Reckless Abandon(87)

He takes a few breaths. He raises his free hand as if to explain. “I don’t know why she sent it. I haven’t spoken to her in two years. She sent me a card last year, too, and I lost it. I took off.” He points to the object of our disagreement. “That is the reason I left. It’s why I spent nearly seven months searching for an answer.”

My eyes widen in surprise, fear, you name it. “An answer to what?”

“To everything,” he says on a long exhale. “My grandfather died, I had those f*cking ashes with me and his goddamn company to run. And then she sends me that. It was like a reminder of the life I couldn’t have.”

The words pierce me like a dagger. I don’t know if I can form a coherent sentence but I manage to breathe out a few words I’m so scared to know the answer to. “You want a life with her?”

“No. I want—God I’m saying this all wrong. Emma, sit.”

My arms cross in front of my chest like armor. “I’ll stand, thank you.” Finding out your boyfriend is still in love with another woman requires a standing position.

He takes a determined step toward me. Golden, warm honey-crisp eyes connect with mine, penetrating the shield I have up. “I’m not in love with her. I never was.”

He breathes in deeply and exhales. “Emma, I don’t want her but I want that.” He points to the photo on the wall. “I want . . . a family.”

He loved her for all the wrong reasons.

My weight shifts from one foot to the other. Wanting a family is not something to hide or be ashamed of. “I don’t understand.”

Alexander runs his hands through his hair. “The first girl I ever loved . . .” he starts, as if I could have forgotten there was a first girl. “She loved me only because I was an Asher. She wanted the money and the power, not me. I learned a long time ago that having what my parents had would never exist for me. No one would ever love me for me. It’s the Edward Asher way. My grandfather believed that love is what ruined people. You could have business and you can have pleasure but you can never rely on someone.”

She loved him for all the wrong reasons.

“And then Kathryn came around and she was different with me. She didn’t care about the money and she wasn’t impressed with the power. She was something I was searching for but she wasn’t right for me. She didn’t love me and I just loved the thought of her.”

I see nothing but darkness because my eyes are closed so tight. Is it possible that no one in this world has ever loved this man as much as I do? He doesn’t believe anyone could. I bet he never let anyone in long enough to see the real Alexander.

I loved him when I thought he had nothing. I hated him when I learned he had everything. Despite it all, I am soulfully in love with him but I don’t know how to prove it.

“You’re funny.”

“Excuse me?”

I open my eyes and see a confused look on his face. “You’re funny. You make me laugh. And you’re a pretty good cook. I think you’d be better if you tried making more things at home. You’re also kind to strangers and incredibly smart. That’s probably the first thing I ever learned about you. How smart you are. It’s really attractive.”

One brow rises. “Attractive, huh?”

I look down at the ground and smile. “Among other things.”

His lip curls into an almost-smile. “What else do you find attractive?”

I look up at him and scrunch my face using a sarcastic tone. “Your modesty.” He shakes and I continue. “You have a terrible singing voice,” I say and he looks up at me in surprise. I offer him a laugh and go on. “You can dance. You’re also an amazing teacher. You have patience with kids and an incredible way of making your lessons interesting and fun. Your heart is so big and full of love and hope. What you did with the Juliette Academy, creating it from scratch, is remarkable.”

I take a few steps toward him. “You have a great smile and when you let it out, it’s like the whole world lights up too.”

Alexander places his forehead against mine. “Thank you for that.”

I lace my hands around his waist. “I mean it.”

His eyes close and he breathes out as if his body is saying, I so hope you do. He takes his free hand and tugs a stray hair of mine behind my ear. He can’t see what he’s doing but he’s done it so many times, it’s muscle memory.

“What were you doing hanging that stupid card up anyway?”

“I thought I’d put up some Christmas cheer. I didn’t get a tree this year. It’s the first time I’ve never had a tree up.”

“I haven’t had one in years.”

I push back from him and frown. “Your grandfather didn’t let you put up a tree?”

Alexander shakes his head indifferently. “He had one. The old man had the largest tree in Manhattan. I haven’t had one since I moved out at twenty-two.”

My brows shoot up. “You haven’t had a tree in ten years?”

He shakes his head.

I step to the side and grab my coat and purse off the hook by the front door. “Put some clothes on. I just decided what I’m buying you for Christmas.”



We went and bought our first Christmas tree together. When we walked to the corner tree stand, Alexander’s face lit up. I could see he wanted to buy the biggest one they had. Unfortunately, my apartment can barely fit the two of us, let alone a large piece of pine.