died, though I’d wanted to at times. I made a move to hug her, but she wrenched herself away.
“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t touch me.”
A shift in the light in the room made me look at my watch. I stood up. “I’m sorry, Rachel,” I said. “I’m going to have to go. Joe’s got something on at the running club tonight.” I sent him a quick text telling him I’d be five minutes.
She scrambled up and picked up her bag off the breakfast bar, then hesitated. “Gemma, what are you going to do?” I said nothing, and once again she broke the silence. “Are you going to tell the police?”
“I have to. You know that.”
“Can you just give me some time? He wasn’t meant to go that far. It’s just . . . if you do tell the police, will you let me know in advance, so I can be prepared?”
I laughed. “What, you want me to give you both time to get your story straight?”
“No! I don’t want to be with him when he’s arrested. I know I need to speak to them. I know I shouldn’t have done those things. It’s just . . . I think he could be trouble if he’s confronted. I don’t want to be there.”
Something about the way she said that made me say, “Has he hurt you, Rachel?”
She shook her head, but I wasn’t convinced.
“Don’t say anything to him about this, will you?” I asked. “Keep yourself safe.”
She stared at me then, her eyes brimming with tears, then she turned, her shoulders hunched, and hurried to the lift.
FORTY-EIGHT
RACHEL
I CHECKED MY phone as soon as I left the building and saw that David had sent a text, saying he’d be late coming home. He was waiting for a call from a client and couldn’t leave the office until he’d spoken to them. I looked at the time of his message; he’d sent it three minutes before. Quickly I sent a reply, Will miss you, sweetheart xx, and breathed a sigh of relief. He hated it if I didn’t reply quickly. I’d had a warning from Gemma about using my mobile at work when I’d been working for her a few weeks, and after that I had to tell him I couldn’t just answer the phone whenever he wanted. Actually it was a relief she’d warned me; I was finding it stressful having to respond when I was meant to be working.