Not Perfect(61)

“I’ve been around,” she said. “I guess I just keep missing you.”

“Well, we have the big fundraiser coming up in early spring, and I wanted to talk to you about being on the committee,” Julie said. “You are always so good at that.”

Tabitha pictured herself last year, probably around this time, going in and out of stores and restaurants, explaining about the Larchwood School, asking if they would be willing to donate anything. Sometimes they gave gift certificates, other times a shirt or a book. If things kept going as they were, she might be forced to pretend she was asking for the school and really take the items for herself and the kids. That was a good idea, actually. Most of the places would probably remember her from previous years and not think anything of it. Suddenly, she wasn’t so sorry she had run into Julie.

“Oh, I would love to,” Tabitha said, pausing for another long sip of coffee. “But it just isn’t a good time for me.”

Normally, Tabitha would feel a need to explain. Today, she really didn’t. Julie waited, but Tabitha just drank her coffee.

“I see,” Julie said after a long pause. “What exactly . . .”

Before she had a chance to finish, there was a ruckus outside with lots of dogs barking. Tabitha thought Julie might actually ask her what she was busy with, and she sort of wanted her to. She had no intention of telling her anything, but she wondered how deep she’d dare to probe. Did Julie think all mothers’ time belonged to her, and if it didn’t that they owed her an explanation? Apparently so. But Julie didn’t ask anything more, she just left. Walked right out, without saying good-bye or nice to see you. Tabitha watched while she knelt down to check on her dog, then she pulled the leash off the hook and walked away. Tabitha continued to drink her coffee. She felt a little buzzed, which made her think of Nora and the pot candy. That was the last time she had felt this good. And she couldn’t remember a time before that, since it had been so long ago. She ended up throwing away the edible from Nora’s that she had slipped in her pocket—she was worried one of the kids would find it and think it was just candy. But now she was sorry that she did. She stood in the middle of Starbucks and finished the huge cup, threw it away, and walked out and north on Eighteenth Street.

She knew where she wanted to go. She walked fast but felt like she should be doing more than just walking. She took out her phone, googled the synagogue number, and called. She asked for Rabbi Rosen. It went right to voicemail.

“Hi Rabbi, this is Tabitha Brewer, Levi Brewer’s mom,” she said quickly. “I, um, I just wanted to call before we get too deep into this. Levi is having second thoughts about his bar mitzvah. I think he might like to postpone. Thanks so much.” As soon as she ended the call she regretted it. What would Stuart say? Well Stuart wasn’t here to say anything, and the more she thought about it, the better she felt. Now it was out there, and she’d see what happened. Maybe the whole thing would just go away.

As she was about to cross Walnut Street, she saw a man walking about fifteen feet ahead of her with Stuart’s build and Stuart’s shirt. She crossed before she had the light, and a car stopped short, honking at her. She jogged ahead. As she got closer, she saw the man didn’t have Stuart’s hair, so it wasn’t Stuart. This man was balding a bit in the back, which Stuart wasn’t. Maybe he was now. How long did it take to start balding? She jogged a little faster, thinking she’d jog by and turn to look at him, but before she could, he stopped and looked her way. It took her a second to realize it was the homeless man she had given Stuart’s clothes to. He was dressed in Stuart’s shirt, pants, and shoes, and he looked so normal. Was that the same guy? Yes, it definitely was. Tabitha remembered his nose and his eyebrows. He saw her, but there was no recognition. She remembered his sign, saying he needed some kindness. She needed some kindness. If she weren’t so worried about running into someone she knew, maybe she’d try holding a sign like that, too, and see what she could get. Or maybe she should drive to another town and try it. As she walked by him she smiled, just to see, and he recognized her and he smiled back and tipped a pretend hat. She moved past him, feeling her caffeine buzz begin to wane ever so slightly. She needed to keep going before she lost it completely.

When she got to Nora’s apartment building, she went right in, past the desk and to the elevator. She took it to the second floor, crossed the hall, and slowly opened the door. She felt like she could climb the side of the building or swim across a river. She felt like she could do anything, so she might as well do this.

“Nora,” she called into the apartment. “Nora?”

“In here, dear,” Nora called back.

Tabitha closed the door behind her and walked to the kitchen, expecting to see Nora there baking muffins, but it was empty. She walked into the living room, and there was Nora with her feet up and a magazine on her lap. When she saw Tabitha she smiled big.

“Well, dear, I was thinking about you,” she said. “I’m so glad you came to visit me.”

“I’m glad to see you,” Tabitha said, taking a seat across from Nora. “Do you want to play Monopoly?”

Tabitha had to slow down. She must sound like she was on speed or something. But Nora didn’t seem to notice, or at least she didn’t seem to care.

“Why yes, dear,” Nora said. “I was just thinking, it is a lovely morning for a game. Can you get it, dear? I’ve hurt my leg, so I can’t walk on it right now. It’s over there, on the shelf.”