Queenie(49)
“No thanks, Maggie,” my mum said. At least we agreed on something.
“Suit yourself,” my aunt said. “Well, look, worry about yourself. What’s the latest on the court case?”
“It’s killing me, Maggie. Every time I have to see Roy, I have to stop myself from being sick.”
“That’s why you’ve lost so much weight,” Maggie commented. “Two and a half blasted years of having to go through this. You need to let me know when the hearings are, I can come along with you.”
“I don’t want you to hear what we went through, Maggie. I’m so embarrassed. The lawyers, they bring it all up all the time. All of it.” My mum sobbed, and I felt tears rush to my eyes. “They’ve finally found his private bank account, though, where he’d put all the money from my house, so that’s something. Doesn’t mean I’ll get any of it back.”
“I hope your lawyer is pushing for something, though.” Maggie raised her voice slightly.
“She is, she is,” my mum said softly. “She said it would help the case if Queenie testified, but I don’t want her to relive what she saw.”
“Don’t bring Queenie in,” Maggie said firmly. “No.”
“I won’t. Listen to this—” my mum spluttered. “Remember when he slammed my face into the steering wheel when I was driving and made me crash? He told the judge I crashed because I was drinking. Lied through his teeth. He’s mad, Maggie!”
“You weren’t to know he’d be this mad.”
“I don’t know why I couldn’t see it, though?” my mum said. “I was so scared, scared of being alone after Queenie’s dad upped and left me. I thought nobody would ever want me again, and when Roy came along I thought he was a god.”
“He was a master manipulator, Sylv.”
“But I abandoned my daughter!” my mum wailed. “I loved her so much, and I abandoned her.”
I felt myself being pulled back by the shoulder. It was Granddad. “Let the big people speak, nuh?” he whispered. “Nuttin’ in there for you.”
I wouldn’t feel sorry for her. She’d made her mistakes, and now we both had to live with them. I wiped my eyes quickly and went back up to the spare room and checked my phone. I had a text from Gina.
Are you not checking work e-mail? Odd. Could you please? Need you in earlier. MC.
I logged in to my work account and tried to ignore everything but Gina’s e-mail. I’d made a conscious point of not checking my work inbox every single minute when I was out of the office because I’d read some article about how it’s bad for our mental health. And yes, there are a lot of things worse than worrying about work during the holidays, but I was determined to take my not wanting to work more than I was paid for very seriously.
On Tuesday, 25th December, Row, Gina <[email protected]> wrote at 11:34:
Q. Need you in tomorrow (26th) a.m. Just checked e-mail and saw message from printer—Chuck’s edits to the next issue? A mess. Need you to fix before mag goes to print. Check main drive, all there. Pages 32–60. Make changes, file new version. Can’t do it myself as stuck in Suffolk. Text me when fixed. G
I went to close the browser, but my eyes accidentally scanned the inbox and landed on an e-mail from Ted sitting amongst the unopened messages.
I went to open it, but stopped myself and closed the laptop. I am not very disciplined, however, and have mainly made peace with that, so reopened the laptop.
On Tuesday, 25th December, Noman, Ted <[email protected]> wrote at 15:45:
Queenie, my head is swimming with thoughts of you. I’ve sat through so many dinners and family parties and I’d swap it all to be sitting with you in our park. Say we can do that as soon as we get back? Merry Christmas. X
Delete. I’ve known a lot of men, but never one to blow this hot and cold. If this was the clarity I’d asked God for, I’m never praying again.
chapter
THIRTEEN
APART FROM SILENT Jean who I’m not sure even left the office for Christmas, I was the only person on my floor. It took me a million years to get inside because the security guard was a weird seasonal one who didn’t believe that I worked for a newspaper.
When I asked why else I’d be here in the middle of the holiday break when I could be at home, his continued line was: “Because you might be a troublemaker.”
I’d forgotten my pass at home, but eventually he let me in after I forced him to take the lift up to the fifth floor and look at the poster of me that was in the cafeteria. I didn’t want to take part in it, but the paper had been doing a whole “we are diverse” initiative and asked if I would be on the supporting images, as I am one of four diverse members of staff who don’t work in the service divisions. The poster shows me, Vishnay from the finance supplement, and Josey from music all standing awkwardly underneath the words THE DAILY READ: NEWS FOR ALL. Zainab in digital had refused to take part.
When, in my induction, the Spanish HR assistant quite literally said to me: “You are very lucky to be working here! There are others like you, except not the same color,” I wasn’t sure that I was hearing her properly, so asked her to repeat what she’d said. “You know! There are darker ones, but they’re in IT.” I’d opened my mouth to respond (though still have no idea what I was going to say), but she jumped in with: “Don’t worry, my husband is black, so I know about you and your people.” She’s gone now. Was she fired? I wouldn’t be surprised.