Queenie(52)

I won’t think about it until I hear from Ted again; then I’ll know what his motives are.



* * *



As I ate pizza and watched Jools Holland and his reliable New Year’s Hootenanny, I reached into my dressing table and pulled out a pink leather Moleskine that I hadn’t yet managed to soil and decided to write some resolutions.

New Year’s Resolutions

1. Be kinder, and more patient with everyone. Up to and including commuters who push onto the Tube before anyone can get off, colleagues you overhear complaining about having no money even though you know that their parents cash-bought them a house, and also housemates who continue to cook seven-course meals in a shared kitchen which stops you from being able to make basic pasta and sauce.

2. Better vibes. In general, across all elements of your life and day.

3. Work harder, which should result in promotion: a. Get to work on time.

b. Listen to Gina’s instructions.

c. Go above and beyond.

d. Less chatting with Darcy.

e. Be actively kind to the intern even though he is in a position of extreme privilege and will probably be your boss in five years.

f. No personal e-mail, no looking on Tumblr at work, phone permanently in desk drawer when working.

4. Try to sort things out with Tom. Obviously, the end goal is to get back together when he is ready, so continue to give him space, and in the meantime: 5. No more men:

a. Only speak to men if they’re attached, thus unavailable.

b. If you do speak to them, and they are single, don’t have sex with them. Adi was enough. In some ways.

c. Always use protection, always, even if you get carried away, which you do so often.

i. Maybe try to work out why that is.

d. No more of the dating apps, especially not on a Sunday when everyone is feeling sad and lonely and hungover and longing for a better life that they’re convinced comes with a partner thus obligatory weekend activities.

e. NO MORE GUY. He hurts you physically, and also overheard evidence of late suggests that he has a girlfriend. Either that or he is really very close to his housemate.

6. Spend more time with family: a. Try to repair relationship with Mum despite everything (though this one you can break if it gets too much).

b. Go to see grandmother once a week, Sunday being best day as she will have roasted a chicken.

c. Reach out to your mainly estranged dad (while not expecting too much from him, thus saving yourself from inevitable rejection blues on top of Tom rejection blues).

7. Exercise. Possibly starting with something gentle like yoga, or swimming, once you figure out how to protect your hair. It might help with mental health, even though you are beginning to worry that you’re beyond repair.

8. Try to do something creative:

a. Writing?

b. Poetry?

c. Weaving?

d. Knitting?

e. Art? Not sure about this one.

f. . . . You can’t think of any other creative activity, which in itself suggests that creativity is not for you.

9. Be less of a catastrophist: you will try to be an optimist and won’t be too harsh on yourself if pessimism creeps in, which it is bound to.

10. Give 50 percent of your things to charity after you Marie Kondo your room. No use selling on eBay, it’s not worth selling something you bought for .50 for $1.99 when the money could go to cancer research. Already a very kind suggestion, as per resolution 1.

11. GO TO THERAPY??? Think about therapy, at least.

I think that’s enough to be getting on with. In challenging myself to do anything at all, I’ve already set myself up to fail. But in limiting the resolutions, I can at least make the failure less disappointing.



* * *



After finishing my resolutions and inhaling a whole pizza, I took the grease-soaked box outside and shoved it into the overflowing recycling bin. I could hear cheers, and church bells chiming. I’d missed the countdown. Well. Another year.

Queenie

Happy New Year, Tom. I hope this year is better for us than the last. X



Tom

Happy New Year, Queenie. X





chapter


FIFTEEN


MY HEAD HURT, and I was so tired that I could see my heartbeat pulsing in my eyes. I’d finally fallen asleep at 4 a.m., and was woken up three hours later by Rupert’s usual disgusting sounds echoing around the bathroom and through my walls. When had he gotten back?

When he’d finally expelled every fluid from his body, I went into the bathroom after him to shower and wiped offcuts of his beard from inside and around the sink, then moved his pubic hair from the toilet seat with a tissue-covered hand. I didn’t have to do this with Tom. Maybe I should make a resolution to stop thinking about Tom three times a minute, and comparing him with everyone I encounter.

I left for work, and instead of putting on my normal shoes, I put on my old (but sadly not faded) bright-green running shoes and started walking to work. Resolution 7. I ended up getting the bus halfway, but, baby steps. I was waiting until I got into the office to change my shoes, but when I turned the corner and was walking up to the building, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked around and saw Gina shaking her head. I pulled an earbud out.

“No,” she said.

“No? What do you mean, no?” I said back.

“No. Those.” Gina pointed at my shoes. “Get those off, now.”