Playlist for the Dead(51)

He stopped in the middle of the road and turned to face me. “No!” he screamed. “No, I’m not going to tell you. Wasn’t it enough that I got thrown down the stairs and humiliated in front of everyone? Do I have to live through the rest of it again? I don’t think so.” He got out his wallet, pulled out a twenty, and threw it at me. “Here. You’ve got your phone. Call a cab. I want to be alone tonight.”

The twenty fluttered to the ground in front of me. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen him like this before, and truth be told, I didn’t really want to go back to his house and have to deal with it. But I didn’t want to have to pick up that twenty, either. I’d rather walk, no matter how far it was.

We stared at each other for a minute that felt like ten; the glare of headlights at a stop sign down the street finally snapped us out of it. We both started walking, in opposite directions.

“Fuck you, Hayden,” I said, but he didn’t turn around.

That was the last time I saw him. Alive, anyway.


I took a deep breath and waited for Astrid to say something. For a minute she sat there, sucking on that stupid peppermint stick, still not looking at me. Great. Now she understands. “See?” I said, eventually. “It really was my fault.”

“It wasn’t,” she said.

“You can’t say that.”

“I can,” she said, and then she finally looked at me. “I know why Hayden went to the party.”



I STARED AT ASTRID LIKE AN IDIOT. “How could you know? You weren’t there.”

“I was supposed to be,” she said.

I didn’t know what to think. But the wheels in my head were spinning, spitting out possible scenarios. Astrid was Athena, and they were supposed to be together at the party. Athena was fake, and Ryan and his friends had set Hayden up just to embarrass him. But how would Astrid know that? Unless she’d been back with Ryan. God, I hoped that wasn’t true. But it didn’t seem right. Nothing I could think of seemed right.

“Let me tell you the whole thing,” she said. She looked worried—scared, even—but she started talking anyway. “I told you I’d become friends with Hayden when I was going out with Ryan, but we stayed in touch even after the breakup. Just the occasional text here and there; he knew I was having a hard time with everything, and he was such a sweet kid. And I liked him so much. I didn’t know why he always seemed so alone to me. Especially when he had a friend like you.”

Something about the way she said it made me feel guilty, but I resolved to just listen and not try to defend myself.

“I decided he needed a girlfriend. And I told him that, but he was too shy to try himself.”

I could have told her that; we’d talked about girls all the time, but neither of us had the guts to ever approach one.

“I wanted to fix him up, but I didn’t think he’d go for it. So I figured I’d try another approach. I had the perfect person in mind: someone cute and small and shy, just like him. Someone creative, who could be talked into finding online gaming fun.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Jess,” Astrid said quietly, looking down.

I remembered the pixie-haired girl I’d seen at the party, and then at lunch, the one who’d never talked to me. I’d thought maybe she didn’t like me for some reason; maybe she’d thought I was the one who hurt the bullies. But maybe it was just shyness. “Jess?”

Astrid nodded. “She’s a sweetheart, just like Hayden, but she’s even shyer than he is. I’ve been wanting the two of you to become friends, but the thought of it completely freaks her out, so I haven’t pushed it. It’s partly because I feel so awful about what happened. See, when you say it’s your fault, I can say that I know it isn’t. Because it’s mine.”

I started to shake my head.

“At least partially,” she said. “I told her how into Mage Warfare Hayden was, that she should set up a user name and find him in the game. That way she wouldn’t have to talk to him in person, not right away; I knew she was much more comfortable online, just like him. She was nervous at first, but I really talked Hayden up, and eventually she was into it. I even suggested the user name.”

I felt my shoulders slump with relief. So that was the connection between Astrid and Athena. I had to admit, it made more sense than the thought of Hayden and Astrid together. And now I didn’t have to feel weird about the idea of sharing a girlfriend with Hayden.

“It worked perfectly at first,” she continued. “Hayden didn’t tell me anything, of course; he wasn’t about to confess to me when he hadn’t even told you. But I kept up with Jess. She was so excited—it seemed like she was really coming out of her shell. They were super cute, always talking about music and making little mixes for each other. I felt like the world’s best matchmaker. And I was even more excited when Jess told me they’d decided to meet in person. She’d been texting me while they were talking online, and I told her about the party. I figured Ryan and those guys wouldn’t be there because of the football game, and I swore to her that it was the perfect place for them to meet. She was terrified he wouldn’t be into her once he’d met her, though I knew there was no chance of it. But if that’s what she needed to feel safe, then I’d make sure she had it. I’d be her wingman.”