The Contradiction of Solitude(70)
Once and for all.
“I’m going to run out to get us some breakfast. Anything you in the mood for?” Elian asked, his fingers running up and down naked skin. Breasts. Legs. Lips. Eyes.
“Whatever you want,” I rasped. Wanting to feel what he felt.
Wishing it was there to erase all of this.
“Okay.” Kisses. Nose. Mouth. Forehead.
“How are you doing?” he asked, always concerned. Always worried about me.
I shrugged. Quiet. In my heart.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. Truthfully. Honestly.
We held each other. Cheek to cheek.
Was it enough?
Was it enough?
Then he left, and I was alone with my memories.
Old and new.
A beast that raged.
“I told you to wait in the car, Layna.”
I opened my mouth. A scream caught in my throat.
Was I scared?
No.
Was I disgusted?
Maybe.
Was I enthralled?
Good god, yes.
I dialed my brother’s number and waited for him to answer. When he finally did, there were no formal greetings. There never were. There never would be.
“You’re there,” he stated. Didn’t ask.
“Yes. I’m here,” I replied. Ashamed. So ashamed. But…eager?
“You being there is a big mistake, Lay. I feel it,” Matt exclaimed, loud in my ears.
“I don’t know.”
I was crying.
Tears dripped down my face.
Like blood.
Staining my skin, soaking my shirt.
Tears.
Like blood.
“I brought him with me,” I admitted.
“You’re man?” Matt asked.
“Yes. Elian.” It was the first time I had told Matt his name. I shared Elian with my brother. He needed to hear all of it.
“What does he think about it?”
“Elian knows him,” I whispered.
Matt was silent for a long time. “How does he know him, Lay?”
I took a deep breath. Spilling out all my lies.
“His sister—”
“Oh god, Layna! Did you know? Did you know?”
Sweat broke out on the back of my neck. My hands felt clammy. I watched the door for Elian. Wanting him to come back.
I needed him.
“Of course I did,” I admitted. The truth. That’s all I had. So I gave it away. To the person I hoped wouldn’t judge me for it.
“What are you doing, Layna?”
“I don’t know.”
Silence.
Solitude.
I hated it.
I loved it.
Contradiction.
“You should leave. Go back to wherever it is you call home now. Forget about him. Let it go. Please,” Matt begged. He pleaded. He appealed to my empty, empty heart.
“I’m him, Matty,” I murmured.
Silence.
Solitude.
I loved it.
I hated it.
“You are not!” my brother seethed. Knowing exactly what I was thinking. What I was feeling. He felt it too. Sometimes.
Not all the time like I did.
“Go home,” Matt tried one last time.
“I plan to.”
Elian came back with bagels and fruit from the continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was in knots.
My conversation with my brother still rang in my ears.
“Do you love him?”
I wasn’t sure who Matt was referring to.
“Elian. The man you have there with you. Do you love him?”
Do I love him?
“I love him in the only way that I can, Matty,” I told him, meaning it.
“I don’t know what that means, Lay. Why don’t I know what that means?”
“Some things were always just for me. You know that.”
“He always loved you best. But his love was the worst thing he ever gave you.”
Matt spoke with sincerity and I believed him. I agreed with him.
“Go home, Layna. Back to where you and Elian can have a life.”
“Can we have a life? With everything that I am?”
Matt sighed, and I could feel his frustration. With me. With what our father had left us with. For the blood that ran through both of our veins.
“It’s because of everything that you are that I know you can have it all.”
“You’re not dressed,” Elian noted, taking in my still naked body. I didn’t cover myself. There was no point.
Elian saw everything.
Everything I wanted him to see.
“I will,” I said, taking the bagel he handed me.
“If you don’t want to go, we can always head back,” Elian offered. I knew he was hoping I’d take him up on it. That we could get in his car and turn around. Head back the way we had come. Towards Brecken Forest and the dishonesty we built there.
A life built on lies was the only life we would ever have.
“No, I need to do this.” I broke off a piece of bagel and put it in my mouth. Not chewing. I swallowed it whole. Almost choking on it.
“Are you sure? We can—”
“Stop it, Elian. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” I was sharp as a knife. Cutting skin. Wanting him to stop.