The Girl I Used to Be(59)

I fell back onto the bed.

Alex?



* * *



*

AFTER HE CLOSED the door, the room was back in darkness. Panicking, I tried to get off the bed, to work out what to do. I couldn’t think clearly; couldn’t see anything. What had happened? Why was Alex in here? I floundered around in the dark, then remembered there’d been a lamp on in the room when I first lay down; it was on the bedside table. I scrambled over the bed toward it and fumbled for the switch.

In the lamplight I looked at myself in disbelief. My dress was up around my waist and my knickers were on the floor beside the bed. My head was fuzzy from sleep and alcohol and I couldn’t think straight.

And then I heard Tom calling from downstairs.

“Gemma? Gemma! The taxi’s here!”

I scrambled off the bed and pulled on my knickers. My sandals were on the floor beside the bed and quickly I slid them on. I looked around frantically. I hadn’t left anything behind.

I ran to the door, wrenched it open, and ran downstairs as fast as I could, my blistered feet rubbing against my new sandals.

Tom was waiting for me. “She’s in the taxi,” he said. “Where were you?”

I shook my head and said nothing. I just wanted to get out of there. Outside I got into the front passenger seat. Lauren was behind me, with Tom next to her. They talked about the party, about how strange it would be to not see people again until they got back from university at Christmas, about how it wasn’t long now and how they’d visit each other every weekend. Everything they said was interspersed with kisses.

I leaned my head against the window, feeling it cold against my burning skin. I couldn’t think about what had happened to me. I couldn’t talk about it. What would I say? So when Lauren spoke to me, I closed my eyes and I heard Tom say, “She’s asleep.” Lauren laughed and said, “Lightweight.”

The journey seemed to take hours. My face was pressed against the glass the whole time, each bump in the road punishing me. I didn’t cry. I didn’t think about what had happened. I couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to let myself do that.

When we arrived at Lauren’s house, Tom took the money her mum had left us in the hall and paid the taxi driver. I went straight into the spare room, where I’d slept so many times before. I couldn’t take off my clothes. I didn’t want to look at myself. The curtains were drawn and the room was almost dark, with only the faint glimmer of the light from the lamppost outside shining through. I sat on the floor by the wall, rested my head on my knees, and hugged my knees tightly.

Someone went into the bathroom across the landing from my room, and just the sound of them shutting the door was enough to make me leap up. I stood panting in the dark, just about ready to scream. And then I heard Lauren say, “Sorry!” and realized she must have woken her mum. As my breathing slowed I realized that, of course, it wasn’t him. It wasn’t anything to worry about.

I sat down by the wall again and stayed there until six, when the sun was rising. I picked up my bag, held my house key tightly in my hand, and tiptoed out of the house. Once outside in the cool morning air, I ran the half mile to my own house on the same estate, focusing only on my feet as the blisters rubbed and burst with each step I took.

Safely home, I ripped off all my clothes and put them into a plastic bag and buried them at the bottom of the bin outside. I wouldn’t wear them again. Then I stood in the shower, scrubbing my body until it was raw, not daring to look down at the blood that colored the water pink as it swirled down the drain.

I still didn’t cry. Perhaps if I had, things would have been different.





FORTY-FOUR


    GEMMA




Present day

I TOOK A step backward, unable to believe what I’d heard.

“Alex’s sister?”

“Yes, Alex Clarke’s sister. You remember him, don’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes, of course I remember him.” How could I not? “But you don’t look anything like him. And your surname’s Thomas. Is Thomas your married name?”

“It’s my mother’s name. Her maiden name. When my parents divorced, she and I changed our names. We didn’t want anything to do with my dad.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were his sister?”

She laughed. “Like you would have given me the job!”

I thought back to the application she’d written. She’d seemed so enthusiastic and her qualifications were great. She hadn’t used Alex’s address, I knew that. I would never forget that address, even now, fifteen years later. “Did you know who I was when you applied for the job?”

“Of course I did.” She gave me a scornful look. “I’m not stupid.”

“But why? Why would you want to come and work for me?”

She said nothing, just stood staring at me, her knuckles white as she gripped the clipboard.

And then I realized just what was going on. “Are you in on this with David Sanderson?” Her sneer only reminded me that I didn’t know his name. “Or whatever his name is.”

“You needed to be taught a lesson,” she said.

“I did? Why? What have I done?”

“Do you really think,” she said, then stopped. I could see tears in her eyes. She began again. “Do you really think that you could ruin my brother’s life and get away with it?”