Queenie(74)

I sat up suddenly, panic propelling me upright. Unease spread from the top of my head and down my body. I went to stand up, but my legs wouldn’t follow the command of my brain. My heart started to pound, and my vision blurred at the edges.

“Help!” I tried to call out but couldn’t pull enough air into my lungs to get the word out. Instead, I sat hyperventilating until the water turned cold.

“Queenie?” my grandmother screeched. “Stop pussyfooting around, those sheets need to go!”

Although I could now move my legs, I couldn’t stand for the shaking. I didn’t know if it was the cold or the adrenaline.

“What you still in here?” She burst into the bathroom, and I pulled the shower curtain around me.

“Queenie you must be mad. You think I’m looking? You should have seen my form when I was your age, I put all ah yu to shame.”

“I feel really weird, I think I should go back to bed. I’m shaking, look.” I held my hands out.

“You think I haven’t shaken worse in my life? After I had your mother, I shook for a year. Come out the bath.”



* * *



Two weeks passed. A fortnight of chores, of feeling so ill, of refusing phone calls and ignoring messages, of panicking silently so as not to make my grandparents aware of my weakness.

On Tuesday morning, somewhere between my first bath of the day and taking the recycling out, my phone buzzed with a number that I didn’t know. I answered it cautiously with the hand that wasn’t balancing milk cartons and empty porridge boxes.

“Hello, am I speaking to Queenie Jenkins?” a droll woman’s voice said on the other end of the phone.

“Yes. Who is this?” I asked, walking down the front path.

“My name is Amanda, I’m calling from SLAM. We received your referral letter,” the woman said, her tone exactly the same as before.

“SLAM?”

“South London and Maudsley?” she said. “We received your referral for talk therapy.”

I dropped the recycling into its box and turned to look at the house to check that nobody was watching. The coast seemed to be clear, but my grandparents had supersonic hearing, so I let myself out of the gate and walked toward the main road.

“Oh. That was quick,” I told her. “I thought it would take months, if you’d get back to me at all.”

“It usually does, yes, but we had an opening. Would you be able to come in for an initial assessment?” Amanda from SLAM pushed on. “It’ll just be a chat, it shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

“Er, sure. Maybe. Can I think about it?” This was all a bit of a shock. “Where are you based?”

“Camberwell, just opposite King’s Hospital and behind Denmark Hill station,” she recited. “Once we’ve got your assessment booked in, we’ll send a letter out to you, and it’ll have all the information you need. You don’t need to worry about addresses now.”

The next opening they had was in a week’s time, which seemed soon, but I agreed to it quickly before I could um and ah and talk myself out of it. I walked back to the house and saw my grandmother standing on the porch, arms folded.

“Who were you on the phone to?” she asked, lips suitably tight again.

“Nobody!” I said.

“So why yuh look so worried?” she quizzed.

“No reason. It was nobody. I’m going upstairs.” I kept my head down, concentrating on taking my shoes off.

“Hm. You think I need to look into your eyes to know that you’re lying to me?” she said, before kissing her teeth and walking into the kitchen.

THE CORGIS

Darcy

How’s it going, Queenie? Missing you! xxx



Kyazike

Yeah, fam, it’s not like you to be quiet



Queenie

Hi both



Queenie

I’m not good



Queenie

But I’ll be fine



Darcy

Take your time! There’s no rush!



Queenie

Of course there’s a rush. I’ve felt bad for so long. I just want to be better. I want to be normal



Darcy

A lot has happened to you, Queenie. It’s a huge amount to process. But you’ll get there!



Queenie

I guess



Kyazike

Ah, fam. I know it’s mad, still, but you’ll be back to yourself in no time. Trust me. In the meantime, you ain’t missing out on anything. I haven’t even been on any dates I can entertain you with



Queenie

Ha



Queenie

I think I’m going to go off-grid for a bit, if that’s all right. Talking to you just reminds me that I’m a shell of the Queenie you were friends with



Darcy

You’re Queenie! You don’t have to be one way or another for us to love you. But you take your time. We’ll always be here. Xxxxxx



Kyazike

Exactly. What Darcy said. Love, fam



That night and the night after, I lay awake, thinking about how best to approach the introduction of counseling to my grandparents. I didn’t entertain the idea of lying to them; since I’d been staying here, every second of my time was accounted for, logged, and discussed.