The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(68)

Darla uncovered the display case with gusto, revealing a very thin piece of scrap metal.

“That’s a piece of aluminum foil,” Cash said.

“I see there’s a skeptic in our midst,” Darla said, and zeroed in on him. “If you think it’s a piece of foil, then answer me this: How could the Fitzpatricks get their hands on a piece of aluminum foil if there was an aluminum shortage in New Mexico during the late 1940s due to World War II?”

“Fuck the Fitzpatricks—you could have stuck that in there this morning for all we know,” Cash said. “You can still see some chicken grease on the corner of it.”

“You’d be surprised how similar chicken grease looks and smells to extraterrestrial DNA,” she said. “Trust me, I have my doctorate in Ufology from the William Shatner Online Institute. Now, please follow me to exhibit number two.”

Darla led the group to the opposite side of the store, where another square case was covered by a black cloth. She removed it at once and the others stared inside at a tray of oddly shaped pieces of metal.

“What are those?” Mo asked.

Darla looked around the room to make sure no one from the government was listening. “Those are alien implants found in abductees,” she whispered. “They’ve been removed from people from all over the world who have been experimented on by the tall grays, the short grays, the Nordic blonds, the mantis, and the Reptoids. As you can see, each alien species leaves a differently shaped object in their victims.”

“What do the implants do?” Sam said.

“No one knows,” Darla said. “The technology is so advanced we may never comprehend their purpose. Our best bet is that they’re some kind of tracking device—meaning the aliens could be listening to us right now!”

“Those look like metal pieces from old board games,” Cash said. “Wait—that’s exactly what they are. That one in the corner is the candlestick from Clue, and the one in the center is the dog from Monopoly.”

Darla shrugged. “I didn’t say all abductees are honest,” she said. “Some people will do anything for attention.”

“Just abductees?” Cash said, and glared at her. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re full of shit, too.”

The others were appalled by the actor’s rudeness.

“Cash,” Topher said.

“I’m sorry, but all of this is bullshit and anyone who believes this woman is an absolute moron,” the actor said.

“Dude, chill out,” Joey said. “We’re just here to have a good laugh. Don’t take this too seriously.”

“Sorry but I’m not laughing,” Cash said. “I don’t think it’s funny because people do take this stuff seriously—even when they’re told it’s completely fake, people believe in it anyway. Then, instead of facing the truth, they dedicate their whole lives to making it a reality and don’t give a fuck who it hurts in the process. Well, I deal with that enough already—I don’t need to go to an observation tower to see it. I’ll meet you guys outside.”

Cash stormed out of the observation tower and stomped down the spiral staircase. The others were stunned by the actor’s outburst. It was a complete and utter tantrum and they hadn’t seen anything quite like it come out of him before.

“We apologize for our friend,” Topher said. “He’s going through a lot right now. I’ll go talk to him.”

Darla put out a hand to block Topher from following Cash.

“Let me handle this,” she said confidently. “As part of my Ufology doctorate I was required to take several courses on counseling and crisis management. You guys enjoy the tower and I’ll have a word with your friend.”

Before the others could tell her it wasn’t a good idea, Darla Plemons hurried down the spiral staircase after the upset actor. Cash was smoking in the shade of a concrete pillar when she found him.

“That was quite the scene back there,” Darla said.

“Sorry, lady,” Cash said. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I’ve just had a really bad week.”

“You’re that actor from Wiz Kids, aren’t you?” she asked. “Cash Carter, if memory serves me correctly.”

“Let me guess, you watch The Panel or read Star Magazine?” he asked.

“No, I recognize you because we’ve met before,” she said. “You don’t remember me, do you?”

Cash shrugged. “Were we abducted together and I can’t recall it because the aliens wiped my memory?”

Darla crossed her arms and looked him up and down with a grin. Her voice became deeper, she stood a little taller, and her wacky demeanor melted away.

“No, I used to be an entertainment lawyer at Weinstock Harrison Krueger,” she said. “My name isn’t Darla Plemons, it’s Diane Feldgate. I helped negotiate your first Wiz Kids contract with Carl Weinstock. Does that ring a bell?”

Cash suddenly felt like he was having an out-of-body experience similar to an alien abduction. He recognized Diane from a meeting he had years ago, before Wiz Kids even started. Diane walked toward him with a much more confident stroll than she had inside and smelled his secondhand smoke like it was a bouquet of roses.

“Are those Marlboro Lights?” she asked. “Can I bum one off of you?”