Not Perfect(65)

“That’s hard,” Tabitha said, without thinking it through. “Taking care of an older parent.” She stopped, realizing what was bothering her. She pictured her mother on the last day. She was hooked up to oxygen, her eyes hadn’t opened in days. She was right there! But Tabitha couldn’t reach her anymore. She had given up on that days before, weeks before—had it been months before?

“It is hard,” he said.

“Tell me about your daughter,” Tabitha blurted out, before he had a chance to ask what she knew about taking care of an older parent.

“She’s great,” he said. “She’s ten and in fourth grade.”

“No way! So’s mine! Well my daughter is nine and in fourth grade.”

“And she loves to read and play ultimate frisbee. And, as you know, make crafts, especially confetti!”

“That’s all so great.”

“What about your kids?”

“My daughter’s name is Fern, my son is Levi.”

“Good names, I’d say.”

“Yeah,” she said.

The server came back and cleared the plates. There was still so much food left, and these were just the appetizers.

“Do you want to take it?” she asked Toby.

“No, that’s okay,” he said. And then, “Do you?”

“Actually, I would love to,” she said. “My kids could have it for a snack.” And dinner, she thought, and then she remembered the money that was still in her pocket. Her plan was to put it in the bank, at least most of it, but she hadn’t figured out how to do that. She couldn’t put it in their joint account, which had almost no money in it since Stuart’s checks stopped being directly deposited, because she had no idea if Stuart was still interested in that account. She thought she’d start a new account, but how hard was that? Would they ask questions since her other account had taken such a downward turn and her credit was pretty much maxed out at this point? There was only a paltry seventy-five dollars in the joint account the last time she checked.

“So, I’m sitting here thinking I don’t need to know your story, but I think I do,” he said, and he said it so kindly, Tabitha didn’t mind. “I’ll tell you why. I’m starting to like you. I’m sitting here thinking about kissing you.”

“I didn’t go to Michigan,” Tabitha said—blurted, really. She suddenly felt like their whole relationship was built on a lie. “And I didn’t graduate in 1994, so I’m actually older than you think. I went to Trinity, in Hartford.” She had an urge to cover her face with her hands, she didn’t want to see his reaction. Instead she looked down, so she heard his reaction before she saw it, and it was laughter. Toby laughed.

“What?” she asked, daring to look at him.

“I know that,” he said, smiling. “I knew it before you said it, but I let it slide. Actually, that’s what caught my attention: you were so clearly trying to blend in. It made you seem mysterious. Also, no Wolverine would ever accidentally wear red to a Michigan event. It just doesn’t happen.”

“Do you still want to kiss me?” she heard herself saying. She hadn’t even thought it through, she just said it.

“As much as I ever did,” he said in such a way that she felt it in her stomach. “I just want to be sure that would be okay with you.”

“It would be okay with me,” Tabitha said, surprising herself. She hadn’t kissed anyone in months, obviously, but it was the lack of touch that she couldn’t stand. She thought of her mother calling her one day, saying that she couldn’t stand to not be touched, and Tabitha said that was silly, that she was touched. She hated that memory. She drank the rest of the champagne in her glass and got up and walked to Toby, who stood up at her movement. Without hesitating, she leaned in for a kiss. She wanted to do it. He paused for less than a second, but she could feel it, and then he was all-in, and they were kissing, and she didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want to face more questions, sure, but she wanted to keep kissing. She wished they were someplace more private, but they were, thank goodness, in a completely empty room. She didn’t want to break their connection to look around to make sure nobody else had been seated up there, she didn’t want to ruin the mood or give him a chance to talk, but she knew she couldn’t go on kissing him forever. Well, maybe she could. Did it ever feel this way with Stuart? She didn’t think so. He was pleasant enough to kiss, and he always, always had nice smelling breath, but she could always stop, she didn’t mind stopping.

Toby eased back into his chair and pulled her down onto his lap, continuing to kiss her. At first she tried to not put all her weight on him, then she gave up and let go, sitting on him completely.

“Beef chow fun?” the server asked, making them both jump and pull apart. She hopped off his lap, knocking her thigh into the table, then scooted around to her side. Toby was shaking his head, laughing quietly.

“Yes, we’re the beef chow fun,” he said, louder than he had to.

The server put the dish on the table and went back into the kitchen. Now they were both laughing. Toby could barely catch his breath, he was leaning back in his chair clutching his stomach. Tabitha started slowly, but his laugh was so pleasant, so happy, it made her laugh harder, until she had to wipe the tears from her eyes.