The Contradiction of Solitude(68)

The coal black eyes.

The star on the arm that hung out the window.

My sister running away. Running to him.

I was a mess of contradictions. I wanted Layna.

I loathed Layna.

I loved Layna.

I’d die.

I’d die for her.

Because of her.

Without her.

I.

Was.

Lost.

I pulled into the parking lot of the Best Western. We rented a room. I didn’t see anything. My eyes focused only on…

Layna.

“I think I want to get a shower.” She sounded so tired. Her body slumped. Touch her.

Feel her.

Please…

But I didn’t. I kept my distance. Now that we were here. To see her father.

To see the devil.

“Okay,” I replied. I heard the water turn on. The light was gone. The sun had set and the dark had settled in. Like a familiar stranger. Comfortable. Edgy.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart leapt.

It had been so long since I had heard from her. Since I had gotten her call. I still waited for the texts every single night.

I tried not to scream when they didn’t come.

I pulled my phone out and grinned like a fool.

It was her.

Love, pure and genuine, all consuming. Lightness and immensity. In the center of my chest.

I didn’t answer.

Not since that one time.

I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice.

After so long.

It rang. And it rang. It stopped. Then it rang. And it rang. And it rang.

Then it stopped.

Finally my screen lit up with a text.

Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.

I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. Too tight. Couldn’t breathe.

The relief was overwhelming. The despair was debilitating.

“Did you get a text?” Layna asked, startling me. I hadn’t heard her come out of the bathroom.

I didn’t look at her. She’d distract me. I stared down at the message on my phone, not wanting to sever the connection. For just a few more minutes.

“Who is it?” she asked. Her soft voice too loud.

Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.

I wouldn’t. I made her a silent promise.

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and finally looked at Layna. My heart still in my hands. Ready to throw it at her.

“How was the shower?” I asked. Avoiding. Evading.

Layna stared at me a while longer. Seeing too much. Not enough. She was perfect. So perfect.

“I feel better. Maybe you should get one. It might clear the cobwebs,” she suggested.

I laughed. Weak. Ineffectual.

“Are you saying I have cobwebs that need to be cleared?” I teased. So fake. So, so fake.

“Don’t we all?” Layna asked, opening her suitcase to pull out some clothes. I watched her as she dropped the towel and dressed.

My eyes traveled the length of her. Always hungry. Always desperate.

It was exhausting.

The way I loved her.

“It’s a clear night,” I observed, turning my face away. Feeling hot. Bothered. Wanting to be inside her. All. The. Time.

Layna didn’t say anything. I could see her in the reflection of the sliding doors. Distant. But there.

My phone vibrated in my pocket again. I was surprised by her tenacity. She never called after sending the text.

Why was she calling?

Did she know?

Where I was?

When Layna was finally dressed she came to stand beside me. Her hand on my back. Over my star.

Over the star just like the one on her hip.

The star that bound us together.

With our demons.

I shivered at her touch. Not burning. But freezing. From the inside out.

Tomorrow was the day.

But tonight was about other things.

“I think I need some air,” I said, pulling at the collar of my shirt. Feeling strangled.

Too tight.

“Okay.” She breathed. In and out.

We stepped out onto the balcony. The air was crisp and cool. Autumn was coming. Where would we be when the leaves died?

“Look up,” Layna instructed, sounding strangely hard.

I did as she told me to. All I saw were stars. Lots and lots of stars. I frowned, not sure why they would make her sound like that.

As though she were angry.

Disgusted.

In awe.

Contradiction.

“Imagine that all the stars are people. What stories would they tell?” she asked, smiling wide. Smiling high. To reach the moon.

“Imagine the stars are people?” I asked. Confused.

What was she talking about? I had the feeling I was missing something. Something important. Something for her, and her alone.

Then she was frowning. No longer smiling. Looking defeated. Upset.

Then…blank.

“Did you bring your pills, Elian?” she asked. The pills. She had asked me about them several times now.

What pills?

Those pills, Elian…

The voice drifted in from all sides. Into my ears. Willing me to remember.

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Yes you do, Elian. Think. Think about what you’re taking them for. Tell me. I want to know. I don’t like you keeping secrets from me,” Layna scolded and I almost snorted.