Not Perfect(89)

On the morning of Levi’s bar mitzvah, Tabitha woke up crying. She couldn’t grasp on to what she was crying about. A dream? The fact that Stuart wasn’t here to see this? The fact that she was so grateful that Levi was here and walking and talking and able to do this? She wasn’t sure. Before she got out of bed, her phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Tabitha, it’s Rabbi Rosen, I just wanted to let you know we are so happy about today, and we are here to help you with anything you might need.”

Tabitha’s tears hadn’t really stopped before she answered, and now they flowed freely and heavily.

“Thank you,” she managed to get out.

“I can only imagine it’s a hard day for you,” the rabbi said. “But I think it’s also going to be a great day, a magical day, an awesome day, and we are so happy to be a part of it.”

“Thank you,” she said again, a little stronger this time. “We’ll be there in about an hour.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” the rabbi said.

She got up and intended to go right to the shower, but she walked to Levi’s room instead. He was fast asleep and had the same expression on his face he had when he was a baby. Tabitha sat gently next to him but didn’t dare touch him, partly because he might be annoyed and partly because he was still sore. He opened his eyes.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said, expecting him to yell and tell her to get out, but he didn’t.

“Wow, I’m nervous,” he said, sitting up. His bruises were more yellow than purple now, which she knew was a good thing.

“Don’t be,” Tabitha said. “It will be mostly just us, then lunch at Di Bruno’s after—Aunt Rachel has that all set up. It will be a nice day.”

Levi nodded. She got up and left him to get ready. As she headed to her shower she saw Fern, walking around her room in circles. She hadn’t even realized she was awake.

“What’s up, Fernie Bernie?” Tabitha asked.

“My leg feels better,” she said. “But I just want to make sure.”

“That is amazing news,” Tabitha said. “Just in time for the big day.”

“Yeah,” Fern said. “Just in time.”



Stuart Brewer woke up in a hotel room, and the first thing he did was look out the window, expecting to see Lake Superior. He never slept with his blinds closed anymore; he felt too hemmed in. But he didn’t see Lake Superior, he saw the Delaware River. He sat up and cleared his throat. He had about an hour to get there, and he still hadn’t figured out how he was going to do it. Should he call first? Just show up? Throw himself into the river and never go at all? He showered and dressed, went down for a cab, the whole time his hand was on his phone in his pocket, but he did not pull it out.

“Rodeph Shalom,” he said to the cab driver.

He looked out the window as the cab took him north and eventually west. The cab stopped in front. The renovation, which was underway when Stuart left, was now complete. It almost looked like an entirely different place, at least from this angle. This moment, this event, was the only thing he had on his calendar—at all, for the rest of his life. Without Abigail out there somewhere—and since she had died, he realized that he’d always been aware that she was out there somewhere—he felt completely ungrounded. He swiped his last, barely working credit card and got out. He was going to see so many people he knew. He had no idea what Tabitha had been saying these past months. And none of it compared to what it would be like to face her.

He walked around the new grand entrance to the older one, which was grand enough for him. By doing that he avoided a lot of people, though as far as he could tell he didn’t recognize any of them. For a brief moment he thought he might have the wrong day. He walked in and grabbed a program, saw he had the right day, then went to sit in the back with a yarmulke on and his head down.

They came in, and all he wanted to do was run to them, but he didn’t; he stayed seated, pretending to be completely immersed in a prayer book. They sat in the front row. The seats filled in, but he noticed there was no additional family here, none of Levi’s friends. Oh, he saw Butch off to the side, but that was it. The music started, and Levi was up there. He had grown, and Stuart could see there was something wrong with his face. It was discolored. He was glad to know about the bike accident or he would have really worried. Suddenly, Levi was saying something in Hebrew—this was it, and Stuart had the urge to slow it down. What was he going to do after this? But Levi saw him. He clearly saw him, and he stopped saying whatever he was saying. Now faces turned to see what Levi saw. Some looked right past him, but Tabitha noticed him. Her face completely changed when she spotted him. It was almost like all the muscles in her cheeks clenched up and twitched. Then she turned back toward the front of the sanctuary, toward Levi. She sat so straight that she looked uncomfortable. Levi stumbled, then used the yad to find his place. He kept going; his words were beautiful. His voice became stronger and stronger.



He came! Levi couldn’t believe he came! He felt this might be his only chance to show his father what he could do. He had worked so hard for this, for this exact purpose. To prove to his father that he was worth sticking around for, worth being proud of, worth claiming as his son. He stood up straighter, held the yad as Rabbi Rosen had instructed him to do, and he read perfectly from the Torah, his inflections just right. He never wanted it to end. What would happen when it was over? Would his father disappear again? No, don’t think about that. Focus. Read.