The Astonishing Color of After(92)

I needed him. I needed him so much more than he knew.

“But things are good,” Caro went on. “It’s kind of scary how good.”

“What do you mean, scary?”

Caro shrugged. “I mean. Our whole relationship is the payoff of being brave enough to go for something we both wanted. But we have to stay brave.”

I felt simultaneously happy for her and sad for myself. Brave was a word I’d never really thought about in the context of relationships. But it was exactly what I wasn’t. I wasn’t brave enough to tell Axel how I felt.

“Hey, what happened with that portfolio Nagori was helping you with?” said Caro.

“I literally just sent it in,” I said.

“Oh, awesome. I didn’t realize you’d finished.”

“I almost didn’t think I would,” I told her. It was true. The deadline had been just a few days ago, and I’d wasted so much time in the months leading up to it. I’d finally found my momentum, except that I’d had to pause whenever Dad was home. I slid my work under my bed and tried to avoid getting into an argument. He sat in the kitchen talking at me while I baked cookies or cleaned the fridge, keeping my hands busy to ward off the anxiety of not working on my art, my heart tattooing just three pieces against my ribs.

At some point in there, I’d cleaned up my crap, too. Beneath the piles of clothes and sketches and pencils, I’d once again unearthed the things we found in the basement. The bracelet. The Emily Dickinson book. The letters. The photograph.

Really, those had driven the rest of my portfolio.

“Hey, you’re staying for dinner, right? My grandparents are over.”

“Sure,” I told her. “That’d be great.”

As usual, Charles and Gaelle did their hopeless-romantic thing.

“I like Cheslin very much,” Charles was telling Caro. He said Cheslin’s name like it started with Sh instead of Ch. “She is smart. Beautiful, too.”

Caro rolled her eyes a little. “Thanks, Papi.”

Charles grinned. “One day maybe you will decide she would be a good life partner.”

“Oh god,” said Mel, “not the marriage talk.”

Gaelle spooned bread pudding onto my plate. “And how are you, dear? How are those wonderfully romantic parents of yours?” She winked.

My stomach churned and I smiled weakly. “Um, good.”

“What about that boy of yours?” said Mel.

For a second I thought she was talking about me kissing Weston, and I was both confused and terrified that anybody knew about it.

“Axel?” Mel added.

“Mom,” said Caro, looking mortified.

That moment confirmed that Caro knew exactly how I felt about Axel, and worse, she and her mom and probably even her grandparents had talked about me and him. Him and me. They’d talked about Leigh and Axel, and maybe even how sad it was that Axel would never return Leigh’s feelings. It was probably a dinner table topic, complete with Gaelle mewing sympathetically and Charles offering advice to an ear that was not present.

I felt sick.

As soon as dinner ended, I excused myself and headed for the door.

“I’m sorry,” said Caro, following me down the hall. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I said, though I could barely look at her.

“I didn’t actually directly say anything, but a couple months ago Mom just straight up asked me what was up with you and—”

“It’s fine.” You and Axel. That’s what she’d been about to say. The phrase made me want to throw up. “I’m not mad,” I told her, which was not a hundred percent true.

“Listen,” she said. “While we’re on this subject.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

“No, really. There’s something I need to tell you. Axel and Leanne got back together.”

I blinked at her, stunned.

“She’d actually asked him to go to Winter Formal, and there was a whole kerfuffle over that. So it’s not like… a particularly sudden development. I just thought you should know.”

The words punched me in the gut. The expression on Caro’s face was so terrible, and I understood then that this was something she’d been hiding from me. She looked like she was in agony.

It was nowhere near how I felt.

“Wow,” I said. “Okay.”

“Leigh?” said Caro.

“That’s. That’s great. How long has it been?”

“Kind of a long while now,” she said. “They’ve been… playing it down at school. But Axel told me.”

I scoffed. “Why would they do that? Why bother?”

“Are you okay?” said Caro.

“I’m just peachy,” I told her.

“Really? Truly? You’re being honest?”

Why was everyone in my life so demanding? “Really,” I said, just to get her off my case.

“Okay, then promise me something.”

I sighed. “What?”

“Let’s go to Fudge Shack tomorrow? Please?”

I shook my head at how random that was. But it seemed she thought that going to get fudge together could reset things. “Okay. Fine.”