Playlist for the Dead(54)

I wasn’t sure how to get him to start, so I figured I’d just start babbling and he could interrupt me. “I don’t know how much Astrid’s told you about me . . .”

Eric smiled. “Enough, that’s for sure. She’s very into you, in case you can’t already tell.”

I blushed. “Believe me, it’s mutual. But you know about Hayden too, right?”

“I do,” he said.

I appreciated that he didn’t try to say more, that he just acknowledged that I’d lost something. It didn’t make things better, but nothing would.

“She told me she was trying to help him,” I said. “She was supposed to meet Jess at that party, but she didn’t go.”

“And that’s where I come in,” he said.

I was relieved that he understood. I waited for him to say more, but he seemed to be thinking. Then he took a long drink from his water bottle, like he was gearing up for something.

“What the hell,” he said finally. “All my other friends know. And if you’re going to be hanging out with us you might as well know too. Come take a look.” He got up from the beanbag chair as gracefully as anyone can get out of a beanbag chair and walked over to the corner where he’d been painting the other day. I followed him and stared at the portrait, at those features that had looked so familiar, and then I realized why. I looked at Eric.

He nodded.

“That’s Jason,” I said.

“We used to be a thing,” he said.

Of course. The rumor about Jason, Astrid mentioning that Eric had been through a bad breakup. But how could I have known? Just because they were both gay didn’t mean they’d been a couple. They were such an unlikely pair.

We went and sat back down, and Eric started talking. “We met in church—we went to the same Sunday school class for years. And I think we probably both reacted the same way when the minister would rant and rave about the evils of homosexuality and all that. We were both closeted, though he was way more scared of people finding out than I was. I just figured it was no one’s business but mine, and I wasn’t ready to talk to my family yet. But his family was super religious, and he figured they’d completely freak out if they knew about him. Not to mention that even though they live on the east side, they have, like, no money, and he was counting on this church scholarship to go to college. If they found out he was gay, there was no chance he’d get it.”

So that’s what he’d meant the other day: Most people around here would rather stay closeted than run the risk of losing a scholarship because your church found out you were gay. I’d assumed he’d just been making an offhand comment, but he’d really been talking about Jason.

Eric paused to take another sip of water, and I realized on some level he wanted to tell the story to someone, start to finish, the way he’d probably not been able to before.

“That must have been really hard for both of you,” I said.

“It was,” he said, sounding grateful. “I know he can be a real asshole, but he wasn’t like that when we were alone. He was different. It’s hard to explain. But we were happy. At least I thought we were.”

“But something happened,” I said. “The night of Stephanie Caster’s party.” That must have been the night they broke up, but I didn’t want to say it out loud.

“The very same,” he said. “I still don’t know all the details—Jason and I haven’t so much as looked at each other since. But I can guess. I think his friends found out, and they freaked. Told him if he wanted to hang out with them, he had to end it, and no one could ever find out. So he did. Via an extremely unpleasant text message.” He laughed, but it was a dark, ugly laugh.

“And that’s why you called Astrid?”

“No, I knew she had that party to go to, and it sounded like it was really important for her to be there—I didn’t know the details. But I guess Trevor and Ryan thought it wasn’t enough that Jason break up with me; they had to make sure to keep me busy enough not to try and get him back.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant. “How?”

“They outed me to my parents. That was when I snapped. I wanted to call Astrid, but I was hysterical. I could barely talk I was crying so hard.”

Something about that made me almost jealous; I wondered if it was because I hadn’t yet been able to cry for Hayden.

“I picked the girls up but I still couldn’t talk,” he said. “I think Astrid thought something had happened to me, like physically. When we got to the party she refused to get out of the car; she told Jess that it would be okay, that she’d be there soon, but she needed some time with me. I didn’t ask her to stay, but in a lot of ways I’m really grateful she did, even though I know it screwed everything up. I still feel guilty about that.”

You and me both, I thought, but I didn’t say it. I didn’t know what to say, really. I thought about when I’d said something about Eric’s family accepting him, how Astrid had said, “They do now,” and Eric had basically shut her down. I’d stepped in it without realizing, and I didn’t want to do it again. “I’m sorry,” I said.

“Thanks. It’s okay now—it’s not like I wasn’t going to tell them; I just wanted to do it on my own time, in my own way. They’re not homophobes or anything; they just haven’t been around gay people all that much, and it’s taking them some time to get used to the idea that their firstborn isn’t what they thought he was. But in some ways it’s made my life easier—now I don’t have to worry all the time about people finding out, and I can dress and act how I want.”