The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(65)

“Of course I’m positive,” Sam said. “It’s not something someone says just for the hell of it—I’ve never once identified with being female. Every time I see myself in the mirror or in a photograph, I feel like I’m looking at someone else. I know I’m trans like I know we’re breaking several state laws by drinking on this roof.”

“Have you talked to anyone else about this?” Cash asked

“I went to a psychologist in Downers Grove,” Sam said. “He basically told me I was mentally ill. Other than him, you’re the only person I’ve ever told.”

“Well, it’s hard for some people to understand—”

“But it shouldn’t be!” Sam said. “I have the heart and mind of a man, and I want the rest to match—it’s that simple.”

“So you haven’t told your friends or family?” Cash asked.

“My mom probably thinks transgender means a rare tiger species,” he said. “When I was younger I was afraid to tell my friends because I was afraid of how they’d react. Now I know they’d accept me. I’m just afraid my honesty might hurt someone.”

“You’re preaching to the choir on that one,” Cash said. “I’m guessing you’re talking about Topher, huh?”

Sam glanced at him like the actor had read his mind. “How did you know that?”

“Please, that kid is easier to read than Dick and Jane,” Cash said. “I’ve seen how he glances at you in the car and across the table at lunch. It’s adorable and pathetic at the same time.”

“Well, that pendulum swings both ways,” Sam said.

“What?” Cash asked. “You mean, you’ve got the hots for Topher? Well, you certainly hide it better than he does.”

Sam nodded. “It was a recent discovery,” he explained. “I used to think I was hiding the truth from Topher to protect his feelings—I didn’t want him to get hurt when he realized the girl of his dreams was actually a guy. Now I realize I’ve been hiding the truth from myself to protect my feelings—I’m scared he isn’t going to like the real me or that he’ll be upset when he learns I’ve been lying to him. I’ll understand if our relationship doesn’t go beyond friendship, but I can’t think of anything worse than losing him completely.”

“Jesus,” Cash said. “There isn’t a Taylor Swift song to get you through that one.”

“Nope,” Sam said.

Cash poured another round of whiskey shots, and neither of them felt the burn in their throats this time.

“Forgive my ignorance, but is all of this going to change?” the actor asked. “Will you start liking girls after you transition?”

“No, gender identity and sexual orientation are completely different,” Sam explained. “Most people don’t understand that it’s a separate issue and different for every trans person. There are a number of ways someone can transition, but it rarely changes their sexual orientation.”

“Really?” Cash said. “I didn’t know there were options.”

“Of course,” Sam said. “Some trans people are gender fluid and switch from female to male over time. Some are genderqueer and may relate to neither or form a combination of the two. Others are transsexual and emotionally and psychologically relate to the opposite sex, like me. You can change a body, but you can’t change a soul. The heart wants what it wants.”

“Wow,” Cash said. “That’s incredible.”

“Oh come on, it’s not like we’re magical creatures,” Sam said.

“No, I meant you’re incredible,” Cash said. “Most people spend their twenties and thirties finding themselves, but you know exactly who you are before college. It’s really inspiring.”

Sam had spent so much time focusing on his disadvantages that he never realized there might be an advantage hidden among them.

“Thanks, I guess,” he said. “I’ve never thought of it like that, though. It’s a tough world to find yourself in, but an even tougher one to be yourself in.”

“The world’s never been a great place, but that shouldn’t stop you from being your greatest self,” Cash said. “It’s not going to be easy, but is anything worse than living life as someone else? Look at me. I’ve pissed off every prepubescent science fiction nerd in the world by being myself, but I wouldn’t take it back. You might be scared now, but you’ve got to imagine how good you’ll feel once you cross the finish line. Let that encourage you, not your fears.”

Sam agreed and tried to put on a brave face, but it was the first time he’d ever felt like someone was actually listening, instead of diagnosing. A couple more tears spilled down his face and Cash wiped them with his sleeve. Sam couldn’t believe he was still talking to the same man they had met on Sunday.

“Where did all this insightful knowledge come from?” Sam asked. “Where was this guy while the other Cash was getting us stoned and giving us fake IDs?”

Cash laughed. “A lot of knowledge comes with transitioning, and you aren’t the only one going through that,” he said. “I’m turning into a big old has-been, remember?”

Sam smiled for the first time that night. The actor poured them one final round of whiskey shots before they headed back to the Teepee Inn. Cash held up his Dixie cup to toast him.