The Girl I Used to Be(43)

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I TRIED TO sleep but couldn’t. The hotel bed was comfortable, the room was warm, and I felt safe there, but I lay in bed wondering what on earth I was going to do. I had to admit everything to Joe, I knew that. Part of me thought I should sell up, move to Ireland as Joe wanted, and leave all my problems behind. I could change all my e-mail addresses and contact numbers, go back to my maiden name, even, and just run away. And part of me really did think that was what I should do; it was the only thing I could do. But then I’d get furious, with David and with myself. Why should I do that? Why should I have to hide when I hadn’t done anything wrong? Even if I’d invited him back to my hotel room in London, even if I’d asked him to take those photos, there was still no reason for him to torment me like that.

And then just before eleven P.M. I thought again of the countdown gif. I opened the e-mail again and the timer was still ticking down. Seventy minutes to go now. Suddenly I was in a blind panic, wondering what would happen then. He would assume I was in my house, wouldn’t he? What was he planning?

I jumped out of bed and got dressed. If something was going to happen, I needed to know about it.



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I SPENT AN hour driving around my neighborhood. All was quiet; it always was late at night in that part of town. I didn’t know what I was looking for or what I’d do if I found it. I drove past my house and watched as the neighbors’ lights popped off for the night. The road was quiet; the only cars around were ones I recognized.

When it was nearly midnight I parked near my house and took out my phone. I opened the e-mail and clicked on the timer gif and watched as the digits clicked nearer to their goal. In another window I opened the voyeur site and clicked frantically on the Latest Pickings section. Just the name of that made me feel sick. That last minute to midnight seemed to last an hour; I held my breath as the figures changed. What was going to happen? I had visions of my phone ringing, of a photo appearing online, of seeing someone approach my house.

Nothing happened.

I sat and watched the street, my hand clutching my phone, feverishly refreshing the screen, reassuring myself that if someone went into my house I’d see them and if something appeared online I’d see it. Nothing stirred on the street and the screen remained full of strangers. At half past twelve, I started the car. There were some parked cars by the side of the road, but nobody sat in them. The street was empty, the alleyways were clear, but still I drove quietly up and down the street, my eyes straining to see if anyone was around.

Finally, exhausted, I headed back toward the hotel. The receptionist greeted me with a nod and asked if I had my key card. I nodded, unable to speak, and took the lift to my room, where I collapsed into bed, wondering what the hell that had been about.





THIRTY-TWO


Wednesday, August 9

I OVERSLEPT THE next morning and reached the office ten minutes after Rachel and Sophie, though as I’d given Rachel the spare key, they didn’t have to wait around outside. When I reached the office I felt Rachel’s eyes on me.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“You look tired. Are you okay?”

I said, “I’m fine,” but when I went into the cloakroom I grimaced when I saw what she meant. I always prided myself on looking groomed, but that day my skin was dry and patchy, its usual response to stress, and my makeup was all over the place. My eyes were red from lack of sleep and I quickly put on glasses to hide them. I locked myself in the cloakroom and spent a while tidying myself up, but I could still see everyone staring at me when I came out.

“We’ll have the meeting in five minutes, shall we?” asked Rachel, sorting out the files on her desk.

I looked up, startled. Even though I’d happily promoted her, it was odd to realize that responsibility for that task would no longer be solely mine. “Yes, just give me a couple of minutes.”

“It’s just that it’s now nine fifteen and I’ve a few things I need to get through,” she said. “I got here early so I’ve made a list of all the overnight inquiries.”

That put me in my place. I bit hard on my lip and tried to stop myself from making a sharp comment.

“Okay. Let’s start,” I said.

Rachel sat at the head of the table, just where I’d sat from the first day I opened the office seven years ago. I didn’t mind; I wanted to pass it all on, but it felt strange and I could tell that Sophie and Brian were uneasy. They kept glancing over at me as I sat in Rachel’s old seat, as though I was going to object, to oust her from her place.

I reached into my bag and pulled out my iPad, so that I could make a few notes on the meeting. When I switched it on, it opened at the voyeur site; I must have fallen asleep with it still open. Hastily I switched it off again, then picked up a pen and a notepad from the nearest desk. My face was hot with embarrassment. Had anyone seen the screen? I glanced up at the others. Sophie’s expression was as plain as daylight; all she was thinking about was whether to have a cake with her morning coffee. I looked at Brian—was he averting his eyes? Oh God, what if he thought I was looking at porn?

Then I realized Rachel was looking at me closely. She was the one I really hoped hadn’t seen my screen. She noticed everything; while that was great at work, I really, really didn’t want her to know my private business. I gave her a questioning look and she averted her eyes, then started the meeting.