The Boy and His Ribbon (The Ribbon Duet, #1)(88)

But each one of those questions was guaranteed to rip out my heart and leave it in the hoof prints of my horse.

I swallowed them down, only for Cassie to somehow sense them and blurt, “I have no one else to talk to about him. I’ve never told my friends that I’ve been with Ren because I didn’t want them thinking he was available, and I didn’t want the news getting back to my parents. But…” She flashed me a pained look. “I really like him. Like…I think I might be in love with him. Stupid, right?” She laughed and sighed at the same time. “When he’s with me, he gives me his full attention, but getting him to that stage…it’s hard work. It’s like there’s always something else on his mind, stealing his heart.” She glowered at the reins in her hands. “Almost as if he’s searching for something else, and I’m not it.”

I sat deathly silent in my saddle.

Not even the sway of Domino’s steady walk or the increasing ache between my legs now that the painkillers had worn off could distract me from the bitter sweetness of finally getting answers I’d begged for all while hoping I didn’t get anymore.

“Have you kissed a boy, Della?”

I sucked in a gasp even as my head answered for me with a sharp shake, lying.

She smiled. “I envy you. That first kiss is the best.”

“I…I kissed Liam once.”

“Did you?! Oh, my God!” She burst out laughing. “Oh, wait. Is that when Mum got super mad and made Liam recite every body part so he knew what each did?” She laughed harder. “That’s too funny.”

I hunched. “I didn’t find it funny. It wasn’t good, and his worm…I mean…anyway.” I shrugged. “I want to kiss someone soon. I’m a woman now. I should know what it feels like.”

She flicked her plait over her shoulder, her ribbon fluttering like mine in the breeze. “Well, my suggestion is to kiss someone you love with all your heart. Don’t settle for a cheap thrill. Save it for the person who means the world to you.”

That advice, right there…did you see it?

Did you understand what my young foolish heart heard?

If you didn’t…you soon will.

Cassie continued, “Sex isn’t something to be done with just anyone, you know? You have to trust them impeccably. Love them. Want them. Believe in them. Know that they will never hurt you and always have your back. Okay?”

I nodded, still obsessing over her previous advice on who to kiss.

There was only one person I loved that much.

One boy who meant the absolute universe to me.

Doing my best to stop runaway thoughts, I asked the stupidest question I could’ve asked, “What was it like…sleeping with Ren?”

Her eyes narrowed, her breath inhaled, and she studied me for an eternity before admitting, “The best I’ve ever had.”

I should’ve stopped there.

I should’ve known that something wasn’t quite right with me that I wanted explicit details on the man who’d raised me.

I should’ve known nothing good could come from taboo conversation and dealing with amplified emotions while on my period.

So many reasons to stop.

I wanted to stop.

But this was adult territory, and I was an adult now.

I could handle it.

I could handle the filthy feeling inside at asking about Ren.

I could handle the strange greed, envy, and unfurling lust, even though all three emotions should’ve been massive alarm bells that I was broken in many ways. That I was on the precipice of doing something forbidden and disgusting and wrong.

But…I had no willpower.

And I’d been waiting for honesty like this all my life.

“How was it the best?” My voice was small, afraid, already hurting.

Cassie tore her eyes from mine as her hand found its way into her horse’s mane and twirled the black strands. “How?”

“Uh-huh…”

Tell me.

Don’t tell me.

Ruin me.

Don’t ruin me.

“Because Ren has never been a boy. Even when he was younger, he was braver, stronger, more attractive than any of the boys who think they’re men but are still just silly little children. He carries this melancholy melody inside him that just makes me want to protect him and have him protect me at the same time. When he touches me, it’s like fire. When he kisses me, it’s like drowning. When he pushes me down and thrusts inside me, it’s like falling into space, trusting him to never let you go, all the while hoping he will let you fall and then fall right along with you.”

Her voice dwindled away with longing. “He’s aggressive in all the right ways. He’s dominating and generous and ruthless and…” She shrugged helplessly. “Sleeping with Ren is the best thing I’ve ever done because he doesn’t just live to deliver pleasure but because he gives so much of himself when he does. He has his secrets. He has his moods. But when he’s in your arms…that’s when he lets himself be seen. His kisses are full of tragedy. His touches are full of sorrow. And when he comes…wow…” She looked at the sky full of sunset-pink clouds. “He breaks your heart every damn time because he’s everything you could ever want and everything you’ll never have because Ren is wild. He’s untouchable. And the knowledge that he’ll always be that way tears off a piece of your soul, letting him steal it. He pockets it like his secrets, and he carves a hole inside you until you ache for one tiny piece of his in return.”