Rapid Falls(39)

“Allen Murphy came a few hours ago. He wouldn’t even look at me.” Her mouth curled into an expression between fury and disgust. “He is going charge her with drunk driving. Sorry, felony DUI.” She looked at a small notepad beside the cutting board with a scrawled phrase on it. I wondered bitterly why she bothered to write down the official charge. No matter what it said on paper, to everyone in Rapid Falls, Anna had been arrested for murder. Jesse’s murder.

“Where is she now?” My voice felt raw, like I didn’t know how to say words anymore.

“She’s here, hon. Allen told us to drop her off at the station first thing in the morning.”

“And then we bail her out?” I said, as if the process was familiar to me.

My mom nodded. “After the arraignment. She’s a minor. Maybe that will help it go quicker.” She turned back to the pile of produce on the counter and stared at the lettuce. I could hear her sniffing.

“Mom. Is Anna going to jail?” I felt my stomach flip-flop in panic and elation. I crossed my arms to try to contain both emotions.

“She was . . . drinking and driving, Cara. It’s not a joke. I’ve told you both, over and over.” She trailed off, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Mom, it was graduation night. It was an accident.” I made a case for her because I knew I should, speaking as if I believed the words I was saying.

“Cara. I know. She’s your sister, and we all love her . . .”

“Of course.” I pressed my tongue against my teeth with anger at my mom’s unfailing allegiance to Anna.

“Oh, Cara, we all loved Jesse too,” my mom said with sorrow in her eyes in response to the fury in my voice. “I could have come to pick you up . . . I should have . . .”

“Mom, don’t. You could never have known . . . what was going to happen. He was my boyfriend. We can all forgive her . . .” I trailed off, incapable of saying what I should. I didn’t forgive her, and I couldn’t pretend I had.

“Really, Cara? You think we can all forgive her?” My mom looked heartbroken, but I couldn’t tell if it was for Anna or Jesse. Or me. I saw bursts of Jesse’s blood. Fire. Water. Rocks. I stared off so long that her tears started again.

“It’s okay, sweetie.” She walked toward me and gathered me in an embrace. She was shorter than me, but she still felt like my mom. I hadn’t forgiven Anna. I didn’t think I ever would. But maybe I’d get better at hiding it. My mom pulled back to peer into my face. I wondered if she could tell that I hated my sister.

“Look, we need to get through this together. We are a family. Families protect each other.” She smiled weakly. “We’ll get through this.”

I nodded slowly. My mom sounded like she was trying to convince herself too. I wondered if any of us could protect Anna now.

“Your dad is in the family room. Anna is upstairs. We need to eat. Together.” She blew air out of her mouth and turned back to the vegetables.

“Okay.” I kicked off my shoes and walked down the hallway. I needed to know what had happened with Anna. What she had said. I walked through the living room, past my dad on the couch. He took a long drink of something on ice. His nod to me looked loose enough to indicate it wasn’t his first drink.

“Hi, Dad,” I said.

“Hello.” He stood up, and the ice in his drink hit his glass. His back was rigid. He had barely spoken to me since we saw Anna at the hospital. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him anymore. He seemed like a different man from the one who had driven me to the hospital and held me in his arms.

“I’m going to go talk to Anna,” I said as I turned away.

He made a sound like a choked laugh.

“Are you okay?”

He was acting so strange; I wondered how many drinks he’d had.

“What was Jesse wearing that night?” His eyes were furious. The alcohol had sunk them deep into their sockets, but they still burned at me. Like he knew something.

His eyes forced words from me before I could stop them. “His grad jacket.”

I saw a spark of something before his face went blank. It almost looked like hate.

“Why are you asking, Dad?” I said, feigning confusion, even though my hands prickled with fear.

“Cara. What really happened that night? Did you—” He stopped talking, like the words hurt him. He had never said my name that way before, like I was his enemy. We stared at each other without speaking. In the distance, I could hear neighborhood kids playing outside. It sounded far away, like it was coming from a different world.

“I don’t know how to save you both,” he slurs finally, lifting his drink once again to his lips. The fury left his eyes, replaced by exhaustion. “She was drinking. She was high. The whole town knows that she wasn’t the girl they thought she was. Maybe it’s too late for her. I should have said something earlier. I saw the way he looked at her. I just didn’t want to interfere. Sometimes you try to do right and it ends up worse than you started.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dad,” I said, scrambling to figure out what he knew, how he knew. His words made me feel as if the black water had engulfed me again.

“Do you know what the word triage means, Cara?”

I shook my head no.