Playlist for the Dead(62)

“You’re telling me there’s two sides? You made his life hell, you stole his chance to have a girlfriend, and now he’s dead. What’s the other side?”

“You don’t know what it was like for me,” he said. “One of my earliest memories is of Dad puncturing my soccer ball with a steak knife so I would throw the football around with him. You think I wanted to play football, a guy my size? I get killed out there. I would have made a great goalie, but Dad said soccer was for wimps and he wasn’t going to have a wimpy kid. At least not until Hayden, who got to just hide in his room playing video games all day. He didn’t have to deal with any of our parents’ crap.”

Was he kidding? “Did you not hear how they talked to him?”

“Sure, talk,” he said. “But at the end of the day, they left him alone. And Hayden had a learning disorder. They yelled at him about his grades, but they didn’t hold him to the same standard they used for me. I had to get straight As or there was no allowance, no clothes for school, no new equipment for sports. I worked my ass off.” He paused, wondering, I was sure, why he was bothering to tell me all this. I know I was. “It was just so unfair,” he finally said, and his voice grew softer. “I knew it wasn’t his fault; I knew it was better for him to fight them and then hide out than to cave like I had. But God, I resented him so much for it. I get that it makes me a bad person. I get it.”

I wasn’t going to argue with him on that one. “Is that why you made Jess leave the party?”

“It’s more complicated than that,” he said. “I’d gone into his room to use his computer because mine crashed—you know I have an old shitty one because I keep getting Bs in math, and they won’t upgrade it until I fix it—and I’d seen him talking to this girl online. And for some reason it just made me furious to think that he was going to meet this girl, when I’d lost the one girl I was really into.”

“Astrid?”

He nodded. “I know you’ve been hanging out with her, and she probably told you what an asshole I am for dumping her, but you have no idea what it was like when her dad died. I guess I understand it better now, but she turned into a totally different person, and it was like every decision she made was a judgment on what she’d been like before. And on me. So I broke up with her, but really, she broke my heart.”

It was so weird hearing him talk like this; I could tell it was weird for him too. He had this look of surprise on his face, like he couldn’t believe the things he was saying.

“I just couldn’t handle the idea that Hayden would succeed where I failed. And so I went to that party and told him that Athena wasn’t real. I told him it was all a joke, that Astrid and I were in on it together, that she’d never really been his friend. He didn’t want to believe me, but he couldn’t argue when he saw Jess’s text message.” He looked down at the Smiths shirt. “I saw Mom packing up the box of stuff to give to you. It never occurred to her that I might want something to remember him by. This was the only band he listened to that I didn’t hate, so I took it before she left.”

I thought about some of the other songs on the playlist, like the one about siblings that I’d never fully understood. The lyrics were sad, but it was kind of a happy-sounding song. I wondered what Hayden had been trying to tell me about Ryan, whether he’d had any idea that the way Ryan treated him came from such a sad place. Maybe, on some level, he knew. I wasn’t really sure what to say, though. I’d spent years thinking of only the bad things he’d done, with no regard for what it might have been like to be him. His life seemed so charmed, especially when compared to Hayden’s; it was confusing to think that he had his secrets, just like everyone else.

“I know you blame me,” he said. “And that’s fair. I blame myself, too. And if you’re the one who beat up Jason and Trevor, well, I guess I understand that, too.”

“I didn’t—” I started to say, but he held up his hand.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “We all did a lot of bad things, and it makes sense that bad things would happen to us. But losing Hayden—I have to live with the fact that I can never fix this. My friends hurt people, sure, but those people will heal, just like Jason and Trevor will. Hayden’s not here to heal, though, so I don’t think I ever will, either.”

I’d never imagined getting to a place where I could ever feel bad for Ryan, but right now, I did. “I know what you mean,” I said.

“I can’t ask you to forgive me,” he said. “I can’t forgive myself, anyway, so what would be the point? But do you think, someday, it might be possible for you not to hate me so much?”

I thought about that for a minute, about the ever-growing list of people who felt responsible for Hayden’s death. We were all right, but we were all wrong at the same time. And ultimately Hayden was the one who’d made the decision. He was the one who’d left us here, trying to figure it out, never able to say we were sorry, to make things right. I would never understand how hurt and confused and hopeless he must have felt, to decide it wasn’t worth trying, and I wasn’t mad at him anymore for doing it, but I never wanted to feel that way. And I never wanted to feel like I’d made someone else feel that way, either.

“I don’t hate you,” I told Ryan, and I mostly meant it. “I don’t hate anybody.”