Playlist for the Dead(43)

“Where it looks like the Death Star threw up,” I said, smiling at the idea of it.

She laughed. “Yeah, it was pretty geeky in there. And when he started talking about Mage Warfare . . .”

“. . . you wondered how you could ever have thought he was shy.”

“Exactly. Couldn’t get him to shut up about it, but it was charming. I couldn’t understand why he and Ryan didn’t get along.”

“The whole football-versus-geek thing didn’t clue you in?”

“Oh, sure, there wasn’t much common ground, externally. But you’ve met their parents; you know what they were like. Their standards were exacting, impossible to meet. Ryan tried as hard as he could and I knew it was killing him; Hayden just refused. Different strategies, same problem.”

I’d never thought of it that way before.

“I did what I could to bring them together, but it never really worked. It didn’t help that Ryan’s friends were such assholes.”

“Amen,” I said.

“Anyway, that’s how I got to know Hayden a little.” She stopped, bit her lip again.

“What happened with you and Ryan?” I could tell she didn’t really want to talk about it, but I had to know.

She looked down at the dirty linoleum floor. “We dated for about a year. Right up until . . .”

“The car accident,” I said. No wonder she didn’t want to talk about it.

“I was so lost after my dad died,” she said. “He’d gone out for takeout, and I kept thinking that if I knew how to cook, or if I hadn’t been hungry, or if I’d wanted pizza instead of Chinese . . . so many things I could have done to stop it. You know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I know.” Oh, how I knew.

“And I get now that it’s not my fault, or at least that it’s no more my fault than anyone else’s—the woman who hit him because her car was too old for antilock brakes, the weather gods for the freezing rain that made the roads so slick. But I was a mess, and I needed to get out of myself. That’s where Astrid came from.” She waved her hand from her head down to her feet.

“Astrid is wonderful,” I said softly.

“Astrid is necessary,” she said. “And I thought Ryan would understand. He had his perfect-kid persona to shield him from his parents; Hayden had Mage Warfare to get away. Astrid wasn’t so different. But his friends, his horrible fucking friends . . . they made fun of him for going out with such a weirdo. My friends were no better; they didn’t understand why I needed to change, and they got me kicked off the cheerleading squad for not meeting the dress code or some stupid thing. When Ryan finally broke up with me I felt like I had nothing.”

“He broke your heart,” I said.

She snorted. “Sounds so stupid, doesn’t it? But yeah, I’d expected better from him. I thought he was different than Jason and Trevor, but it turns out I was wrong. And I’ll never forgive him for it.”

As happy as I was to hear that Ryan was well out of the picture, the way she talked about him made me nervous. I never wanted to hurt her like that, but there were still so many things I needed to know. Like the most pressing question of all: Who was Athena? Could she really be Astrid? How close had she and Hayden become?

“Look, I know there’s a lot of stuff you want to know,” she said, “but this conversation is kind of bumming me out, and I was just starting to enjoy feeling happy. Can we maybe talk about the other stuff later?” She leaned over and kissed me again, and I knew my other questions would have to wait as long as she wanted.

“All right, kids, time to pay up.” We were interrupted by Mr. Peterson. “We’re closing shop.” Was it my imagination, or was that grimace on his grizzled face a kind of smile? And what time was it, anyway? The clock said it was after six; apparently my loose grasp on the passage of time wasn’t limited to when I was at home.

“Let’s go to Eric’s,” Astrid said. “You should really hang out with those guys. And Eric’s been rooting for you—he’ll be psyched to know you finally made a move.”

“No need to tell him you forced me into it,” I said, and left some cash on the counter.

“You just needed a little prodding,” she said.

Eric lived within walking distance of Peterson’s, but in the opposite direction of my house, which made me wonder how I’d get home. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” Astrid said, and we walked holding hands as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I knew she didn’t want to answer more questions, but I couldn’t help myself—there had to be some innocuous stuff she’d tell me. “So, Hayden never mentioned that he knew you.”

“Funny, he talked about you all the time,” she said. “That’s what made me want to meet you. The thought of someone as sweet as him and as cute as you . . .”

I blushed. She thought I was cute? “Did you tell him to watch Donnie Darko, too? He had that song on the playlist.”

“The playlist?”

Even though we’d listened to one of the songs together, I realized I hadn’t told her about it. “Yeah, Hayden made me a playlist. Before he died. There’s a bunch of songs on there I know, and then a whole bunch I don’t. He said if I listened I’d understand.”