The Girl I Used to Be(46)
And then I remembered the envelope. The argument forgotten now, I sat at the table and opened my bag. I took out the padded envelope and looked at the label. It was neatly typed and addressed to me, and it reminded me then of the envelope that had arrived containing the photo. Suddenly I was scared. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to see what else this nutcase had sent me. But I had to. I had to know. He’d upped his game now, sending something to me at home.
My hands shook as I ripped it open. I kept hoping that it would be nothing.
When I saw what was inside, it took me a minute or two to comprehend it. It was a piece of black silk. Black silk with pink embroidered roses on it. I blinked hard. Those were my knickers. What the hell were they doing here?
There was a thud from upstairs and I leaped up from my seat. Was that Joe? I stood in the doorway, my heart pounding, then heard Rory give a little wail. I shoved the knickers into my dressing gown pocket and put the envelope back into my bag, then ran upstairs to my boy, who was wondering where I was.
THIRTY-FOUR
Thursday, August 10
THE NEXT DAY was pretty quiet. Joe seemed to find plenty of excuses to leave me alone with Rory, which suited me just fine. Rory was tired after his trip and was happy to potter around with me. We spent the morning doing some gardening and in the afternoon I took him swimming and to the park. Later we had a barbecue in the garden and invited one of his friends from nursery; they played on the lawn in a little tent, while I relaxed on the sun lounger. I felt this was as close as I was going to get to a summer holiday, and the jealousy I felt as Joe planned what he was going to do over the next few weeks with Rory was overwhelming. I felt a band tightening around my head at the thought of having this conversation with Joe again.
He hadn’t talked about going to Ireland again but had seemed pretty distant. Normally he’d be all over me after a trip away, but now he seemed cautious, as though he was tiptoeing around me. That wasn’t what I wanted, but it gave me an excuse not to confide in him about David. I didn’t know where I’d stand with that now. Ever since I’d found my underwear in the mail I’d found myself having trouble breathing whenever I thought of David.
That evening, after Rory’s friend had gone home, I was going from the garden into the house to get the bath ready for Rory, and as I walked into the hallway, I saw the shadow of someone through the colored-glass panels of the front door. The figure seemed to hesitate, and then slowly something was pushed through the door.
Without time for the thought to process, I’d collapsed onto the bottom stair. It was as though I were under water; all I could hear was the sound of my own blood thrumming through my veins. Black splodges appeared in front of my eyes and whatever I looked at seemed to be moving.
“Gemma? What is it?” Joe ran through the kitchen to the hallway where I sat. “Are you all right?”
I turned to look at him. It seemed to take hours. I couldn’t see his face properly; it was blurred. Out of focus.
“Put your head between your knees,” he said sharply. “Breathe in slowly. Come on, Gem, you can do this.” He crouched down beside me and put his hand on my shoulders.
I tried to focus, to breathe, but I had to see what had come through the door. If it was another envelope, I had to get hold of it before Joe saw it.
I pushed Joe away. “Give me some space.”
He moved back and I could see a brightly colored sheet of paper lying on the doormat. I felt weak with relief; it was just a pizza delivery leaflet.
Slowly my breathing returned to normal. Joe stood beside me, his face pale and concerned. “What is it, sweetheart? I haven’t seen you like that for years. Has this happened while I’ve been away?”
I looked up at him, feeling lonelier in that moment than I’ve ever felt. Who could help me?
“It’s okay,” I said, struggling to my feet. “I don’t know what happened. I felt a bit faint, that’s all.”
He helped me upstairs, then insisted I lie on our bed while he went back down to get Rory.
“I’ll sort his bath out,” he said. “Just lie there and try to relax. And I don’t think you should be going in to work tomorrow, either. Or not in the morning, at any rate. You need to rest. You’ve been working too hard, what with the office and cleaning the house.” He had the grace to look shamefaced at that. I knew I should have told him the truth; I knew he would normally find it funny, but I didn’t want to. I felt he was in the wrong, leaving the place a mess. If he felt guilty now, there was a chance he’d up his game a bit.
“I can’t stay off work tomorrow. Rachel’s got a couple of days off. She’s going with some friends to Amsterdam for a hen weekend and won’t be in until Monday afternoon. She’s been talking about it for months.” It showed how little Joe and I had talked lately that he didn’t know this.
“What about Lucy?”
I shook my head. “She can only do school hours. I need to be there to open and close if Rachel’s not there.”
“Couldn’t Brian do it?”
“It’s his day off tomorrow. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
He sat down on the bed next to me. “I’m worried about you, Gem.” He reached out to put his arm around me, but I flinched. I don’t know why, it was automatic, and the hurt on his face was plain to see. He went out of the room, closing our bedroom door tightly. I heard him in the family bathroom, calling Rory in to him.