The Boy and His Ribbon (The Ribbon Duet, #1)(89)

She sighed with all the pain she felt and all the matching misery I was about to cause. “I’m in love with him, and he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t care because whatever he cares about isn’t me, and I’m done trying to be what he wants when I doubt even he knows. It’s just…it’s the perfect combination of grief and bliss, I guess. And I stupidly became addicted to it…just like I became addicted to him.”

Now, I’m sure I’ve embellished what she said to me that day.

I’ve added flair that creative writing has taught me and put phrases into Cassie’s mouth that an Equine Science student probably would never say.

I also, maybe, probably, put in my own bittersweet knowledge, because I understand her now. I might not have slept with Ren, but I know her pain. I recognise her craving because such catastrophe lives within me.

Of course, I didn’t know that then. But…that’s how I heard it.

I listened to a tortured tale of unrequited love and fell for it.

I’d never heard something so beautiful as being told Ren was unclaimable while in another woman’s arms, and it sent my stupid adolescent heart wondering if I would be different.

If I was what he was searching for.

If he was what I was searching for.

If all of this was for a reason, a purpose, an ending that would complete whatever journey we were on.

It cracked open the blinders I’d had on all my life and gave me a glimpse at the man behind the boy.

The man I’d caught myself staring at.

The man I’d dreamt about.

The man who was my everything and would now become the reason for every tortured day thereafter.

I’ve loved Ren Wild all my life.

But it wasn’t until Cassie Wilson ripped back the curtain that I fell in love with him.

I fell into the idea of him.

I fell into the idea of being his.

And unfortunately, once that idea was formed…there was no going back.

As we rode into the farm as dusk fell and Ren appeared from the stable with his reserved smile, tanned skin, and perfect love, I tore my gaze from his dark soulful eyes. As he asked about our ride and helped untack our horses, I kept my thoughts buried and my body averted from his hugs.

And when night-time descended, I lay in bed mulling over Cassie’s words.

Over and over again.

Ruining myself, condemning myself until I had no other path to take.

“Well, my suggestion is to kiss someone you love with all your heart. Don’t settle for a cheap thrill. Save it for the person who means the world to you.”

In bold, it looks just as bad as my last confession of being in love with Ren Wild.

Her advice wasn’t meant to be taken the way I took it.

She didn’t mean to kiss the only boy I’d ever known.

She didn’t mean to set in action something that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

I knew that then, and I know that now.

But did it stop me?

Of course not.





CHAPTER FORTY-TWO


REN



2013





DELLA HAD BEEN out of sorts for the past few days.

I tried to ignore it and give her space. I trusted that if it was important, she’d tell me, and if it wasn’t, then I didn’t want to pry.

However, the day after she got back from her ride with Cassie, she was standoffish and strange. She refused to eat dinner with me. She gave me her back the moment she slipped into bed. She didn’t want to watch TV or study or do anything that involved spending time with me.

I tried not to be hurt by her behaviour, but I lay awake most of the night missing my best friend and wondering how the hell I could fix what I’d most assuredly broken because her mood must be my fault.

Why else did she hate me?

By the time the next afternoon rolled around, I finished early, had a shower so I didn’t smell of sweat and earth, and used the Wilson’s barbecue to make Della’s favourite: honey covered yams with brown sugar and soy sauce roasted chicken. I even threw on a few foil-wrapped bananas with maple syrup, indulging in her sweet tooth on all three elements of the meal.

When she returned from school, she gave me a weird smile, opened her mouth as if to say something, then darted into our bedroom.

She returned a little while later with blonde hair dark and damp down her back from a shower, and a turquoise summer dress with a heavy knit cream jumper to ward off the spring evening chill.

I cleared my throat. “I made us dinner.”

The weirdness in her faded when she pulled up the barbecue lid and spied the deliciousness underneath. “Wow, everything I love.” Her eyes gleamed with what suspiciously looked like tears before she blinked them away and beamed just like normal. “Thanks so much. You’re the best.”

The Della I knew and loved was still hiding, but for now, I’d settle for the reserved little woman smiling at me. I couldn’t stop my arms from grabbing her in a bone-crushing hug.

I held her so damn hard, wanting to delete the strangeness between us, wishing I could ask what she hid from me.

There were too many unsaid things these days and it made me nervous, as if I’d already lost her when she was still in my arms.

She returned my embrace but not as fierce as she usually would, and when I let her go, she sprang away quickly, when normally, she’d linger. We always lingered around each other. We liked each other’s company. I liked to know she was in reaching distance if she needed help. And she liked to snuggle up and make me laugh.