The Birthday List(45)

“I’m heading out to the ranch later to pick up Jamie’s truck.”

That got Jimmy’s attention. Finally.

He picked up the remote and paused his show. Then the Jimmy I loved and adored—the Jimmy I’d been missing all month—reached out and put his hand on my knee. “Do you need me to come along? I can cancel my plans.”

I smiled and put my hand on his. “No, don’t cancel. I’ll be fine. But thanks for the offer.” I took a deep breath. “I know I’ve said this before, but I really am sorry I didn’t tell you about Jamie’s birthday list. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Oh, Poppy.” He gave me a sad smile. “I’m not mad. It just surprised me is all.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Enough sorrys.” He slipped his hand away and sat back. “We’re just fine.”

“Then why have you been giving me the silent treatment?”

He cocked his head. “Silent treatment?”

“Every time I’ve been here, you’ve had your eyes glued to the TV and ignored me.”

“What? No, I haven’t. I’ve been saving all the new episodes for your visits. Didn’t you say this show was one of your favorites?”

“That wasn’t me.”

He studied my face. “Are you sure? I could have sworn it was you.”

“Sorry. Not me. I’m not really into dragons and thrones and all that.”

“Well, shit,” he muttered. “I guess these last few visits have been kind of boring then. Sorry.”

I smiled. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m the one who needs to say sorry.”

“Enough sor—”

“Please.” I held out a hand. “Just let me say this one last time.” He scowled but closed his mouth. “I hope you know that I didn’t do it because I wanted to hide Jamie’s list. I only kept it from you because I didn’t want to make you sad.”

Jimmy’s scowl disappeared. “You don’t ever need to keep things from me because you’re worried I’ll be sad. I’m sad every day. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life—it comes with age.”

My heart broke just a little but before I could say anything, he kept going.

“But I’m happy every day too. I still have a lot of people in my life. Family. Friends. You. The trick is learning to let the happy outweigh the sad.”

I sighed. “I’m still learning that trick.”

“I know you are, and if going through Jamie’s list will help, then I’m all for it. I just wish you had told me sooner. I’d have liked to help you with whatever he had on that list.”

I should have known Jimmy would have wanted to help. Shame on me for not trusting he’d be supportive. “I’m not even close to being done if you want to help. There are a couple of them on there that I think are right up your alley. Want to see?”

He sat up in his chair, pushing down the footrest on his recliner and reaching for his reading glasses. “Hell yeah.”

I dug through my purse, getting out Jamie’s journal and handing it over. “I’ve checked the ones I’ve done already. All the others are still left.”

He ran his finger down the leather spine, then opened the book. With every turned page, Jimmy’s smile got bigger and bigger.

“Now that’s a good one.” He looked up over the rim of his glasses. “I’m helping with the paint fight.”

I grinned. “I thought you’d like that one.”

“Ha! Pull a fire alarm. I always wanted to do that too.”

“Well, we can do it together. You can be my cellmate when they throw me in jail.”

“If we get caught.”

As his eyes brightened, page after page, I chastised myself again for not sharing earlier. The birthday list was helping me deal with Jamie’s loss. Maybe it could help his family too.

“Do you think I should ask Kyle and Debbie if they’d like to see the list?”

Jimmy thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “I had a long talk with Kyle after our lunch last month.”

I tensed as he closed the journal and handed it back, then removed his glasses.

“I told him that you think they blame you for Jamie’s death.”

My frame deflated as I whispered, “I know they do.”

“No, they don’t.” He leaned forward to speak softly. “But they do have a hard time being around you. When they see you, they expect to see Jamie right by your side. You two never went anywhere without the other. It’s hard for them to see that missing piece.”

I nodded but my heart was aching. I knew they had a hard time seeing me, but I wished that instead of finding pain in my face, they had found love. Maybe even some comfort.

“It’s hard for me too. I feel that missing piece every day, but that hasn’t stopped me from wanting to have them in my life.”

“I’m not saying they’re right. I’m just trying to explain. Kyle and Debbie might not ever be able to move on, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in the past. Deep down, they want you to be happy. To live a happy life. And for your own sanity, that might mean letting them go.”

I sniffled, swallowing the lump in my throat before I could cry.