The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue (Guide #1)(37)

Cash presented the IDs like a winning poker hand, but the idea of using fake identification mortified his friends.

“We left you alone for barely an hour! How did you have time to get concert tickets and fake IDs?” Mo asked.

“The prop guy from Wiz Kids is from St. Louis and passed along a contact,” Cash said, and handed them out. “Tonight you get to leave your square Downers Grove personas behind you. Topher will be Boris, Joey will be Hemi, Sam will be Katarina, and Mo will be Sue Yong. See, nothing to worry about!”

“Nothing to worry about?” Sam disagreed. “Cash, this is super illegal! You could have been arrested for this! And how would we have bailed you out?”

The actor grunted. “Puh-lease, if I had a nickel for every time I could have gotten arrested, the bail would pay itself. If you’re worried about getting caught, don’t be. These IDs are premium stuff—they’re duplicates from the St. Louis DMV. Cost me a grand each. The guy had a case with hundreds of them and I picked the ones that resembled you guys the most.”

“As if!” Mo objected. “This girl could be a sumo wrestler! And Sue Yong isn’t even a Japanese name!”

“Look, we appreciate you going to all the trouble, but this is just too much for us,” Topher said. “Besides, we have our hearts set on watching the sunset from the Gateway Arch. We don’t want to miss that for a concert.”

Cash was thoroughly disappointed. They tried to give him the IDs back but he wouldn’t accept them.

“You four are the worst teenagers in the world,” he said. “I’ve got news for you—the sun and the Gateway Arch aren’t going anywhere, but your youth is passing you by like a taxi in a bad neighborhood. Using fake IDs and sneaking into concerts is what being young is all about. Let yourselves have a little fun while you still can!”

Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo collectively sighed. The potential consequences made them nervous but they were tempted by the idea of having a little fun.

“I suppose misbehaving just once wouldn’t be so bad,” Sam said.

“And we did want to make memories on this trip,” Joey said.

“Strategically speaking, the odds are in our favor,” Topher said. “I imagine the likelihood of getting caught the first time we break the rules is a very low percentage.”

“Okay, I’m in,” Mo decided. “But if we get caught, I’m telling the police you forced us at gunpoint.”

Cash rubbed his hands together eagerly. “It’s a deal,” he said. “Now let’s get out of here—I swear Sacagawea just winked at me.”

The five thrill seekers left the museum with so much anxiety it was as if they had just planned to rob a bank. They loaded into the station wagon and Cash guided Topher to the concert venue across the city. The location was much farther than he had first advertised and in a very questionable part of town. All the buildings had thick bars over the windows and murals of graffiti, and shoes hung from every power line.

“There it is!” Cash said as they drove past the venue.

He pointed to a large warehouse with a banner that said ROSEMARY’S ABORTION—ONE NIGHT ONLY in a ransom-style font. A long line was already formed at the door. The concertgoers wore leather, spiked collars, and chains, and were covered in piercings and tattoos.

Joey gulped. “It’s an interesting crowd,” he said.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll get recognized in there?” Sam asked Cash.

“Nah,” he said. “They don’t look like people who’d watch a show about a time-traveling port-a-potty. I should be okay.”

“They remind me of those aliens from that Wiz Kids episode in season seven,” Mo said. “Remember? When the port-a-potty traveled to planet Dominaxitron?”

“Boy do I,” Cash recalled. “That was the first episode I took my shirt off. I lived on yams and sit-ups for three weeks leading up to filming it. To this day, I can’t smell sweet potato fries without it triggering extreme phantom abdominal pains. Quick, that guy’s leaving! Take his spot!”

Topher parked the car a few blocks from the warehouse. The 1994 station wagon was the nicest car on the street and the passengers were afraid to get out. Cash ate a couple gummy bears from his backpack before leading the way, but didn’t offer any to the others.

“Come on,” he teased them. “Don’t chicken out now. We’re almost there.”

They courageously left the car and joined the line outside the warehouse. They were obviously out of their element, but not as much as an old man walking past the line. He seemed very confused by the event and held a sign behind his back.

“Thank goodness,” Topher said, and pointed him out to his friends. “Someone who looks more misplaced than we do.”

Joey’s face fell flat when he saw him, like he recognized someone he didn’t like.

“He’s not here for the concert,” he said. “Excuse me, sir? There aren’t actual abortions going on here. It’s just an ironic band name.”

“Is this Fourteenth Street?” the man asked.

“No, I believe it’s Fourth.”

“Oh, thanks!” he said. “Enjoy the show. God bless.”

The old man turned to leave and they saw that his sign read ABORTION KILLS! JESUS SAVES!