Playlist for the Dead(58)

I didn’t, though. Not that I cared so much about what any of those people thought of me most of the time, but I had some pride. And there was no way, absolutely no fucking way, I was going to stand around crying in a cornfield—soybean field, whatever—and let Astrid and her friends think she’d reduced me to tears. But I couldn’t seem to manage standing up anymore; I let myself fall to my knees and stared at the ground, trying to pretend everyone else was gone. I heard the song I’d been listening to in the car playing over and over in my mind, with its references to loving people who lied to you. That wasn’t going to be me. I was done with lies, with secrets and hidden things. I would get over Astrid, in a way I might never get over losing Hayden. I was fine with being alone.

And then I felt the tap on my shoulder.



I COULDN’T IMAGINE ASTRID would have dared come back. But I braced myself when I looked up, just in case. No Astrid, though. Just a small, scared-looking girl with short spiky hair.

Jess.

“Can I talk to you?” she asked. Her voice was high pitched and as quiet as I’d have expected from someone as shy and withdrawn as she seemed to be.

I stood up. I must have been a foot taller than her. “Sure,” I said, trying to sound like someone who had his composure, which I was not. “Do you mind if we go over by the bonfire, though? I’m freezing.” It was true; the air had gotten even colder as the sky darkened, and my sweatshirt wasn’t nearly warm enough. But really, I didn’t want to be able to see Astrid.

She looked up at me and gave a little nod. We walked closer to the fire, where it was warmer, and found a dry patch on the ground to sit.

“Are you okay?” Jess asked.

She must have seen everything, so she had to know I wasn’t. But I didn’t want to think about that; I wanted to know why she’d asked to talk to me. Now that we were right next to each other I had a chance to see her more clearly, to imagine how Hayden would have seen her. She wasn’t a particularly pretty girl; everything about her was tiny, almost too much so. Her eyes were small and set close together; her mouth so little that her lips were just two thin lines. Her hair was clipped short and I could see her miniscule ears, their lobes just barely large enough to contain her stud earrings. “I’ll be okay,” I said, and I wanted it to be true.

She looked back at me, and I became aware that I was staring. But then she gave me a shy smile, and I got it. I could see why Astrid had imagined them together, could see how she and Hayden fit, how her size would make him feel strong. And they’d fallen for each other without ever having met in person; I had no idea whether Jess had asked Astrid to point Hayden out, but if she had, clearly she’d found him appealing in some way. I’d always thought people who started relationships online were nuts, but now I wondered if they knew something I didn’t. There was something so pure about it, how Hayden and Jess had based everything they felt on who they were, on who they knew the other person to be, and maybe they’d been right.

“Astrid talks about you all the time,” Jess finally said, softly. “And he did too. I’m glad we have a chance to talk. I thought maybe if I explained things to you, you’d understand a little better.”

I understood why she didn’t want to say Hayden’s name out loud. She was dead wrong if she thought she was going to change my mind about what I’d just learned, though. But I didn’t want to stop her from telling her story. “I wasn’t sure you were real at first,” I admitted. “When Astrid told me about Athena, I thought maybe it was her.”

Jess laughed. “Hard to imagine,” she said. “It took Astrid a long time to get over Ryan. I think maybe it didn’t happen until Hayden told her about you.” She swallowed a little after saying “Hayden,” but it seemed to loosen her up.

“What do you mean?”

“She had a thing for you just based on what he’d told her, before you even met. I think she set me and Hayden up with the idea that someday it would be the four of us, together.”

I felt my throat close as she said that. Why couldn’t Astrid have found me sooner? Trusted me sooner? Maybe I could have stopped her from doing what she did. I don’t know that I could have stopped her from wanting to, though, and right now that was the real problem. But I wasn’t here to talk about Astrid. “Can you tell me what happened? At the party?”

“I figured that’s what you wanted to know,” Jess said. “Astrid told me you blame yourself for what happened. And I know she thinks she’s responsible, too. But it wasn’t either of your faults. It was mine.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I said.

“But I know what really happened. You only know what you saw at the party.”

“Please,” I said. “Tell me whatever you can.”

She spoke slowly and softly, and I had to lean in to hear her.


“I had this idea that when Hayden actually saw me he’d change his mind and take off, and I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I knew I had to meet him in public, so I could hide if something went wrong. Astrid said the party would be perfect. Hayden and I weren’t sure; we weren’t exactly party people. But Astrid assured me it would work—that girl’s house was huge, and there were all these rooms where we could go off and talk, and it would be less awkward than just the two of us alone somewhere. If we met in person and it didn’t feel the same, she would leave with me. Astrid and me spent the whole day together getting ready, and the plan was that Eric would pick us up and take us over there a little early, so we could get settled in. I’m not so great with crowds.”