Playlist for the Dead(42)

“Oh, you sweet sheltered thing,” she said. “You clearly have severely underdeveloped gaydar.”

Gaydar? Gaydar! My new favorite word!

“Eric’s my best friend. He used to have a very serious boyfriend, but that ended recently, which means he and I are both very, very unattached. I guess we do spend a lot of time together, so I could see where you might think—but no. Never. And I have to say, I’m extremely relieved there’s a good explanation for all of this.”

Double that for me. My heart started pounding so hard I could feel it behind my eyes. “So you’re saying that if I made a move . . .”

“You’ll never know unless you try, buddy.” She was still smiling, and was I wrong or was she leaning in toward me?

So she hadn’t been nervous because she was worried I’d ask about Athena. She was nervous because she was into me. I couldn’t believe it. This was it, the moment I’d hoped for. I was so nervous my hand shook a little bit as I pulled a cheap paper napkin out of the dispenser on the counter, leaned in toward Astrid, and wiped a stray piece of ketchup-covered potato from her cheek. “That’s better,” I said, and then, finally, I kissed her.



“WOW,” I SAID, when we came up for air.

“Wow is right,” Astrid said.

I kissed her again. Her lip ring felt cool against my lips, not nearly as weird as I’d imagined. Because I’d imagined this a lot, I realized, even more so than I’d been aware of. Kissing her felt entirely familiar, despite the fact that I’d never actually kissed a girl before.

I could have sat at Peterson’s all day, eating fries, drinking egg creams, kissing Astrid, but I’d sought her out for a reason. Maybe there was something I was missing about the whole Athena thing, just like I’d misunderstood Astrid’s relationship with Eric. I just didn’t know where to start.

“So, the other day—” I started.

“When you should have kissed me and you didn’t?” Astrid asked.

“No, not that,” I said. “When we got back to school—”

“And you should have kissed me but you didn’t?” She was teasing me; she thought I was flirting, and I hated to let her down.

“You’re not going to let me live that down for a long time, are you?” I asked, although I worried that I was making too many assumptions about “a long time.”

“Nope,” she said, and kissed me again.

It was almost impossible for me to tear myself away. But I had to get my priorities straight. There were so many things I needed to figure out. I had no idea whether understanding Hayden’s relationship and what had happened to it would help me figure out what was happening to the bullies, but if there was any chance of it, it could be the only thing that would save people from thinking it had been me. Myself included.

I pulled my face from hers, but I was still sitting close enough that our shoulders almost touched. I reached out and gently twisted one of her extensions in my fingers. “I always wanted to know what those felt like,” I admitted.

“And now you know,” she said, but it was like a screen fell over her face. She must have seen something in mine. “But that’s not what you wanted to ask me.”

“No, it isn’t,” I said.

She bit her lip, which was already a little red and swollen from all our kissing. “Go ahead. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

I hoped so. “That day at school, when I told you about Hayden’s computer. You were right. The password was Athena.”

She nodded slightly. “I’m not surprised.”

“And you never told me how you knew him. Hayden.” I was holding my breath; I had no idea what she would say. I had no idea what I wanted her to say.

“Does it really matter?” she asked. “He’s gone. None of this is going to bring him back.”

“I know it won’t,” I said. “But I still have so many questions. I need to at least try to understand. If you know more than I do, you have to help me.”

She sighed. “It’s a long story,” she said.

“I’ve got all day.”

She paused, and then let out a long breath. I guess she’d been holding hers, too. “All right, here goes.” She picked up a french fry and dipped it in the peppery ketchup; I could tell she was buying herself some time. I hoped it didn’t mean she was going to lie to me. “Remember the other day, when I told you about that guy I was so into?”

I nodded. I’d assumed it was Eric, but now I knew I’d been wrong.

“It was Ryan Stevens.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. A powerful surge of jealousy went through me, which didn’t really make sense given that their relationship was over and hers and mine was just beginning. I reminded myself to listen, like Hayden had said.

“We met when I was a freshman. I’d just joined the cheerleading squad, and he’d just gotten moved up to varsity. It was so flattering to be hit on by a sophomore, and all my girlfriends thought he was so cute. I did, too. He really seemed to have his shit together, you know? He was smart, good-looking, athletic—everything I was supposed to want, right?” There was a bitter note in her voice. I wasn’t sure what that was about. “I used to hang out at his house. That’s where I met Hayden.” Her voice softened again. “He was so sweet. At first he was shy, wouldn’t talk to me much. But after a while he warmed up, and he’d let me come in his room.”