The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(40)

Cash quickly slammed the door and Topher heard him vomiting behind it. The situation clearly wasn’t up for discussion, so Topher returned to his friends in the car.

“Well?” Joey asked from the driver’s seat. “Where is he?”

“The dude’s hungover as fuck,” Topher informed them. “He wants us to go on without him and meet us in Oklahoma City later tonight.”

“What?” Mo said. “That’s insane! Why don’t we just leave the forest early and come back for him?”

“It wasn’t exactly up for debate,” Topher said. “He’s in really bad shape.”

Joey shook his head. “Low blood sugar my ass,” he said. “That’s what he gets for mixing medication with alcohol. And it’s probably why he’s developing a bad reputation in Hollywood—he’s got to be more careful.”

“Hopefully last night will be a wake-up call for him, then,” Sam said. “How’s your shoulder, Topher? Any better?”

“It feels like I’ve been drawn and quartered, but I’ll be okay to hike today,” Topher said. “I gotta say, passing-out incident aside, I had a lot of fun last night.”

Everyone in the car smiled, completely in agreement.

“Oh my God, soooo much fun!” Mo said. “Definitely in my top ten favorite nights of all time—who am I kidding, top five. I know I had issues at first, but having Cash around might be kind of nice.”

“It was a blast!” Sam said. “I haven’t danced like that since I was a kid, and even then it wasn’t as fun.”

“Who knew Sam could move like that?” Joey said. “And who knew Topher could move at all?”

They laughed at him and playfully pushed his good shoulder.

“It was special,” Topher said, then glanced at Sam when he wasn’t looking. “Really special.”

With Joey at the wheel, the station wagon left the enormous statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox behind and ventured farther into Missouri. At the four hundred and thirtieth mile of their journey, they arrived at the Mark Twain National Forest. The gang changed into comfortable shoes and selected a hiking trail from the options on a large map posted at the ranger’s station.

The sights and sounds of the forest were beautiful, the smells were transcendent, but all anyone could think about was the night before. They relived every moment of their night with Rosemary’s Abortion, from sneaking past the bouncer to cutting loose on the dance floor, and even picking Cash up off the dance floor. It had been a day of frustrations but a night of firsts, and they would cherish it forever.

None of them had cell service as they hiked through the forest, which was a good exercise for a group of millennials. They enjoyed spending a few hours disconnected from the rest of the world—or at least that’s what they said while checking for service every hundred feet. Only when their trail wound downhill to a small stream did the first bars of reception appear. Suddenly, everyone’s phones started going off like winning slot machines.

“That doesn’t sound good,” Sam said. “I hope something bad didn’t happen.”

They checked their phones and found that their in-boxes were filled with hundreds of Google Alerts. Mo read the subject of the first one and screamed.

“Someone posted a video of Cash passing out in the warehouse last night!” Mo said. “It’s all over the Internet! All the Wizzers are freaking out!”

“Oh my God, it’s everywhere!” Topher said. “Television Actor Blacks Out in St. Louis—headline from CNN!”

“Wiz Kid ‘Wizzes’ Out of Control—Yahoo! News,” Sam read.

“Meet Me in St. Louis, Floor Says to Cash Carter—TMZ!” Joey read.

“Liberal Goes Down in Red State—Fox News!” Mo read. “It’s also on WizzerNet and the Wiz Kids forum page!”

“Guys, I have the video loaded on my phone!” Sam said. “It’s got over ten million views and we’re all in it!”

Topher, Joey, and Mo huddled around Sam’s phone and he pressed Play. They’d never have to relive the experience in their memories again because the whole night had been immortalized by a shaky iPhone. Everything from Cash dancing like a madman to fainting and being carried off was on YouTube for the whole world to see.

“This is horrible!” Topher said.

“A disaster!” Joey said.

“I can’t believe we didn’t see anyone recording us!” Sam said.

“I’m so glad I was wearing a cute outfit,” Mo said. “Look at the video recommendations—Kylie Trig has already uploaded a video about it!”

Sam clicked on it and the video loaded on his phone. After a thirty-second commercial for a lip gloss called PornStar, and Kylie’s obnoxious theme song, the video finally played.

“The president has to do something about Cash Carter,” Kylie said right off the bat. “Look, we all know fame and success change people. Other fandoms have survived the personality changes, the bad decisions, and the scandals of their show’s star—and I know we’ll get through this, too. But Cash Carter, what da fuck is going on with you, boy? I know you’ve been going through a phase lately, but I never expected to wake up to this!”

Kylie played the footage from the warehouse in the corner of her video. The distressed YouTube host rubbed the sides of her temples as she watched.