Not Perfect(91)

“It was awful,” Tabitha said. “Possibly the worst part of your leaving.”

“Well, I think that is very telling then,” Stuart said, sounding a bit more like himself. Tabitha felt a need to take back control of the situation.

“So, you went to see Abigail, and then she died,” she said, not exactly cruelly, but not kindly.

“How did you know that?” he asked.

“The better question would be, ‘What have you been doing since then?’”

“Nothing,” Stuart said. “Basically, staying away from society. I completely fell apart. I haven’t worked. I haven’t done anything.”

“That sounds luxurious,” Tabitha said coldly.

“Not really,” Stuart mumbled.

“Well, I would have liked to do that, too,” Tabitha said. “Just drop out. But I couldn’t. Because I had kids to take care of.”

She took a sip of her latte, but it didn’t taste good anymore.

“Well, thank you for that,” he said. “I am so sorry, for everything. So sorry that she was always pulling at me somehow, even when I didn’t realize it. When I had the chance, this last chance, I just couldn’t pass it up. I had to be with her and try to give her what I could.”

“Interesting that you say that,” Tabitha said. “Because I have reason to believe this was not your first visit to see her. I have reason to believe this was ongoing.”

He just looked at her.

“Was it?”

“Well, to answer what I think you are really asking, which is: was I unfaithful before, the answer is no, if you are thinking of it in a physical way,” he said honestly. “But yes, it’s true that about two years ago I found her. I ran into her, but I was always looking for her, long before that. And she let me see her, in the hospital, that was it, but nothing else happened then, the times I visited her in the hospital, that is. Not until this time.”

Tabitha didn’t know what to think or feel. She didn’t know if that was a relief or not. She just dropped it all into the same pot—her failed marriage.

“You were so dishonest with me, Stuart, from day one,” she said. “You were never available to me, never.”

“I wanted to be,” he said. “But she was always out there.”

“She stole from me,” Tabitha said.

“No, she didn’t, she stole from me,” Stuart said.

“The way I see it, the things she took were meant for me, at least given the choices you made. For example, your love,” Tabitha said unkindly.

He nodded.

“Our money?”

He nodded slower this time.

“Our kids’ happiness?”

He didn’t nod.

“My sanity?”

He looked away.

“I want a divorce,” she said, too loudly for a crowded place like Starbucks.

He didn’t meet her eye but he nodded.

“I want to sell the apartment.”

Another nod.

“I want the kids to go to public school next year.”

“Yes, to all of that, if you think that’s best for them. All I want at this point is to be a part of the kids’ lives, on your terms,” he said quickly. “That’s really all I want.”

She wanted to scream at him. How dare he ask her for anything? He was never Tabitha’s for the taking! Why did he ever pretend he was? Why did he ever let her think he could love her fully, when he was always going to love someone else more? She wanted to spit at him, to kick him in the shin. She wasted so much of her life on him—so much. But then, the image of Levi crying in the rabbi’s office flashed into her mind followed by the memory of Fern walking in curious circles yesterday, making sure her leg was feeling better. And she knew she wouldn’t change a thing, even if she could go back in time, even if she could be transported to the moment she first set eyes on Stuart. She wouldn’t change a thing if it meant not having Levi and Fern. She felt her body relax, which surprised her. She tucked her right leg behind her left leg, not that she was ever really going to kick him, not here at Starbucks anyway.

“Please,” he said. “I did so many bad things. But please, don’t cut me out of the kids’ lives. I know it’s a lot to ask considering . . . what I did. I never meant to hurt them, as strange as this sounds, this was never about them. I want to be their father. I want to be a part of their daily lives.”

She hadn’t realized how much she was hoping for that, despite everything. It was one thing for her to feel abandoned by him, she would get over it, but it was another thing entirely to have Levi and Fern feel abandoned by him.

“So, I’ll set that all in motion, okay?” Tabitha asked. “The divorce, the sale of the apartment, finding them a new school, everything I mentioned.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “But what about the kids? Please, Tabitha, I don’t want to leave here until we talk about that, until we come to some agreement.”

She took a deep breath. She could make him wait, she could hold that over his head while she got everything else set up, just in case they disagreed, but did she even have grounds to keep him from seeing them? And how would that help anything at this point? It would only further hurt the children.

“Fine,” she said.