The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(57)
The actor was much more rattled than Joey predicted. He must have known the danger he had put them in because his hands were trembling as he smoked.
“I know, I know,” he said. “I’m so sorry—I don’t know what got into me back there. We walked in and as soon as he said what he did something snapped inside me. It was like I lost control of myself—I just couldn’t let him get away with saying that shit to you. I never get a chance to stand up for myself, but I needed to stand up for someone, you know?”
It made more sense the longer Joey thought about it; he just wished Cash wouldn’t risk his safety to work out his issues.
“I get needing to be a hero—just don’t be a dumb ass about it,” Joey said. “It could have gotten really nasty back there. With that said, it was pretty cool seeing the look on that guy’s face when you told him off.”
“Yeah,” Cash agreed. “It felt good saying it, too. Let’s keep this between us, though. It might give Mo an aneurysm.”
Chapter Fifteen
THE DRIVER’S SEAT
By ten o’clock on Wednesday morning, the station wagon was refueled and reunited with highway 83. The car cruised southbound with its sights set on Amarillo, Texas—but whether or not they’d make it this time was anyone’s guess. With Topher back behind the wheel, the roadies were making good time and were expected to arrive at two o’clock that afternoon. Cash kept the group entertained with stories from behind the scenes at awards shows—not that they asked.
“So while the Golden Globe for Best Original Song was being announced, Tobey and I went to use the restroom,” Cash said. “And that’s when we saw him—Leonardo DiCaprio at a urinal! All the dudes in the men’s room couldn’t believe their eyes. It was like we had caught a demigod committing a mortal act.”
“Did you say anything to him?” Sam asked.
“No, Tobey and I were both paralyzed in his presence,” Cash said. “Then, when Leo was finished, everyone sort of lined the hall and bowed as he left—like he was royalty. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I also remember he used the only eco-friendly toilet in the restroom, but I could be making that detail up.”
“Did he recognize you?” Joey asked.
“Of course not!” Cash said. “When you’re a television star walking among movie stars, it’s like being a freshman at a senior prom; you can’t expect anyone to recognize you. This one time, after the Katzenberg Night Before the Oscars party in 2013, I was standing outside and Helen Mirren mistook me for a valet.”
“What did you do?” Mo asked.
“I took the ticket and brought her the fucking car—that’s what I did!” Cash said. “I mean, anyone should be so lucky. She tipped me twenty bucks. I’ve got it framed in my house next to my Teen Choice Award.”
As the car crossed the Texas state line, Cash became more and more animated about the stories he told. He spoke with much larger gestures, kept getting louder and louder, and rocked back and forth as he recalled the events. His behavior made the others nervous—it reminded everyone of how he’d acted the night of Rosemary’s Abortion.
“Let me give you some tips in case you ever find yourself on a red carpet,” the actor said. “Always start with a small smile, because your expression grows the longer you hold it, and you don’t want to look like Pennywise the clown in the premiere photos of Frozen. Nothing is creepier than an adult who’s super excited to be at a children’s movie. Flex the muscles under your tongue and stretch your neck to avoid a double chin, make sure to exhale so you’re photographed at your slimmest, and for God’s sake, find something natural to do with your hands.”
“Thanks for the advice.” Topher laughed. “I can’t imagine we’ll be needing it anytime soon—”
“I’m not finished,” Cash said. “Don’t try to look sexy—because it doesn’t work when you try. Instead, just think of the punch line of your favorite dirty joke—that’ll translate better. And if you ever find yourself in front of photographers you weren’t expecting, like paparazzi, go into the bathroom and blot your face with one of those paper toilet seat covers. It’s gross, but it’ll take the shine off, and if you’re shiny under bright flashes, you’ll look drunk. And if you are drunk, never look directly at the camera—you’ll look more candid and less sloppy that way.”
“You’ve really got it down to a science,” Joey said.
“Can we talk about something else?” Mo asked.
“Yeah—I think we get it,” Sam said.
Despite their requests, Cash wouldn’t change the topic. He was like an old man recalling the era he grew up in.
“Also, always be cautious around reporters on red carpets. You have to triple-think every answer you give like you’re running for president. They’ll take whatever you say and run with it as far as they possibly can. If you casually mention how hot it is outside, they’ll post a story with the headline Actor Breaks Silence About Global Warming Views. If you say you like Batman, they’ll write Shocking Revelation: What Cash Carter Has to Say About the DC Universe. If you imply you like potato chips, they’ll write Wiz Kid Speaks Out About Americans’ Addiction to Processed Foods. And the worst part is reporters never mention the questions they asked—they act like you just randomly decided to declare something to the world—STOP THE CAR!”