The Contradiction of Solitude(24)

Always.

Gravel under tires. Shadowed lanes covered by trees. The moon was gone. The stars had disappeared.

Alone.

“Stay here, Layna.”

“Ma’am, do you know where I can find the new Stephen King book?”

I wasn’t there. I was here.

I pointed towards the stairs. The older woman looked at me and I knew what she was thinking.

She’s crazy. What is wrong with her?

It wasn’t anything I didn’t already think about myself.

The woman tutted under her breath but left, following my less than clear directions. I bent down and picked up the book I had dropped. My hollow center felt uncomfortably full.

With thoughts I wished would go away.

There were few things in my life that I truly needed. I made sure of that.

But I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed the number of the one thing that I would always need. I couldn’t cut the string tying us together. The link was forever. Too strong.

The phone rang and rang, finally going to voicemail. The message that played in my ear was enough to settle me down.

It was enough to hold me together.

For now.

“Layna, are you still up here? It doesn’t take that long to shelve a stack of books,” Diana laughed, with just enough bite to let me know she was somewhat serious.

“Sorry, I got distracted,” I excused, grabbing the first book I could reach. Diana cocked an eyebrow and looked at the cover.

“Strange reading choice for a woman without children, don’t you think?”

I balked, I couldn’t help it. I looked down at the book I had inadvertently chosen and could have laughed at the irony. Raising moral children. Teaching what we learn.

“Uh, no, the title just caught my attention.” I hastily put it back. Diana regarded me with an amused expression. I knew that Diana didn’t really like me, but she had no real reason to fire me. I was a competent employee. I took any and all shifts she offered. I worked hard and then went home. I was quiet and kept to myself.

And if I didn’t embark on temporary friendships with my boss and co-workers the way the others did, that was their issue, not mine.

I put Diana on edge. I had noticed her watching me warily. In all my efforts to blend in over the years, there were times I just couldn’t help but stick out.

Because I wasn’t ordinary.

I had lost the ability to converse and laugh and be. I didn’t know how to answer questions about what I watched on television last night or what movie I wanted to see. Things that were so important to everyone else, barely registered in the realm of my priorities.

I didn’t care about any of that.

So that made me hard to read…hard to get to know. Hard to talk to.

It didn’t matter. Diana recognized the distance I maintained and disliked me for it.

Some people were like that.

Hating without reason.

I could understand her revulsion. It’s the same I felt for her normalcy.

“I was wondering whether you could stay until close tonight. Troy has to leave early,” Diane asked, clearly assuming I’d agree. I always had before. I was dependable. I made sure of it.

But once in a while, joy could be taken in the unpredictable.

“I can’t tonight,” I replied softly, running fingers along the spines of the books, delighting in the rough, rigid texture.

“You can’t?” Diana asked, surprised. She watched my hands dancing along the books, her bushy eyebrows pulled together.

“I can’t,” I repeated, not expanding. Not offering anything else.

Tonight was different.

Tonight I’d see Elian.

He was taking me anywhere.

“Oh, well, that’s fine. I can stay. I just thought I’d ask since you’re always ready to pick up extra shifts.” Diana watched me some more and I dropped my hands regretfully from the books.

“Not tonight,” I murmured.

“Do you have plans? Where are you going?” my boss asked, seeing this as an opening. A way to know more. She and Mrs. Statham should start a club.

For just the briefest of seconds I thought about being real with her. I thought about telling her about Elian. About how when I looked at him, I felt…full. It had been a long time since I had given myself permission to share…to confide.

Isolation had kept me alive. It had kept me whole.

It was safe. For me. For them.

I didn’t like Diana. I found her detestable in many ways. She ate with her mouth open. She compulsively chewed gum, even when speaking. She had problems with personal space.

But she was someone I shared time with for a brief period and I suddenly felt…lonely.

There’s Contradiction in the Solitude.

In the end, I didn’t answer her. It was better that way.



I stood in front of the mirror in the hallway fixing my hair. I fiddled with the messy strands, frustrated when they didn’t do what I wanted them to.

My fingers stilled when I realized what I was doing.

I let out an uneasy laugh and dropped my hands. My hair didn’t matter. My pretty face, my attractive clothes, none of it was important.

This was my beginning…

I turned to walk back into the living room and knocked into the guitar case just inside the doorway. I picked it up and set it behind the couch. I didn’t play. I never planned to. But I had to have this particular guitar.