Queenie(72)

“But it’s not true, Gina! Can’t you tell them that it’s not true?” I begged her. “And that I just come in and do my job?”

“Queenie, how can I prove to them that there’s a role here that you’re actually fulfilling? You don’t come in on time. When you do get here, you spend every second distracting Darcy, who has managed to do her job alongside the chatting, by the way. You aren’t focused, you aren’t committed, and when I asked you to contribute to the paper, which you wanted all along, you didn’t do it, and when I gave you that tiny responsibility, to look after an intern, you can’t even do that. Word gets around, Queenie, and Chuck’s father is the head of the U.S. paper, come on!”

“I’m sorry, Gina, it’s just that there’s been a lot going on. I am sorry, I just let it get away from me and I’ve been distracted, but I will do better, I promise.” I pleaded with her as panic started to rear its ugly head.

“Queenie, we all have things going on,” Gina started. “Between me and you, my ex-husband refuses to look after our children, my lover has been telling me he’s going to leave his wife for the last six years, my mother has been moved into a hospice, and my father doesn’t remember who I am, but still I have to keep going. What is it I told you all those months ago? You’ve got to keep one foot on the ground! You focus! But you haven’t, even though I’ve been giving you chance after chance.”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I can’t believe I’ve let this happen.”

“So here’s what you’re going to do.” Gina crossed her arms. “You’re going to leave the office at the end of the week. I’ve managed to swing it that you’re going to be on paid leave for two weeks, as you haven’t taken any of your holiday, which brings you just past the end of the month. Then after that, no pay, and we wait to see what happens. I’ll keep you posted on the investigation.” Gina paused. She surely knew that this was my only source of income. “Chuck will be filling in for you, Queenie. He’s done some brilliant work. He did a redesign of the culture pages, and everyone is very impressed.”

“But I told him to do that,” I said bitterly. “Is this because my dad isn’t the head of a paper? This isn’t fair!”

“Queenie, not much is!” Gina said heavily. “Yes, people like Chuck have it easier than you, but instead of complaining about it, you’ve got to do better!”

“I understand, Gina,” I cut in. “Twice as hard to get half as much, right? I grew up hearing this, but never thought I’d hear it from you.”

“This isn’t because you’re black, or because your family is poor!” Gina pointed a finger at me. “He’s got it easier than most of us here, for God’s sake. Frankly, if you’d kept your eyes on the ball, then you wouldn’t be in this position. I am so sorry, kid.”

I started to shake violently. Gina uncrossed her legs and jumped up from her seat. She put a hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. I couldn’t respond. She left the office and came back seconds later with Darcy.

“Queenie? Queenie, are you okay?” I could see and hear my friend, but I still couldn’t open my mouth to speak.

“Darcy, who is her next of kin?” Gina panicked, picking up her phone. “Boyfriend? Shit, she doesn’t live with her boyfriend anymore, does she?”

“No, it’ll be a family member.”

“Do you know her mum’s number?” Gina asked, her hand hovering over the phone keypad.

“Not her mum,” Darcy said. “Don’t call her mum. Her next of kin is probably her aunt Maggie. The number will be in her phone. Queenie, where’s your phone?”

I stared ahead, still shaking. Darcy left and came back a few seconds later, my phone to her ear.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but she’s shaking a lot. . . . Okay, I’ll ask her. Queenie, your aunt says, have you eaten? . . . She’s not saying anything. But she didn’t eat anything at lunch yesterday. . . . I don’t think she’s just hungry, she looks like she’s in shock or something. . . . Okay. . . . Queenie, Maggie asks if it’s the panic attacks this time, or the women’s troubles? . . . She still won’t say anything. . . . Shall I get her stuff ready and bring her down to the foyer? . . . Yep, I’ll wait with her until you get here. . . . No, it’s no bother at all, I’ll see you soon.”





chapter


TWENTY-TWO


WITH EVERYTHING IN Eardley’s van, I walked down the steps of the damp, crumbling Brixton house and left the key on the kitchen table. I wouldn’t miss it. Not much could surprise me anymore, but I was shocked that I’d lasted as long as I had in that house.



* * *



I ate my words and did miss the house days later when the reality of living with my grandparents kicked in. I thought I’d be able to spend my days recovering through sleep, rest, quiet, and food.

The first night, I was tossing and turning until dawn because I was worrying that my life was over. Who moves in with their grandparents when they’re almost twenty-six?

? ? ?

We sat in silence around the dinner table as the dim light flickered overhead. I looked down at my dinner, my stomach beginning to churn. I could never eat in Roy’s presence, but he insisted on these weekly meals. Ultimately, they gave him the opportunity to belittle either me or my mum for an extended period of time while he had both of us in one place. “You know what I’ve been thinking?” Roy said, breaking the silence. I wondered which one of us he was going to come for first. Yesterday it was me, so today it was surely going to be my mum. “Your daughter won’t amount to nuttin’.” Roy laughed, throwing his stocky frame back in his chair and chucking his fork onto the dinner table. “Eedyats, the pair of you.” My guess was wrong. I looked down at my plate as he laughed again. I felt like I was going to be sick.