The Girl I Used to Be(45)

“Shall we go downstairs?” he asked. “Watch some television?”

I groaned at the thought. “I’m going to stay up here, I think.”

“Good idea,” he said. “You look like you need a rest. You must have been working so hard, cleaning the whole house.”

We lay on the bed, his arm around me, and chatted about his trip to Ireland.

“So Brendan and Sarah are moving back there?”

“Yes, they’re planning to be there within the next few months. They’ll rent their house out over here, so they’ll keep their options open. He’s trying to persuade his boss to give him a leave of absence for a year, so they have the freedom to come back if they want.”

“Good idea. But what happens if one wants to stay and the other wants to leave?” I couldn’t see Sarah putting up with her in-laws getting as involved in their lives as they’d like to be. “Are they going to live near your mum and dad?”

He ignored the first question I’d asked. “Yes, they’re looking for houses now.”

My heart sank. I could tell from the longing in his voice that it was something he really wanted to do as well.

We were quiet then and I knew he wanted to talk about us going there. I wanted to sleep, but I knew that if I didn’t say something he’d be awake for ages thinking about it.

“You do know we couldn’t do that, don’t you?” I asked. “My job’s here. My business. I couldn’t just pack up and leave here and start again in another country.”

He squeezed me tight. “Nothing’s impossible, sweetheart.”

“Seriously, Joe. We couldn’t do it. I don’t know the first thing about the property market in Ireland.”

“Oh, you’d be fine,” he said. “Okay, so the laws are different, but essentially it’d be the same, wouldn’t it?”

“Do you have a time in mind?” I asked, my voice tight with irritation. “When would you like to go?”

He squeezed me tighter. I didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed my body was rigid. “I was thinking maybe the end of the year?”

“What? You want me to close down my business, arrange management for the rentals, sell this house, move to Ireland, buy another house, and set up another company in the next four months?”

“We wouldn’t have to do it all at once. We could get a manager in to do your job.”

“One manager?” I asked. “I’m at work every day of the week!”

“Perhaps two, then, job sharing. We could rent out this house, too. Brian would look after it. And there’s no rush with setting up over there. We could settle in and you could get used to the area.”

“But where would we live?”

“If we were renting this place out, we could rent somewhere over there,” he said. “Just take a short contract at first till we found somewhere we wanted to live.”

I was quiet. I hadn’t realized he’d thought this through and I wondered now whether he and his brother had cooked this up between them.

“Nothing’s impossible,” he said again. “You just have to want it enough.”

“But I don’t want it enough!” I shouted, unable to hold back any longer. “I don’t want it at all!”

“You’d see more of Sarah,” he said. “You like her.”

“And I wouldn’t see as much of Caitlin,” I said. “If I wanted to see more of Sarah, I would. It’s my own son I want to see more of.” I could hear my voice wobble now. “I need to spend time with him. I don’t want to be left behind while you take him on holiday.” I could feel Joe’s hostility; he was always like that when he felt guilty. “And I especially don’t want to have to clean up after you while you go on holiday.”

As I said this I knew there was no going back and I would never be able to admit to having the cleaning service. I felt so angry in that moment, it was as though I had scrubbed the house from top to toe.

We lay in silence. I was full of things I wanted to say, but I just didn’t feel that I could say them. I never had; I could only say what I wanted, what I needed, when we were fighting, and then afterward, when we’d made up, Joe would think the problem was resolved. I hated it; I hated being unable to assert myself. I lay there simmering, thinking of things I should have said to make him see my point of view, and then I realized his breathing had slowed down and that he was asleep.

I slid out of bed and took my dressing gown from its hook. At the door I paused. Joe didn’t move; his breathing didn’t alter. I pulled the door closed and went downstairs to get a glass of water.

Once Joe got hold of an idea, he found it hard to let it go. Obviously he’d guessed I wouldn’t want to go to Ireland to live, but if his brother and sister-in-law were going, then he must have thought he’d have a bigger chance of persuading me. It wasn’t Ireland that bothered me. It wasn’t as though I had an emotional connection to Chester. My friends now were mainly from university and were scattered all over the world. My mum and dad were still on the Wirral and I saw them every few weeks, but the flights to Ireland were cheap and they had just retired, so were young enough to travel.

It was work that was the problem. How could I set up a business over there? It was a completely different country! I felt a surge of anger at the thought of his suggestion. I knew, too, that I’d struggle to talk this through with him in the cold light of day.