The Contradiction of Solitude(64)

I was going to see my father.

After all these years I was allowing myself to see the one person I was terrified could devastate what was left of me.

But it was necessary. As all painful things truly are.

And I was dragging Elian behind me into the pits of my own personal hell.

Guilt.

I felt it sharply, between my ribs. I gasped. The pain intense.

“I want to spend the day with you,” I murmured against his closed eyelids. Naked and curled onto his side. Trying to shield himself from things he couldn’t see.

He drifted in and out of consciousness as though being awake were too much for him to handle.

Seeing him—depleted—left me feeling…lonely.

I had time for plans and futures later.

Today I could give him something better.

Something good.

“Elian,” I called his name, lips pressed to skin.

He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. Looking at the ceiling his face didn’t register anything I said.

“Elian,” I said again. Reaching for him. Grabbing on. Not letting go.

“I’m with you,” he finally said, and there was just a hint of a smile. A ghost I hadn’t seen in a while.

I took it as a positive sign and unwrapped myself from his blankets. I could pretend just as well as he ever could.

And today, I would pretend for him.

“Swim with me.”

I would beg. I would plead. I would drag him out to the quarry if I had to.

Just to give him this one day…

“It’s dangerous. People have died in there.” He was monotone. Unfeeling. But the smile was still there. Tickling his lips.

“Then stay close to me so I don’t drown,” I coaxed. I flirted. I gave him the smile that he always loved to see.

The tease he found irresistible.

I kissed his chest. I kissed his throbbing, throbbing neck. My tongue touching, just quite, each of his perfect, perfect scars.

“Okay,” he gasped as I pushed my body against his.

Inevitable.

Elian grabbed two towels and we walked, without any clothes on, out to the lonesome beach. The sky was clear. The sun was bright. The water was so, so still.

It was silent.

The solitude pressed in around us.

Peaceful.

Terrifying.

“I don’t know about this, Layna.” Elian seemed worried.

I kissed his frowning mouth and felt incredibly light. Relaxed. Floating high, I’d touch the clouds.

“I know,” I told him. “Come on.”

I held his hand as we walked to the edge of the water. My toes submerged first and it was cold. Freezing.

My heart rejoiced as my skin recoiled.

Too cold.

Just right.

“No way!” Elian yelled as the water ran over his feet. He hopped up and down and I laughed.

I laughed and laughed.

My empty, empty heart leapt.

Elian chuckled and the sounds we made twined together and carried away across the quarry.

“It’s not that cold,” I chided.

“Either you’re full of shit or you have no sense of temperature.” Elian slowly walked into the water, his hands holding mine tightly. Cutting off circulation. Refusing to ever let me go.

We waded in to our knees. My toes and feet had gone numb. Numb as the rest of me.

I could barely feel the silt beneath. A pebble dug into my heel. It hurt. But I didn’t care. I would give this to Elian. Just for today. For this moment.

Joy.

Elian tugged on my arm and I fell forward. The frigid water sucking the air out of my lungs.

“Layna, I’m sorry!” Elian snickered. Not meaning it. Only laughing and laughing.

I didn’t get up. I let my body acclimate to the temperature. My heartbeat slowed and my fingers pruned. Something brushed against my back but I didn’t startle.

“No, you’re not,” I smirked and ducked my head beneath the water. I kicked away from the shore and swam out. Into the deep, fathomless quarry.

“Layna! Don’t go out too far!” Elian yelled, but I didn’t listen. I swam away.

I didn’t listen. I was never one to heed the danger.

I swam and swam. I could hear Elian shouting but I didn’t hear him. I was too far away from the shore.

Cold, slithery things touched my feet. Slid past my legs. My entire body was numb and I couldn’t feel my legs and arms.

It was deep. Too deep. I couldn’t see anything beneath the surface. I felt sluggish. Heavy.

And then I started to sink.

Deep.

Deep.

Down.

Light couldn’t penetrate the surface. The water was murky and dark. I couldn’t see anything.

I held my arms out as I sank. Eyes wide open.

Falling.

Falling.

“Hold your arms out, Lay. I’ll make you fly.”

I wasn’t flying. I was dying.

My lungs were on fire. My body so, so cold.

I felt a moment of panic and I started kicking my legs. But something was wrapped around my ankle. I couldn’t break free.

It felt like fingers, digging into my skin. Not letting go.

Keeping me here.

Keeping me safe.

I tried to see through the inky darkness. There was no sun. No light. I was alone.

Or was I?