Playlist for the Dead(64)

I’m hoping to get there myself someday. It took a while for me to feel comfortable using my computer again; I wasn’t sure I wanted ArchmageGed to come back. Eventually, though, I got back on; in talking to Mr. Beaumont I’ve come to realize that ArchmageGed wasn’t real. He was just something I made up to help me deal with everything. After all, he never really told me anything I didn’t already know, whether I wanted to admit it or not. And given that getting regular sleep has made me feel like a different person, I have a better understanding of what not sleeping can do to someone. There had been something comforting about the idea that it was really Hayden, that he was still with me, creepy as it might be, but I think that was just something I needed for a little while. I’ve put the wizard figurine in a box for now, too. I’m glad I bought it, but I’ve stopped worrying about needing something to remind me of Hayden. He’s here with me all the time.

These days I spend most of my time on the computer listening to music. I decided to retire Hayden’s playlist. It never really solved the big mysteries for me, and I’ll never be able to hear any of those songs again without going back to last year. But if it did anything for me, it was to actually get me to start talking to people. Or, rather, start listening to them. If there’s one thing I learned from the playlist, it’s how important listening to people can be. I like to think I’m getting better at it.

Hayden’s playlist did make me feel connected to him, and it also opened me up to a lot of stuff I hadn’t heard before, and I started looking for new bands, things I liked that I’d found on my own, not through Hayden or Rachel. I’ve even started making a new playlist myself, one more upbeat than the one Hayden sent me but maybe not as overly ecstatic as the ones he and Jess shared, one filled with songs that are bright and hopeful. Songs Astrid might like.

Maybe someday I’ll give it to her.