Only Child(22)

“Oh goodness, Zach, no! Heaven is for the souls of good people. The souls of bad people go somewhere else.”





[ 13 ]


    You Can’t Be Here


I WAS IN MY BATHROOM brushing my teeth after breakfast when I heard voices from downstairs in the hallway. Daddy’s voice and another voice, and at first I thought it was Grandma or Aunt Mary, and maybe they came back from where they went with the pictures. I heard Daddy say, “You can’t be here. You…I’m sorry….” I heard the woman’s voice making crying sounds, or choking. I walked over to the stairs and tried not to make the floors squeak, because I wanted to see who Daddy said can’t be here.

The woman’s voice was from Ricky’s mom. She was in the hallway by the front door, leaning with her back against it, and Daddy was standing right in front of her. Ricky’s mom had both of her hands up, and Daddy was holding her wrists. She was crying and it made her whole face wet and the front of her shirt, or maybe that was from the rain. She had only a T-shirt on, and her arms looked very white and skinny.

“Jim. Please. Don’t do this to me,” Ricky’s mom said. “Jim, please.” She said that over and over, and I didn’t know what she was asking Daddy not to do. Maybe she didn’t want him to hold her wrists like that. “I am…completely alone.” She did a big choking sound when she said that, and a big thing of snot came flinging out of her nose and it went all the way down to her mouth, and that was really gross.

Daddy let go of her wrists, and she wiped her nose with her arm, like she was a little kid. Then she started to slide down the front door kind of in slow motion, like she got too tired to stand up, and she sat down right in front of the door. She cried and cried. I could only hear it, not see it, because Daddy was standing in front of her.

“Nancy,” Daddy said in a quiet voice, “I’m sorry, I really am. I wish I could…” Daddy didn’t finish his sentence, and Ricky’s mom didn’t say anything back. All she did was sit there in front of our door and cry.

“Nancy,” Daddy said again. “Please.” He leaned forward and touched her cheek, and then I could see her again. “We both agreed that we needed to end…this. We both agreed that it’s better this way, didn’t we?”

Ricky’s mom grabbed Daddy’s hand with her hands and she put her face on his hand and her tears and snot were probably getting all over his hand, but he didn’t take his hand back.

“Nancy, Zach is upstairs. And my mother and Mary will be back…soon. I’m sorry. Please, you have to go,” Daddy said.

“No,” Ricky’s mom said, and she looked up at Daddy. “No, I have to be with you. I need you. How am I supposed to…?” And she started to cry harder and louder, but she kept staring at Daddy. “He’s dead,” she said, and she stretched out the word like deeeeeeeead. “Ricky, oh my God. Ricky, my…what am I going to do? What am I supposed to doooooooo?”

Ricky died from the gunman like Andy, but Ricky’s mom wasn’t in the hospital because of the shock like Mommy. She came here, in our house, and she said she had to be with Daddy and was holding on to his hand like it belonged to her. I didn’t like that and I didn’t know why he let her do that.

I wanted her to let go of Daddy’s hand, so I started to go down the stairs. When Daddy heard my steps, he pulled his hand away and turned around to me fast. Ricky’s mom tried to stand up and banged her head against the door handle.

“Zach!” Daddy said, and then he stared at me like he thought I was going to say something, but I didn’t. “Nancy…Mrs. Brooks is here,” Daddy said like I was blind or something, because she was standing right there.

I stared at Daddy and Ricky’s mom. Ricky’s mom’s face was very white, like the skin on her arms except there was a lot of red around her eyes, and even inside her eyes it was red instead of the white. Her eyes were very blue, like the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Her long hair was wet and it was stuck to her face and her neck. Through her wet T-shirt I could see two pointy circles from her boobs, and I couldn’t look away from them.

“I…I’m going,” she said, and turned around and grabbed the door handle, but she couldn’t open the door because she didn’t know you have to press it all the way down hard.

“Here…I’ll…” Daddy stretched his hand out to open the door for her, and his arm touched against her pointy boob circles. He tried to open the door, but Ricky’s mom was standing right in front of it, so they both had to move backward and they bumped into each other. When Daddy got the door opened, Ricky’s mom walked down the front steps from our porch. I walked closer to the door to stand next to Daddy. We watched how Ricky’s mom took little steps like the walkway was slippery from the rain and it was hard for her to walk on it. Then she turned on the sidewalk and walked down our road toward where her house is, and she didn’t turn around once.





[ 14 ]


    Where Did You Go?


MOMMY GOT CHANGED into a different person at the hospital. She came home after three sleeps and she looked different and acted different, too. Mommy always looks pretty, even in the mornings when she first wakes up. She has long brown hair that’s very straight and shiny, and it’s the same color as mine. We also have the same eyes—hazel. That’s like a few colors mixed together, like a brownish green, and I like that me and Mommy are the only ones in the family who have the same hair color and eyes. Mommy says I have the same temperament as her, too, that means when you act the same, and I think she’s right about that. We both don’t like when there’s all the fighting. I know that because sometimes when Mommy has a fight with Andy or Daddy she cries, so I know it makes her sad. Mommy says we’re both people pleasers—that’s when you want other people around you to feel good.