The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(46)

“Agoraphobia?”

“It’s the fear of leaving your house,” Cash said. “Remember the Christmas episode in season five? The one that implied the Virgin Mary was an alien abductee and Jesus Christ was an extraterrestrial/human hybrid?”

“Of course,” Joey said. “People were not happy about that—my parents almost forbid me to watch the show.”

“It was the worst backlash Wiz Kids had ever received,” Cash said. “And even though I didn’t write it, since I was the face of the show, people took their anger out on me. I got death threats from five different radical religious groups.”

“What?”

Joey assumed it was another one of Cash’s exaggerated stories, but he was being dead serious.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “They threated to shoot me, to mail me poison, to put a bomb in my car—you name it! For a good year, I was terrified to leave my house. The only other places I went were the studio to shoot the show and WizCon to promote it.”

“What did you do? How did you get over it?” Joey said.

“One day I woke up and decided I had had enough,” Cash explained. “I realized it didn’t matter what might happen to me outside, because the damage was already done. Those maniacs had already taken my life away by making me live in fear; it just took me a while to recognize it. So I finally built up the courage to step outside, and you want to know what I learned?”

“What?”

Cash smiled serenely. “I learned why they call it fresh air,” he said. “And one day, you will, too.”

Joey was stunned, not so much by the story, but that so much insight had come out of the man who passed out at a Rosemary’s Abortion concert.

“Wow, none of us had any idea you went through something like that,” he said. “That must have taken a lot of courage.”

“It took strength I didn’t even know I had,” Cash said. “Also, the police traced all the death threats back to a forty-seven-year-old loser living in his mother’s basement. That helped, too.”

Joey shook his head and gave the actor a dirty look—he had almost fallen for it. There was definitely a thin line between a storyteller and a bullshitter, and it was becoming clearer and clearer which side of the line Cash was on.

“What are you even doing here, anyway?” Joey asked.

“I’m meeting up with someone, too, and there aren’t many places to choose from on a Monday night in Oklahoma City,” Cash said.

“Who are you meeting?”

“You’re not the only one who uses the Internet to hook up,” Cash said. “Now scram before you scare my strange away like you did yours. There’s not enough cold water at the hotel for both of us.”

Joey left Sinners and Saints and headed back to the Vacation Suites down the street. He didn’t get the physical release he was hoping for, but after a night of honesty, it was much easier to breathe. He didn’t want to give Cash any credit, but maybe there was some truth to his bullshit after all.





Chapter Thirteen

HIGH TIMES AT HIGH TYDES

At nine o’clock on Tuesday morning, the Downers Grove gang of four gathered around the door of room 406 at the Oklahoma City Vacation Suites. They were ready to depart for the next destination and hoped the fifth passenger would be joining them this time around.

“Are we positive Cash made it to his room?” Mo asked.

“I saw him on my way in last night,” Joey said, stretching the truth. “He’s definitely in the city, but I can’t guarantee he’s in his room.”

“How’d he look?” Sam asked.

“Pretty good for someone hungover and in the middle of a scandal,” Joey said.

Topher lightly knocked on the door and prayed today’s wake-up call would be easier than the previous morning’s. To their surprise, Cash answered the door almost immediately. He was completely naked expect for a bath towel wrapped around his waist. Topher shrieked and covered his eyes while the others stared in awe at the actor’s unexpectedly toned physique.

“Good morning,” Cash said happily. “Is it time to leave?”

“Morning!” Topher said awkwardly. “Glad you found your room last night. We were just about to head out. Do you need a few minutes?”

“A couple seconds, actually,” Cash said. “I didn’t exactly get a chance to unpack.”

The actor moved through the room searching for his clothes. They were scattered across the floor like he had undressed in a hurry. He found his pants under the table, his shirt was over the lampshade, and his underwear was hanging from the handle of the minibar. Cash also found a red bra and a cheetah-print thong among his things, which confused the hell out of the others.

“Are you leaving already?” said a sleepy second voice in the room.

Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo leaned into the doorway and saw a naked woman lying in the bed. They were as surprised to see her as she was to see four teenage strangers. The woman screamed and covered herself with the sheets.

“Sorry!” Topher said on behalf of his friends. “We didn’t realize you had company!”

“Oh yeah, guys this is…” Cash paused as he made the introduction. “What was your name again?”