The Girl I Used to Be(66)

    GEMMA


ONCE AGAIN I got home to find Joe fuming because he thought he was going to be late for his running group.

“You won’t be late if you go now,” I said, tired of taking the blame for this all the time. There was an early-morning group he could run with, but in his mind the evening one was more convenient. It wasn’t, and I was tired of explaining that every week.

“What’s for dinner, Mummy?” asked Rory once Joe had left.

“Haven’t you eaten yet, sweetheart? It’s getting late.”

“I wasn’t hungry before,” he said, sitting at the kitchen island with a hopeful look on his face. “Can I have a buffet for my dinner?”

I laughed and hugged him. We’d been to a wedding a while ago and Rory couldn’t believe his luck when he saw the buffet. He spent most of the afternoon going up there with his plate and choosing what he wanted to eat. I opened the fridge and was so glad I’d remembered to order an online shop to be delivered that morning.

I quickly prepared a few snacks for Rory, and after he’d eaten I let him beat me in a dozen games of Snap, but all the while my mind was racing with what Rachel had told me.

I had believed her when she’d said she didn’t know that David had been in my hotel room that night. She was married to him, so why would she want him to do that? And if she knew I was drugged, she would have been there, just to be sure of what he’d done.

I shuddered. Had she been there? Was she lying to me about that? But then I thought of the look on her face when she saw the voyeur website. She wasn’t that good an actress; that was true disgust.

While Rory splashed around in the bath, in his own imaginary world, I sat on the bathroom floor and wondered whether she’d be able to act normal that night, to pretend nothing had happened. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that.

I thought about what she’d done. She’d started work for me without explaining who she was. That wasn’t a crime. She might have passed my home address to David, but it was available online anyway. I wondered about the phone calls I’d received at home, where all I could hear was silence. Was that him? Or even her? I’d given him my mobile number and my work e-mail address myself, but everyone at work had my home landline number just in case. And then in London she’d taken my photo, but she hadn’t done anything with it, though sending it to me might indicate blackmail was intended. I had a feeling Joe would have received a copy of it one day, but he hadn’t so far. What had she done, exactly?

I wanted to talk to Joe, but I worried that instead of thinking about what Rachel had done, he’d think about what I’d done. I’d lied repeatedly to him. Did it matter that I was being set up? All he would think about were my lies. I thought of Caitlin and yearned to talk to her, too, the way we used to back in the day. When I met and married Joe, I was so happy. It was as though my family was complete. I knew, though, that no matter how hard she tried, her allegiance would always be to him. In marrying Joe, I’d lost my best friend, in a way.

Of course it wasn’t like that really. She’d come round and it would be just like the old days, and we could sprawl on the sofas and chat and everything would be fine. Great, even. She was happy for me to criticize Joe as long as it made her laugh, as long as it was gentle and said with love. But how could I talk to her about a man in my hotel room and the lies I’d told Joe over and over again? Just that day I’d had a text from her saying, Ugh, you saw a mouse? I can’t believe you didn’t call me! and I thought, Well, that’s because there was no mouse but what I actually wrote was It was awful. Don’t make me talk about it. Lies upon lies.

After Rory was out of the bath and had been read to, I went downstairs for something to eat. I couldn’t face cooking anything then, but I knew Joe would be starving when he came back from his run. I made up a plate of sandwiches and put together a fruit salad, then sat in the living room, thinking about Rachel and how she’d got on that night. Had she spoken to him about it? Lost her temper over him taking things too far? Or maybe he’d noticed a difference in her and wouldn’t rest until he found out what was bothering her. And was she really innocent? Perhaps I’d been wrong to believe her when she’d said she knew nothing about the photos and the website.

I grabbed my laptop, went into Incognito mode, and checked the voyeur site, scrolling through it, trying to both see whether I was on it and not look at the other women. My phone beeped, startling me. It was Joe.

Hey Gem, mind if I go for a drink with the boys? xx

Immediately I replied, Of course not. If he stayed out, I could stay on the voyeur site again without worrying about Joe noticing and thinking I was a pervert. I added, Have a great night xxx

After another ten minutes on that site, though, I felt disgusting, and on impulse I reactivated my Facebook account. For old times’ sake, I looked up Lauren’s page. She and I had been Facebook friends for a long time, but I’d hidden her notifications after a while. She had twins a few years ago and would post on there hourly, updating the world on their achievements. But that night I was thinking about the past, about Alex and that night at the party, so I looked at her page and started to read about her life over there.

She must have noticed that I was online, because within ten minutes a message came up.

Hi Gemma! How are you? It’s ages since we spoke x